The elusive happily ever after

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
The elusive happily ever after
25
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:49pm

I have a couple of Q's for ya all.

How many of you were promised a happily ever after??

How many of you hung up the phone after a conversation with x feeling confused or hurt because you were told what you know you heard wasnt really what he said or meant?

How many of you pride yourself in knowing that you are an intelligent,solid,secure individual,but by being in the A you turned into or felt like a stupid,desperate,insecure individual???
I know alot of deep thinking, but that is what I did this weekend in my nice hot bubble bath, I thought back on the past 4 years and what impact it had on me, and the one thing that keeps replaying is the promise made to me (with tears and all)that I make him the happiest man and we were meant to be. The thing that I cant wrap my brain around is how can you look someone in the eyes and promise a happily ever after if you know you will never make good on that promise??? It just makes me so mad for being so vulnerable.

thanks
onthegochick

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 9:34am
Hi crissy, I know the angry feeling all to well, I wrote in my post to anna, I beleive all circumsrances are different and not all A's are the same. Are you single? I am, and sometime I think it makes it harder, no family to occupy the time. I get angry because he does have the w and baby girl to go home to no matter how much he hates going home he loves his baby girl and that is something I can't compete with. My mm never made promises however I mades them up in my mind. I beleive it is only a matter of time with his marriage she is too controlling and he is too un happy which has to make both of them un happy. however I can't wait for that to happen nor would I want him to leave his child for me. I know he has to make thew decision on his own and for him self. I have'nt had c w/mm since thurs. and I'm mad that he has'nt called to find out what the problem is and I want to call and yell or find out where he is workin at today, go there and hit him till run out of energy!!!! But so far I have maintained and still working on it. I too get soooooo angry when I'm told he was playing me, I know he was'nt, people are different and every body handles things in different ways. It could always be turned around, being I was single and he was so in to me I could have played him, I was able to go and see other men, tell him he was the only one, he would'nt know or could he say any thing about it. I know for a fact I'm the only one he has been with in an A. It started when he had only been married a few monts. (He had to get married) he is not a womanizer, he does'nt even flirt very well!!!!! It just happened. I'm also mad at my self for allowing my self to be in this situation but like you, I somehow don't regret it either. Only the hurt I feel, I want to get over. I don't want to hate him, I want to remember the things he brought out in me that no other man has and we have shared things that only he and I have shared and I was married 15 yrs. and in another relatonship for 8 yrs. and never shared what I did with this man, who is 12 yrs my jr. Good luck to you crissy and hang in there and just remember don't let any one tell you your sition is just like very one else's only you know your mm, his situation and the kind of man he is.
Hugs to you,
Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 10:04am

LV,

No, I would NOT do it again. If I had done it right the first A, I would have ended the A, gotten a D, and taken time for myself to get to know myself better. Then I would have had a chance at a happy second M going in as a healthy person with another healthy person.

BUT, like you said, at the time I thought my SO was the greatest thing on the planet. He was wild and sexy- everything my H at the time was not. He was sweet, sensitive, listened to me, and became my best friend- everything my H was not. Rose-colored glasses? Mine were so dark I couldn't see out of them. I was a 27-yr-old college-educated woman (not trying to be offensive, just stating facts) and my SO was a 19-yr-old high school drop-out trying to support himself. We tried to stop several times over the year and a half, but I ended up leaving my H to be with him.

It's been a rough relationship. He had a hard childhood and brought a lot of baggage to the M. He's fought addiction problems on/off. I've even kicked him out before. I stayed in the M because of the kids (I just kept having them anyway) and because I loved him. I'm sure it's because of the A I'm in now, but I don't feel any more love for my H. I don't want to leave my H for my MM because BTDT and it's not the answer. The problem is with me and I need to fix it before I go into any more Rs.

I don't know if I helped at all. Just know that if you go to the Ending A boards, you will find a lot of ppl that wish they could change the way they did things. I feel like I love my MM, but sometimes I think I don't even know what the word "love" means anymore.

Good luck-
Breathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 10:14am
levi, I wish I could answer that for you but only you can and beleive it or not it is a "decision" you have to make. Why the nc? your decision or hers. Do you really know what her situation is at home? I beleive wommen can be just as deseptive as men can be. Don't let her in if you know it is only going to end in the same result. stay strong, God knows I know it's hard when you love some one but you (we) need to love ourselves more.
hugs,
kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 11:23am

Hi Kat...

Thanks for the validation. I am still missing my xmm. I know that he wants to be with me and I actually have to give him credit for ending the physical contact with me immediately after the decision was made to stay. I'm glad that he did, in a way. At first...I know I would have been willing to continue the affair even with no promise of a future. He really is a good man but he's just not mine.
And yes...I am single. I was feeling sorry for myself about that too. Sorry that I had no family...no children...the whole package. And I just realized that Christmas is next week and while I was totally self absorbed and thinking that I had no one to buy presents for this year...I just remembered all of the other people in my life that will always be here for me. I have to get a move on!

Thanks again,
Crissy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 12:23pm

Just;

That’s kinda what I expected, mainly b/c a lot of other folks say the same thing. I guess one never knows for sure. I just recently parted ways with OW b/c I was losing my mind. I entered into the A only after 10 years of giving 400% to my M. W had given up long before, but for the sake of my kids I stayed. At that point though, it was clear they were paying the price too. I suddenly became free and it freaked OW out. She is still married but in the process of D but living with someone else (I know can it get any more complicated?). I recently threw an ultimatum at OW saying either ditch the loser you are living with and start an above board R with me, or I’m history. That would mean her living by herself, not me, not anyone else. I hated to do that, but it would be the only way to know if we were right for each other. I love her terribly, and I have never felt this way about anyone before, but how does one know if they are truly right for them unless you go through the legitimate dating process?

It sucks bigtime, but I think you would agree that jumping from one thing to another doesn’t always work. Thanks

BTW – I saw your story. If MM doesn’t want to hear what’s on your mind, that’s TFB for him. There is no sense in being in this if you and he are not at the same level and you cannot express yourself. OW very rarely told me her thoughts and feelings and I hated that.

Good luck

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