Emotional devestation......please help..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Emotional devestation......please help..
9
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:49pm
Could the agony of heart ache be any worse? Why must it rip through my skin and pierce my soul as it does. I hurt from head to toe. Even my eyelashes are in pain. I can barely focus, unable to concentrate, utterly and hopelessly lost. 13 years ago, I began an affair with a married man. I was single, he was a young police officer answering a call to a neighbors home. When looked at each other it was magical. Like something out of the movies. We became friends and nearly 2 years later became lovers...I ended the physical relationship as the pain was to great....I knew he would not hav left his wife....and we remained friends. I eventually met and married my husband. Still, we remained friends....for 8 years I have been married now and have loved this other man the entire time. Things recently became physical gain and we kissed. He freaked out and I am hurt and through subsequent emails this week have discovered that the magical forbidden love I thought we had was much more inflated on my part and more of an ego boost for him. I am in pure agony. I wrote him a sort of mean email and told him to leave me alone...and he is. Of course, what I really want is for him to call me or wrote to me and tell me how sorry he is and that he has always loved me...13 years of my life ladies, just blew up in my face. I love him soooo much. My husband has never stood a chance against this man. I have spent so many years wishing that he was someone else and subconciosly angry with him for not..for not being as strong, or as powerful, for not being a cop, for not being another man entirely. I have been so unfair.....No one could ever have lived up to the fairytale I have created. I hurt so much I can't beleive it. How can I possibly make this up to my husband and give him my entire heart? I want to love him like I should, but I don't know if can or ever will....please, someone help me.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 1:14pm

princess,

i am sorry that there is so much pain but also be happy that u have realized that its just a fanstasy u have created in your mind and it fooled your heart as well

u know MM will never be with u, find yourself again, u have a H there that deserves your love and attention and everything, unless the marriage is not working then u need to make a choice and your husband deserves an answer

stop living that fairy tale in your mind, there is no such thing

welcome to the board, now u have to think of yourself, forget about MM, he just want to have his cake and eat it too

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 1:43pm
I thought he loved me...maybe he does. I don't know how to let go! I have already called his voicemail 3 times just to hear his voice....it hurts so much. I can't stop thinking about him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 5:53pm

princess,

whether he loves u or not is not the issue here anymore, U ARE, u are making this all up in your mind, stop with all the fantasy, i know it is hard to let go but u have to try , u will fail but try again until u will succeed

well i u call u will think of him so delete his number from your phone

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 6:02pm
How? How Is it in my head....How have I made uo 13 years? We have never gone more than a week without contact, in 13 years. I can't just delete his numbers, they are emblazened in my brain. I am dying inside. I feel as though my heart has been ripped out through my teeth and that I have lost my best friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 6:33pm

princess,

i wish i knew all the answers to all of your questions , hey but u have to deal with the here and now in your life, maybe it is time to seek professional help

all i can suggest is not to neglect your health, pls eat or force yourself to eat and also sleep, take some benadryl or something over the counter

i know its too soon, but if u go back to the same cycle if will be like groundhog day to u and the pain will be even more

just make small steps, delete his emails, voicemails, snailmails and dont or at least try not to call him, change your cell number if u must

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 7:48pm

Princess..you have spent a very long time living someone else's life but not your own.
Thirteen years is a long time, you deserve to grieve and mourn for losing those thirteen years to a man who never could fully be yours. But on top of that you married someone. Who is he? What is he like? What made you marry him? When does he get to know you as HIS wife, and not a woman who is wrapped up in another man's life?

I don't deny your pain or hurt. But you have to stop wasting time on a man who isn't yours, who hasn't allowed himself to ever be fully yours. And your husband deserves attention so that you can decide if this marriage is for you or not. You are obviously a loving, passionate person. Life is too short to waste on someone who isn't who you thought he was. Please get help. A counselor or therapist to talk this out with. You need to find yourself again, and figure out why you married the man you are with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 11:10am
I feel a bit better today. I still hurt but the pain ends at my ankles instead of the tips of my toes. I am feeling a loss. I feel as though I have lost my best friend. I miss him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 11:44am
i dont have any advice for you .. but i feel ur pain.. mine hasnt been as long as yours but it hurts just the same.. comfort for me is knowing that im not alone.. there are many people here that know exactly what u r feeling... hang in there
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 2:07pm
Thank you. I must admit that N/C did not last. We have spoken, and cried, and apologized. There is no way that either of can let go of our friendship. We can both forgo the intimate or physical side of it, but could never stand just being erased from each others lives completely.