Emergency...please help...please....
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 01-07-2004 - 6:02pm |
Short story is we had an emotional affair that turned physical then became long distance and then went back to emotional while still long distance. He has said that he is still in love with me, still wants me, but needs to not be having an affair. Well, things were going along pretty fine, I was enjoying his loving words, and I still had hope that we could be together in the future. THEN....his wife found an email from him to me in which he said, "I love you, cutie."
This email did not tell her that we were physical. But what it told her was that he LOVED someone else, while he was not loving to her. The email broke her heart because she thought that the reason he never told her he loved her or made love to her was that he just was kind of a cold person. Now she has seen the email, and she has gone ballistic.
His first reaction was to contact me and tell me how scared he was, that he didn't want to lose me, that he wanted to somehow make it right while keeping me in his life. I was supportive. He begged for my support, I gave it to him. I stayed up all night talking to him that first night, and I have been a constant source of support ever since (it has only been a few days). Then, get this, both of their sets of parents flew in to see them to have a whole family meeting about this!!!! I am outraged at this, but what can I do? I mean, I would never allow such a thing in my own life, but it is not my life, it is his, it is theirs.
Well, ever since the parents have been in the picture, his outlook toward me seems to have changed. Gradually over the course of a few days, his outlook has been less about "yes, this is my chance to get out of my sucky marriage" to "I have to show compassion by going through these meetings" to "there is a chance I will go back to her, and our dream of being together will have to die".
In the last day, I have asked him 20 times whether his goal is to rebuild. 20 times he has refused to answer. The closest he has gotten to answering is, "I don't want to but I don't want my marriage to end this way, and we haven't even finished our discussions here yet." Today, he has simply just flat out refused to answer me. Girls, we all know what that means, right?
My heart is breaking. I can't understand in my heart why it's all coming down this way. They were only married TWO YEARS, and he started to fall in love with me before they were married for ONE YEAR. And it was NO ACCIDENT. He went out LOOKING for love, and that is how he met me...he was looking for someone to love, and when he found me, he stopped looking because he had me. It wasn't like we met at work or school, and fell in love in spite of ourselves...it was PLANNED. He WANTED to fall in love with someone else.
And now this????
My heart is breaking.
Here is where we are at right now: he emailed me at 4 in the morning last night to tell me that they are in the midst of talks and that she may leave him but they may also try to make it work. I wrote back this morning when I got it, asking him if he wanted to rebuild the marriage and what that meant for US. Yesterday he was saying that even if he did rebuild, he would always have me in his life. Well, that made no sense to me - how do you rebuild and keep an affair going at the same time? So, I asked him once again if his goal is to rebuild and if so, did he plan to still keep me in his life, and on what terms because after all of this, was it really worth it to him to maintain the "just friends" charade?
No answer as of yet.
Please help....I am so sad. I don't know what to do, where to turn, how to deal. How did it turn out so ugly?

Pages
I cherish your responses...I really am sad and it helps to know that others have been where I am. It also helps to know that situations take turns for the better, for the worse, and you really can't know what tomorrow brings because right now, I would rather not know what tomorrow brings than to sit with the concept that tomorrow is going to be just like today...sucky!
The update is that he called me finally and we talked, and he does not want NC with me. He needs to get his wife to come home and to get past this crisis because (*he says) he is so ashamed of having it end THIS way and of having his reputation ruined, and having his family and her family know everything, etc. BUT he is also not willing to let me out of his life. Remember, we are in an emotional A, not a physical A at this point, and we are 1000 miles away.
While I am flattered that I matter enough to him to try to keep me in his life (even though it is selfish and stupid of him), I am not sure if I should even agree to that. I no longer "want" him because I can't stand his true colors - liar, coward, cheater, cake man. But at the same time, he gave something to my life - he made me feel good about myself, he was a supportive friend most of all.
So I am not sure what to do.
Honey, I know what you are going through, so please understand that what I am about to say comes from understanding your pain....
Walk away from this now. Hold your head up, have some self respect and walk away. If he truly LOVES you, he will follow. But to be there waiting just confirms that he is a cake man.
I am facing similar struggles...today makes 8 days of NC...he is waiting for me to contact him, which I will no longer do. Like you, MM(ex!) brought me many wonderful things...was supportive, made me feel good about myself....but I really think these are things I can bring to myself, too (but, I'm still working on that!!). I miss him like crazy...but I refuse to give in to this toxic relationship where it brings nothing but heartache and misery to me...while providing HIM with the needed passion in his life, the only thing lacking.
Click on my name and email me if you wish....or just keep posting. Try to do what you can to do NC...but then again, when the time is right, it is. And everyone reaches that point at different times...no one's bottom is the same.
Good luck. Big hugs!
dharma
I just had to comment on your post....you really brought up some good points.... A life with a MM is no life at all..so true. We like to think of our A's as relationships. People talk about how special their relationship is...well an A is built on lies, how freaking special can it be? Call it an Affair, call it what it is. It took me years to be able to do this...I thought we were different...I'm just like anyone else on this board.
Another good point you bring up is that we cannot rebuild without letting go of the A. I know people who went to counseling with their spouse trying to rebuild while carrying on the A....How senseless is that? A's cloud our judgement.
Lill, you sound like you have a good grip on the situation. Good luck to you.
Jazzdiva
Pages