Emotion v. Intellect
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| Thu, 05-26-2005 - 5:15pm |
I've been droning on and on this week about XMM's contact with me this past weekend for some advice on his current romantic problems; basically, his inability to choose between his new OW and his wife. While I recognize the insanity in this situation (and if I hadn't recognized before, Free and Id certainly helped me see it in my "tired vent" post!!!!) I did feel the need to hash it over with my T in our weekly session. She threw out 2 very interesting ideas:
1) his contact was pure manipulation, he didn't sincerely want or need my advice, he probably just wanted me to know that he had a new OW in his life who is "fighting" to keep him (she stormed into his home one night, with his wife and DD4 at home, screaming for answers). His desire for me to have this information likely stems from either continued extreme anger at my ending the A or a continued desire to drag me back into his life; and
2) my willingness to let him invade my privacy is based on an emotional attachment to a situation, namely the A, maybe even moreso than my attachment to him personally, and my inability to recognize on an intellectual level that even though I still have emotions wrapped up in him (or the situation) (granted, those feelings may be more like melacholia or loss at this point) I MUST keep him out of my life for my own sanity.
I guess my question to you all out there, especially Free who manages to 100 percent of the time be consistent in her feelings about ending the A, can this decision to completely detach from the XAP be a purely intellectual decision? Can you continue to have some confused feelings but intellectually deny any feelings that you have for the XAP?
I think that everytime this XMJ, as Free called him, or "pond scum" as Id called him, interrupts my life, I allow my emotions to govern my behavior rather than maintaining my typical intellectual approach to almost all other areas of my life and tell him to get lost once and for all. I've been waiting to feel a complete and total emotional detachment from the situation. Yeah, that's the truth, and that's why I keep allowing him to invade my life, there's still a lingering emotional attachment. And I feel sick admitting this. I'm so very happy with my DH, it's not that. And I'm certainly not thinking about jumping back into the A. It's more that I still feel something for this jerk, and yes, both emotionally and intellectually I know he's a jerk. And I can't put my finger on what that "something" is.
I posted at length about my boundary issues earlier this week, and it seems to me that being a boundary-less person to begin with, any lingering emotion I feel for this jerk makes it impossible for me to draw an emotional boundary that keeps him out of my life. So I need to draw that boundary based upon my intellect.
So is it possible to intellectually detach from the AP consistently? or is the intellectual detachment really more along the lines of denial? and will my emotions (confused as they are) eventually enter the picture and run ramshod over my intellectually-drawn boundary?
I hope I've articulated this well enough for someone to respond, because I'm really in a funk about my feelings here. Thanks, Love, Mo.


Mo
I think your T was hitting near the target, but let me put it in different terms :: Does a DRUG ADDICT love the drug pusher, does the addict love the Drug or does the Addict love the feelings that arise from the drug rather then the drug or the pusher....the point being it is the EMOTIONS that your hooked on, the situation including XMJ helped evoke those emotions/feelings that is the sum total of your interest in him in my opinion.
It is not much if at all different from any other physical "AND" emotional addiction and I think you have to deal with it the same way, apply the twelve steps.
And to answer you question about your emotions running over your intellect, NO everything we do we do by choice, WE MAKE A DECISION and act on it, NOTHING just happens....Drunk/drugged up or clean and sober we are always one hundred percent responsible for our decisions and the actions that follow them... your in control Mo you always were.
I hope these thoughts don't offend , but for me these are hard won TRUTHS learned from the school of hard knocks.
Free
Edited 5/26/2005 11:37 pm ET ET by mfreenow
Edited 5/26/2005 11:40 pm ET ET by mfreenow
I am an emotional thinker...
I will always (ugh) love the guy i thought I knew
INTELLECTUALLY...ive decided I cannot have this person in my life ever again.
My EMOTIONS cannot handle...even being friends. I DID SOMETHING WRONG...HE ALSO HURT ME DEEPLY..
Although I went further than i wanted to pathetically at the end...my INTELLECT will no longer let me do that. The buck stopped at my brain.
I dont want to detach emotionally because I don't want MY feelings to have been a lie. But I WILL detach nonetheless because INTELLECTUALLY I know his was (in my case).
I hope this helps {{{{{{{{{{Mo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
::extra hug for {{{{{{{{{free}}}} just cuz she works so hard and diligently for all of us...so unselfishly...thank you, (feeling my mushy feelin' self who is grateful tonight)
Lizzie
Free, you must get exhausted keeping all of us here on the straight and narrow! Great job, honey. We appreciate your efforts, and who knows how many of us your firm advice has saved from a fatal mistake.
