Emotional Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2004
Emotional Affair
9
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 10:14pm
I posted below and mefreenow was nice enough to answer, and suggest I post up here.

I posted this:

It hurts as much as a physical affair.

We were best friends, were emailing eachother daily, and I don't even have that anymore.

He made the decision to stop talking to me. He just stopped. No warning. It's like he didn't even care enough about me to even tell me he wanted to stop speaking to me.

I found out from a friend that he stopped talking to me because he felt guilty about us, and he felt guilty that he was 'leading me on', and had no intention of leaving his family.

I check my email all the time, and the nights are the hardest. I lie in bed and start thinking about him, and I start to cry.

Then I get angry, then I want to email him and tell him he's a jerk, but I won't do that.

I see couples on TV, older couples, married couples, and I think of him.

I am in tears now as I write this because I miss him so much.

I am glad I found this board. It helps to know that I am not the only one this has happened to, and to know that I am not a bad person.

============

Mefreenow's answer made me feel much better. I see now what she was saying, and I agree, but it still hurts so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:06am
Keep reading and posting here and in time it does get better. When I first came here last Sept I felt like a lost soul, I was so hurt and confused. I didn't post at first, I just read and read. If I had a question I searched the archives and there would be answers.

When I ended my A I had no idea how hard it would be. XMM and I always said we would enjoy each others company and when one of us wanted to end it there would be no regrets. Well, easier said than done. I still miss my friend, but I don't miss the A one bit. Our friendship was well known to my H, but not to his W. We had more than an emotional A, but thankfully never slept together. Not sleeping together didn't make it any less painful to end it though.

Best of luck to you. In the long run you will see that your XMM is doing you a big favor even though right now it hurts so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 1:40pm
Wanted to send you a hug!! I know it is hard. I have been there, and still struggle with missing OM. It does get better, that I promise you. The tears and thoughts that center around him will be less, you will feel better. Hang in there and get through each day. Keep posting. It is a huge help!!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 2:13pm
alifechoice and Karry72, Thank you so much for your kind words.

You have no idea how much better I feel since I found this wonderful board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 3:20pm
Welcome, readhead, and hugs! I know how hard it is; go back and read some old posts on this board and you'll realize that a lot of us have been right where you are. This place has *really* helped me a lot in my struggle to get over the A.

I know the way your MM stopped talking to you so suddenly must really sting. But trust me when I say, he is doing the best thing for both of you! You deserve the real deal, not to have to share someone with a wife! And it wouldn't necessarily make it much easier if he had told you goodbye before starting the NC, trust me on that one, too! :)

Good luck, hope to see you around here a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:15pm
Hi Blonde, just wanted to let you know, you are not alone, I am in NC now too with no notice or explanation. Just bang, NC starts. Then he may get ahold of me again after several weeks if he feels like it. Then he tells me he felt he "needed a break". Now wouldn't that make you feel nice/wanted.

At least you've found out thru another source to tell you why he did this. When I am in NC, I get nothing, no one.

I know how much it hurts and here's a ((((hug)))) for you.

Hang in there, like they all say, it will get better in time. Its hard to believe, but as time goes by it will hurt less and less.

This may not apply to you, but I've gone thru NC so many times now with him, I've really lost alot of feeling for him and it no longer bothers/upsets me like it used to do.

Take care,

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:38pm
I have to wonder why you're still involved with him if you've lost a lot of feeling for him. NO ONE should treat you like that...I don't think there's any excuse for any one to disappear for awhile and then reappear and expect you to carry on. One thing I realized...I put up with a lot from xMM because I thought he was my soul mate. Finally I realized that if anyone of my "friends" did some of this stuff to me, I would have quit being friends with them. I think sometimes women are so forgiving of the men they love that they accept things that they shouldn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 8:54am
Hi Startingnew, you are right, we shouldn't put up with this kind of treatment. I think I am reaching the end of my feelings for him. It was only supposed to be a physical affair but I did develop feelings, apparently he did not.

Anyways, the NC times really put things in perspective for me. He leaves me without a word for weeks, then calls and expects me to jump at the chance to see him when its convenient for him.

And now of all times, when I think I am starting to get over him, my H sends me a really sweet email saying how much he loves me, thinks I'm sexy and wants to work on R.

The timing just seems that maybe it means I should end the A and really concentrate on my M if H is willing to try.

So, I'm thinking, maybe I'll be saying 'au revoir' to MM. That's if I ever hear from him again. Thanks for your thoughts,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:07am
Maybe you should take the initiative and end it instead of waiting to hear from MM. If you're like me, there's a lot of power in being the one to make the decision and act on it. Also, then you won't have it hanging over your head and won't have to wonder if and when he'll call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:41am
You are very right, and I have kind of made up my mind that's what I'm going to do. He doesnt' phone me, we only use email, etc. I am not going to email him though, he's been ignoring/avoiding me for over a week now. So I have it set the computer so that he can't see if I'm online, and if he emails me, I think I will not answer, just give him the NC treatment like he's been giving me.

I also find that not re-reading previous emails, etc. is really helping me to get over him. By rehashing everything, you just perpetuate the feelings that you had.

But I think I've been gradually coming to this decision, its taken awhile, but I think I am there. And you're right, its empowering to think that the control is in your hands for a change!! Thanks for your advice, its great.

Dusty

xxxx