Emotional Affair

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Emotional Affair
25
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 6:31am
Hi, I have been lurking here for some months and have learned a lot about my behaviour from reading all the amazing wisdom posted on ths board. But I have come to the point where I really need some words of advice as I don't know what to do about the emotional mess I'm in. For the past 18 months I have been texting and meeting up on a weekly basis with the husband of one of my close friends. We are both married with 3 similarly-aged children, live up the road from each other and our family and social lives are very closely entwined. I have known this man for 7 years since he and his family moved here, and have always been attracted to him. In Feb last year, he invited me to go round for coffee and a chat on the morning he works from home and we have done this almost every week in term-time since. Sometimes I' m there for up to 2 hours and we just sit and talk. We have never been physical at all, not even kissed. His wife knows about our weekly coffee sessions and is fine with that. Over all this time I have been texting him, just reaching out to him I guess, from my neediness. He does reply, though rarely instigates. Both our spouses know that we text each other too, but I think my DH would be shocked by the amount of it. I recognise that on my part at least, this is clearly an emotional affair. I have very strong feelings for this man and would count him as one of my closest friends, but I also know that I am sexually attracted to him too. He has never said anything to me, but I think that he feels the same about me. I have been seeing a therapist for a year and they helped me to see that my obsession with this man was about my unmet needs, but I still can't let go of the relationship. I have been thinking I will tell him tomorrow that I cant go round to see him one to one anymore, but I feel the only way I can explain why not is to tell him how I feel about him, and if I do that I stand to lose the friendship we have and the friendship between our families too. He seems happy for the situation just to contine as it is indefinitely, but I am finding it so hard to know that he can never really be mine and worrying about the impact of all this on both our families, even though nothing physical has happened and nothing has been said between us. Sorry about this rambling post - its very hard for me to look at the situation objectively. Thanks in advance for your thoughts. Gillsil x

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
In reply to:
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 7:50am

Hi Gilsil

Ok, it looks like we can catch you in time before you go an ruin a lot of innocent lives because of selfishness.

You are showing a really good side of yourself, by coming here, and posting - big and important step in the right direction if you ask me :-)

If you know anything about me, I get really concerned when there are children involved. I don't really care if you want to destruct your own life - but I think as a person, adult, wife and mother, you gave up your "right" to only care about what *you* want out of life.

So - you know you need to snap out of the fantasy - walk it through - real slow. You open your heat to Mr Fantasy Man, and he tells you he loves you too. You start plotting ways to be together in private - more than you already do - because 2 hours once a week will no longer be enough. Your marriage gets neglected, your children wonder where you are all the time - and worst of all - I bet they will put up with your absence - because hey - that so-called-meeting at work was important - your job pays for their food, and nice clothes. Soon your hiding your phone, because those sms's are not only gettting more than frequent - they will give you away if read by anyone. You and Mr Fantasy Guy decide it time to be together. You tell your spouses, and then you and Mr Fantasy Man stand by - so-in-love and watch your Husband and his wife fall appart at the seams. You will then have to look into your childrens eyes, and tell them - this is what you need to feel complete - your needs are going to met now, and they are going to have the worlds most amazing mother, because she is so-in-love. You husband, your poor trusting husband may end up sucidal, depressed and out of work, unbale to help himself or ths kids. His wife may be the same, or become a bitter, broken woman - where does that leave the kids - with parents on both side going through the worst times of their lives. Are you an Mr Fantasy Man still happy? Carefree - chatting for hours of a coffee - loving life..... hmmm.... I think not.

What should you do? Don't tell him how you feel - it doesn't matter. Cancel your meetings every week, and find something else to do. Get on with your own life and be happy you still have it.

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to:
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 8:55am

Good morning, gillsil

Whew!  I believe you found us in the nick of time.  

I'm surprised at how both spouses seem to be fine about this, but then again, if one trusts their spouse and have no idea of what may be raging inside of them...

My advice to you would be to send him a text (DO NOT meet up in person)...a simple non-explanatory message.  "I am no longer able to meet up for coffee dates".  DO NOT...I repeat DO NOT...again even DO NOT explain how you feel about him. He doesn't need to know why...if he has half a brain, he'll figure it out. If you tell him, I'm willing to bet you'd be telling him as a fishing attempt...to see how he responds...and it will open the door to his possibly telling you how he feels and then you'll both be stuck in the Fantasy of What Ifs and If Onlys.  Do not take any further calls.  

It's good you took stalk of yourself...recognizing that you are standing right on the 'cross over line' and know enough to nip it in the bud before all hell breaks loose.  You just saved yourself, your family and this friendship.

Shoot off your message and come here for support.  Welcome to EAS

((hugs))

Clarity 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 7:23pm

Oh baby, these posts are all right on the money, these people have BTDT. And I remember that conversation so well--'cause I had it--the one where I said, I can't be your lover, it wouldn't be right. I can tell you what room I was in and what time of day. And that was when Pandora's Box opened. Don't do it. You are already much smarter than I was. Save yourself while you still can.