That said, Free, can you honestly say that you never have even a passing emotion related to your A? Never melancholia? Not even a little?????
I guess the reason I'm being so nosey with you (and PLEASE feel free to tell me to MYOB) is that knowing other people didn't simply eventually experience an emotional detachment from their A but fought those sentimental or lovesick feelings would encourage me to be able to do the same.
Up until this past week, I haven't had these kind of urges to see XMM, even when he sent the errant text message. This has probably been evident from my infrequent appearance on this board. For some reason (and it could be because my life is a little topsy-turvy right now) this last stupid communication really got to me. Before that, I felt pretty much emotionally detached from the A and the XMM. Since this contact, not so much. And it has surprised and scared me.
I thought I had made much more progress than to find myself right back here on this board whining about XMM and missing him. I mean, shoot, it's been almost 1 1/2 years since we ended the A. I'm disappointed and disgusted with myself, but STILL TRYING TO UNDERSTAND the situation (I'm sorry, Free, I'm hopeless).
How do I stop trying to understand this mess and return to where I was a week ago before XMJ contacted me and I ran with it???? Thanks. Love, Mo.
Mo
>>>"That said, Free, can you honestly say that you never have even a passing emotion related to your A? Never melancholia? Not even a little?????"<<<
Over the AP NO he like your XMM "IS" a serial cheater and to the best of my knowledge still is, just older fatter and going bold. What I have Melancholia about is the price I payed, part of that price is the ability to completely trust ANYBODY at all.
I have said this before many times and I firmly believe it: affairs are not really about the AP they really are about us and what we got/get from the relationship "the payoff", you got a taste of that addictive property via the TMs, and low and behold you still LIKE it, not really a surprise if it was not so no addict would ever backslide into there addiction once free would they.
What would happen if you were to site down with a bottle of you favorite cocktail and drank it, would you or would you not have to deal with regaining your Sobriety again, would that take 10 minutes or would it takes days to weeks to do, I don't think what your going through now is any different, you had that FIX that you got from the Affair and now your going to have to regain your emotional Sobriety.
I wonder if part of the problem you may be having right now is that your assigning to much importance to this whole recent event allowing to to grow to the point in your minds eye were it is obstucting your vision of the truth...you beat this 18 months ago and your done with it.
OH And never ever "say" or "believe" that your hopeless that is just pure Horse-turds, the one voice you listen to more then all the other voices in the world is your own so make it say the things that will build you up not tear you down.
A blurb...
Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
Unknown source
Free
Great stuff, (((((Free))))). Thanks so much for caring enough to respond to my repeated shout-outs for help.
I do believe you're right, the melancholia is more about the freedom I felt during the A. I have alot of responsibility in my life - an inordinate amount. And I feel like I have from day one. I grew up in an alcoholic household and provided an incredible amount of care-taking to those who should have been taking care of me. As an adult I became an attorney, which is 100% about care-taking and fixing the messes others make in their lives. Plus, the ultimate in care-taking, I have a DS7 who is completely, 100% physically handicapped. He's basically an infant with a 7 year-old's mind. I still need to dress him, toilet him, carry him, you get the picture. The only opportunities in my entire life to be irresponsible came with the A and my active addiction, neither of which was at all healthy for me.
But everytime I find myself in a space like I am right now; i.e. more new clients than I can keep up with (thanks to the pending Bankruptcy Reform Act) and some existing clients unable to manage their own lives, a huge construction project and every freakin' contractor on the job wants my input YESTERDAY, and temporarily nanny-less while I try to run a law practice and take care of my kids (DH just got a significant promotion and he's trying to come up to speed by working 14 hours a day) I just want to be an immature jerk without any responsibility. Sorry, but sometimes it looks appealing.
I know there are no good excuses for not accepting the responsibility in my life, and I'm accepting it, darn it. But I think his most recent contact may have sent me in a tailspin because I feel like I'm drowning in responsibility these days. Thanks so much for guiding me thru this, Free. Love, Mo.
Mo
>>"I know there are no good excuses for not accepting the responsibility in my life, and I'm accepting it, darn it."<<<
Mo it sound like your are and have been taking responsibilities galour on much to your credit BUT you need to be able to escape them from time to time to recharge your batteries in a healthy safe manor,not sure what that will be for you but one thing is for sure if your going to take care of all those other folks you need to take care of yourself or your going to melt down or breakdown.
I hope you manage to get that nanny ASAP and maybe with all that work comeing in you could hire some help at your office...I know it all costs but what good is money if you have to look six feet up to count it.
Get some REST Dr Frees orders.