emotional affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
emotional affair
6
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:09am
Hi all I was here yesterday. Looking for support, I'm tring not to contact OM. mind you we havent even had sex. But I think of him constantly. I want to email him so bad but I'm not going to. I think I think If I don't email him maybe he will email me wondering whats up. Its bad enough I have to work with him on Fri and Sat. And once I see him I will turn to mush. What s really hard is knowing he feels something for me. But He wont act on it becaues I'm married.

This all started out as a silly crush last year in the summer. I wondered if I could attract this much younger man and I did. We acknowledged that we have the same feelings for one another. Now all I think of is him. I know I have to give this up. but its so hard. He is in his last year of college and he will leave this job, for something better and when he does i need to be prepared. I will be crushed.

I have a wonderful husband and 2 kids. But my feelings have changed for hubby. ever since our last child was born. I've been struggling with not wanting him for last 8 yrs. i don't want hubby to touch me majority of the time. Sex is once a week and i have to workupto it. I thought my sex drive had gone. and it was all me. But now all I think about is wanting this other man. I want him and he knows it. I just need to vent cause I want to email him so bad. I never thought I would get so hung up on him.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:37am
deb,

Please listen to this! (I pulled it from another post)

"I wanted him like no other man ever but it was not worth it. It would have been lovely had we never acted on our desire and he would have remained my dream man forever. I realized that part of being a grown up is that you don't get everything you want and mastery of emotions is a big step in maturity. I have a long journey ahead of me but I am learning everyday and everyday I am getting stronger and emotionally further away from the addiction that once weakened me more than what I knew was possible."

Also a good quote - "Smart people learn from their mistakes. Smarter people learn from other's mistakes".

We know it's the hardest thing that you'll ever have to do - addiction is a strong thing to fight off. I myself had to give in before realizing I can't do this! It's not who I am.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:00pm
Deb,

Please be very careful. I was in the same situation and the SECOND you act on it, things change. You channel energies away from your family and marriage, you become emotionally attached, and you become addicted to the high. Please learn from my mistakes. I am healing, finally, but 5 months of nervous panic at work (whether we were on or off) and it's still not easy to walk down the hall or wait for the elevator never knowing if he'll be there. I distanced myself from my husband and our marital problems, which might sound good now, but it doesn't fix anything. It makes things worse. I can't look my mother in the face when she asks me what's been on my mind. I can't look my boss in the eye when she asks me to get with XOM on a project. I missed out on some major life experiences because they were overshadowed by either passionate thoughts of him or pain he caused. So not worth it. I promise.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:29pm
Thanks for your support, I am already emotionally attached. My marraige is on shakey ground as it is. Things havent been really good for alot of years now. I don't desire my husband anymore and there seems to be alot of resentment there. and its not getting any better. Even before this emotional affair started I couldn't fix it.

Its really hurts cause I never have felt him (OM) or kissed him, or been held by him. although I know he would very much like too. I'm so confused as to what i want right now. I hate not knowing what all that would have been like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:46pm
Something that has helped me is individual counseling to halp me figure our what need XOM was meeting. Something wasn't right with me (and H) and that's why I was so drawn to him. It felt good at first, but that is not the answer. Even if your marriage is dead, you need to explore that and figure out what's going on. Marital counseling is a good idea- even if it is only to confirm that you and H should not be together. What can it hurt? OM is not the answer. You first need to address all of you and H issues, make the decision to either fix it or move on. Only then will you be ready to start something else with OM. It's not fair to anyone involved if you don't do the work you need to do. Having an affair with OM is the easy way out at first, but it will F. things up beyond your wildest imagination. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's tough love, Deb. Been there, done that, you DON'T want to go there!
Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:51pm
Deb,

I am usually a lurker on the boards, but I have been exactly where you are right now. I've been married for 13 years and the last two have been bad. We stopped talking to each other and drifted apart. In Decemeber I was re-introduced to an old friend who was younger than me and man was he hot. He was cute, sexy, funny, a great flirt, and an old friend. I too wondered if this old married lady w/ 2 kids could ever attract a man like this. When he started showing interest in being more than friends, it was so nice to feel wanted and sexy and alive, that I caved. It was the worst mistake I ever made!!!! We were together just once-- I drove 6 hours to see him. I realized right away that I would never fit into his world, but I wanted so badly to be young and sexy agian ( i'm only 32). After that weekend, I called him a few times and he was short with me. He was suposed to come home the next weekend ( I'm friends w/ his family). He did, but he never called. I have had no contact with him since June. I've tried a couple times to email..but he never responded. Not only have I lost a friend, but I also lost my self respect along the way. I don't contact his family anymore--it's too painful. It's not worth what you will loose to gain a few minutes of what you think will be joy. My H found out about the affair in an email I had written to a friend, so not only have I hurt myself, I have destroyed him as well. Even though things were not good between us, he never deserved this. Please know that the grass is not greener on the other side---it's dead and brown. Save yourself from a lot of pain and heartache.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:11pm
thanks I think I needed to hear these things. about the grass not being greener. its not that I need to feel sexy, my hubby is very turned by me and he lets me know. I'm just not turned on with him. OM has already made it clear that we can not see each other outside of work. but I know he wants me. he told me that if I wasn't married he knew we could go out and have a good time. I'm the one who persues him. I just have to stop now. and figure out if I want to save my marriage or not.

this old lady is 41 and he is just 21. Last year in college and eventually he will quit his job for something better. thats why I know I have to let go now.

is your relationship geting better with your husband now??