emotional basketcase - support please
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emotional basketcase - support please
| Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:13am |
I know there is no set time to be over the A but I just can't seem to shake it. It will be two months since we broke it off and I just don't seem to be getting any better. Sure, I have days I am fine but shouldn't I have stopped the days of crying by now. I just cant help to think of him and the time we had. If only I could have one more phone call with him so I could get some reassurance that he was hurting too. I will never get that bc the last time I called he didn't want to talk bc we were over and it was my idea to quit the A and not talk any more. I hate this - we never really said goodbye and I just acted all cool and collective and acted like this is what I wanted bc I didn't want to get hurt. So its my fault - I don't have closure - he wanted to meet and talk about everything and I was just thinking - yeah, sure it will turn into sex so I didn't want to meet him. I wanted to hurt him bc I was hurting. I hate this. I need to get over this. Does it really get better with time bc so far time is not working with me. I love my husband and I am happy but just remembering my XMM and the things we shared and talked about brings me so down. He didn't want it to end bc he knew he would be happier with me but just couldn't leave her right now which I understand I was not ready to leave my husband either. Please some support would really help me now. I am so depressed and can't stop crying.

I can simpathize with you, Monday made exactly 2 months for me too. I know that feeling of not having closure, It hurts like hell, but you need to move on, there really is no such thing as closure when you think about it. No affair or relatonship ever ends on good terms or at least most of them. I have felt the desire to contact him just to hear him one more time, but in all reality I know I should not. It would do me a great deal of harm as I know I still love this man so incredibly much. This board has been my godsent and I am glad I found it. Keep posting it helps. There is no exact time as to when the pain will end but you know it will some day.
Stay strong, wishing you the best
Ladybug
I don't have much advice to offer, but you have all my empathy. It seems like I've been living with this heartache for years, when it's only been a few months.
The only thing that keeps me from picking up the phone is that I know it can only get better. It's simple logic, my heart MUST start healing with time. Like you, I wish I knew the end was in sight.
Be strong! This board is so helpful. I know I would have broken my resolve and my NC by now if I didn't have these posts.
Thanks for sharing!
I know you're hurting. I've been there...heck, I'm still there. xOM and I broke up nearly 3 months ago, and sometimes I still cry. I don't think there is a magic date where you can say, "It will take you 6 months, 3 days, 5 hours and 12 minutes to get over your A." You invested emotions - now you are grieving.
I have good days and bad days. I definitley cry alot less than I did even a month ago. But the pain is still there, and I assume will be for awhile. You can't waste your time worrying about his emotions and what he is going through. I undersatnd the need to do it though - hence my many posts wondering why I am getting phone calls at 2am. You have to realize that everyone is different. Some people mask their pain, some let show, and some just push past it.
Worry about healing YOU. Know that there is no 'closure' to your A. This has been hard for me to accept too, but something I am working on. I don't think there is any answer xOM could give me that would be satisfactory as to why he ended things and how he has managed to move on. I would asume the same for you.
Know that you're not alone. What you're going through is normal - it sucks, but it's normal and you WILL get better!!
Diva
I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. HUGS from me. I know how you feel so, so well. But you are such an inspiration to me==you are doing really great! Wow you have made it two months. I have gone two months before, I have gone four months before so I know how it feels. Both times he was still there in my head. It was like I was waiting for him to contact me. Finally he did. But each time--we had a very short period of contact-the A never started again, only anger and mistrust and a weakening of our love because there were no actions from him to make it a real relationship.
In other words--it can't be fixed by contact--it can never be fixed--its just wrong and can't be made right. There was some comfort to know that we both still held onto each other after months of separation--but by holding on--I didn't get him--I just got the pain. There was great pain after contact and then starting over on NC there was great pain in holding on for months *waiting* for him--because when he came it was only for comfort from me--not for a real relationship.
You are doing so well and are saving yourself so much pain by going forward with NC. I know that it will get better for you==it does take such a long time, but it is AMAZING all the days you have already made it!! You made it through the worst. Really you already did. You have already survived--you just don't realize it.
It is finally getting better for me. When I feel pain and sadness now I realize it is not about HIM it is because of the stresses and big changes in my life since my D. I have to make a beautiful life for myself. I realize that I think of xMM in order to ESCAPE from the difficulties of my REAL life the life he NEVER SHARED with me for one minute!
Stay busy and talk to people and believe it will never get worse than what you already made it through. I know that is true.
Today xMM IMd me and I got off line instantly and then blocked my IM BECAUSE I really don't want it anymore. IM MOVING ON MOVING ON HE HAD HIS CHANCE BUT HE BLEW IT OTHER FISH OUT IN THE OCEAN!!!
Try writing a letter to him but not sending it saying goodbye how you want to say goodbye. You could even write a letter back from him.
Stay strong
Survive
Have you read any books on affairs? There are some good ones. I read 'not just friends'
and 'letting go'. The book 'letting go' explains all the stages that we go through - I just happened to go to the bookstore last week and skimmed through it. I found that I had lots of the 'symptoms' and experienced the stages. It's really interesting.
Anyway, no contact works the best. My A was very short-lived (the physical part) so I think that is why I've been able to get through these stages in relatively short-terms.
I can tell you that this was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. You have to think of the reasons you ended it (for me I just could not be the person it turned me into.) I am an honest, up-front, good wife and mother. During the A I turned into a liar, a cheater, and a distracted wife and mother. I got to a point where I couldn't deal with it.
If you focus on the reasons why you are getting out, that should help. I also kept a journal, it helps tremendously to write your feelings down. I still do this and it's been over 3 months for me. I have good days and bad days, don't get me wrong but I am just about to the point where I can face XMM and know for a fact that he will not make me melt anymore. It's done.
I also decided to see a therapist because I want to make sure I know the real reason I got myself into this and to pound it into my brain that I will never let myself do it again.
If you are depressed, you should see your doctor. They can prescribe things that will help you. This is definitely not an easy path but somehow we all found ourselves on it.
Good luck to you.