--Bird

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2001
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 8:08pm

Hi Gilsil,

You are doing what I did in the beginning, trying to figure it out, not sure of how you want to proceed, testing the waters. Going from a EA to a PA takes nothing to happen. It already has. I had a crush on xAP, he paid attention to me and I was desperate for attention from a man. H is always working. Anyway, it's a pull that is as strong as the tide, each glance, each conversation, is another step to a PA. Figure out what it is that he gives you (outside of the fantasy) and try to get it from your H. If that doesn't work, focus your energy somewhere else if you decide the A is not what you want. I used to spend a lot of time on the MAS boards and believe it or not it was so depressing to read the sadness and disappointment all the time while in the affair. It wasn't what I wanted even when I was doing it. I don't know if you are smarter than the rest of us and can cut out the friendship now or if your going to find out for yourself how hard it is to try and love a man who is unavailable all the time, I was last on his list, always, even at the very beginning.  

Good luck, keep posting. Hugs,

Fran

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 5:23am

Hey Gillsil

 

I know exactly how you are feeling right now, we all do here. But listen - you have just done something so couragous and sobrave, and without anyone knowing (except us) you have saving 2 familes. You have shown you have character and an amazing strength. Well done.

I know these words can't heal the pain you are feeling now, let the pain, and fear out.. its been building up for a long time, and this has to come out before it will pass. I wish I could be there to help you through and offer a hug, but like the rest of us here it a pain that has to be suffered alone and in silence - because we were living lies and fantasies.

Please don't respond to his text - its a reciepe for disaster and you know it. Instead focus on you - your kids - and your husband and what you can do to improve things at your end. Do things you have been putting on hold, go for long reflective walks, work out, go shopping... papmer yourself.

Keep posting here, sweetie - we are listen. You can do this!

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 5:40am

Its really scarey - I was in my fastasy world 3 years - and then having to adjust to the normal world with out the "highs".

It will take time - There is a healing process you have to do through (I hope you have read in the healing library). Work really hard on spoiling yourself in the start - I know it sounds absurd - but your selfish behviour needs to be chanelled in a healthier direction - so give yourself a facial or whatever it is you love doing.

Take your family out for dinner tonight - look at their faces and smile that you are giving them you dreamt you would. Keep positive enforcing the good stuff.... I know its hard - boy do I know... I still have a tough time with some crazy thoughts on the odd occasion.

And yes - the pain in overhealmingly painful :-(

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 6:02am

Hi Gilsil,

Hi and Well done you! Give yourself a big hug. I know just how you are feeling, I walked away from an EA 4 months ago, and it has been one of the most hurtful and hardest 4 months of my life, but I know if I had continued, they would have been a picnic compared to how I could have hurt and worse those that I love most in the world.. I promise you though it will get better, it really will. None of it was real, even though thats hard to digest at the minute but you will though.

 

This is a great place, to help support you through the rough times. Keep posting and reading in the healing library. Sending you a big hug and WGO is right DO NOT TEXT HIM BACK - it will just be a temporary fix and could suck you right back in. I know you think you will never survive without him in your life, but try not to think about tomoro, next week, next month, just take it hour by hour for now.

 

Sending you big hugs and wishing you much strength on your journey

 

(Hugs)

Sunny Soon Xxx

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 9:05am

Believe it or Not!!!

You are fortunate. 

Ending it while it is still a fantasy is best thing that you could ever do for your life, your families lives and his, and his families lives.

Hurt??? 

Yes it hurts to end things.  Again you are lucky.  Nothing compared to the hurt of looking at your H in court as you end your marriage, and realizing that your kids know what you are, and how you sold them out for someone else.

Cut him off, stay away, Block and Walk, and do whatever it takes to realign with your H and your family.  Part of the A fog is not realizing how you have shut out the people who really love you, even when you have shut them out of your life.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. -- Mignon McLaughlin

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 9:33am

Good morning (((gillsil))))

Bravo!  You did it!  

There's not one person here who has not been where you are, feeling what you are feeling, wondering how they would make it through their day.  And look, we are all here still, having it made it through that day..the following days, weeks, months, years.  Best to keep it manageable by taking it one day at a time.  I promise you it will get better as time and distance work their magic.

It is a bereavement and you just have to go through the grieving process...be patient with yourself and pamper yourself over the next few days...you deserve it.  

I know you have a family to tend to, and they will occupy most of your time...give everyone a big ole hug..as a reminder why you put a stop to your affair.    

Try to stay close to the Board and keep reaching out for support and to talk about your feelings.  

Hang in there...you are going to be alright.

((hugs))

Clarity

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
In reply to:
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 11:40am
Hello Gill

Welcome to EAS.

What amazing insights and revelations you have of yourself, especially your comment regarding your neediness and obsessive behavior.

You mentioned 'unmet needs'. I think we all feel that at one time or another. I know I had before I entered into my A. My xap was my "emotional candy". hmmm it did feel good...but boy did I get cavities...then I had to go through the painful process of extracting those decayed teeth. Ouch! I am so glad you are not at that stage. You my friend are on the threshold of heaven and hell. Step over that threshold in to a PA and I guarantee you.... that you will be in hell. No good will come from it.

Get a hold of yourself. You can let go of this relationship or at least the idealization of what you "think" it is. Break it down into little pieces:

1. Instead of spending two hours with him, what else can you do for yourself to fill your void?

2. Instead of texting him..try texting your husband with: "I love you". or Text your kids, friend, sister, brother, ect with "Hi...want to have lunch?" or "How are you doing?"

3. Instead of thinking thoughts of him, replace them with " I don't need him". "This is not a REAL relationship" "I am pretending to want him".

WORDS are so powerful and what we tell ourselves our minds and heart BELIEVE it!

Gillsil, how are you doing today?







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