Emotional Self Destruction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Emotional Self Destruction?
6
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:22am

It’s been less than 2 weeks since I told OM that I thought we should end our R & just be friends. I was also the one who demanded NC unless my H was w/ around. I went so far as to block OM’s e-mail from mine and block his # from my cell phone. I even told H about the R with OM. OM & H are friends too. H is trying to let me handle this situation on my own. I have a VERY understanding H who loves me very much.

When I saw OM on Sunday, he suggested that we meet...to “talk” about everything. He said he was ready to accept our R being over but he needed to have this talk w/ me for “closure”

Yesterday (Monday), I fought the urge all day to agree to this meeting. It was all I could think about. Finally, I decided that maybe he DID need this since he was unwilling to accept our breakup last week. I called him and agreed to meet him.

At first our conversation was casual, the normal gibberish that goes w/ normal conversation. Finally, OM reached over & took my hand but I pulled away. I asked him if he was willing to accept that our R was over. He said that he DID accept it but he was not happy about it. He went into a huge speech about how much he cares for me & how he’s miserable w/out me in his life. He also apologized for being pushy about insisting that I get a D to be w/ him.
He told me how much our R meant to him, how I had treated him better than anyone had ever treated him, how women had used him in the past and how loved he felt when he was w/ me.

OM’s self esteem had been at rock bottom for a long time & when we were together he began to pull out of it & build confidence in himself. I could tell that he was beginning to get down on himself again. I tried SO hard not feel his pain. I tried being a cold-hearted BIT@*. I tried to tell myself that he was just trying to suck me back in by making me feel sorry for him.

It didn’t work...the first tear that rolled down my face was like a switch...he immediately put his arms around me, began to stroke my hair & kiss my forehead. (I don’t know why but that always makes me MELT). “I can’t lose you” were the next words that he said to me. He began to cry. He just held me tighter and we both cried. We sat there for almost 2 hours in each other’s arms, very few words spoken, no making out....we just held each other.

Ok, guys...here is where I need help...

I got a telephone call that my 9 - year old lost a tooth (she’s very dramatic and everything is an emergency w/ her...especially if blood is involved) so I had to leave... That is where we left things. I told him that I needed to go....he gave me the sweetest most gentle kiss that I’ve ever received... he was trembling & crying the entire time.
That was IT!!! I’m physically sick today & have been since I left him last night. I can’t eat nor did I sleep last night. I've cried till I think dehydration has set in! One good thing (I guess)I told H that I had seen OM to talk to him and H totally understood. I'm at least staying honest w/ H.
HELP..... What have I done? Have I given OM the impression that we are ok? Why am I so sick over this? Until yesterday, I was ok w/ ending the R and making my M and family my # 1 priority but now......I'm so confused...I don't know what to do???

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 2:49pm
THis is why NC exists. So this kind of back and forth behavior and confusion won't exist. You poor thing, i know exactly how you feel. DONT see the OM again. You need time away to know if you really truly want to work on your marriage. You are lucky that you have an H that is so understanding, but don't fool yourself into thinking that he will always understand and take you back. Crap or get off the pot is the crude way of saying what you need to do. I went back and forth for years, and we did the whole holding and crying thing. It just adds to the anguish. If your XOM wanted closure then I think that you gave it to him by seeing him. Now go back to NC and try and move on.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 3:06pm

I agree! I am hoping that it's over for him too. I KNOW that I love my H. My M is GREAT. My H is very understanding, loving & caring. I am a TOTAL FOOL for ever having this A. What I am having trouble with is why I keep doing this to myself? And how I can feel so strongly for OM when I have such a great H?

I sure don't want to yo-yo for years. I've only been doing it a few weeks so I can not imagine what you went thru.

Thanks for the advise.

Looking

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 3:42pm

OM & H are friends .........He is not your husband' friend. He is your husband's enemy.

I'm so confused...I don't know what to do??? ..........Your husband needs to have a talk with this pretend friend. The talk needs to be upfront and personal. This should solve your problem with OM. The only downside is if you haven't been upfront with h.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 3:56pm

Your name in this message board is looking to find myself, The best advise I can give you is to do that take a short trip it can be just for a weekend and just think about what is truely important to you in life. I know its hard ending something but some times it has to be done, and if you are going to work things out with your husband you cant ever see this man even if your husband is around because those feelings pop right back up.

Natalia

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 4:42pm
Girl, don't take this the wrong way cause you know that I'm in your corner....but something had to be wrong with your marriage or your head to let this happen. You weren't taken advantage of, you are a grown woman and you willingly had an affair. Something caused that. SO until you can do some serious self reflection, either by yourself or preferably with a therapist then you can totally make sense of this crazy situation that you are in. You say that your marriage and your husband is SO GREAT, but you had an affair so how great could it have really been. I'm not saying that you are in a bad marriage...I WANT YOU to be in a good marriage....but you need to start owning your feelings and getting real. Stop playing this victim here and make a decision to stick to NC. I know I sound harsh but lets just say I'm the female Dr Phil in the affair world. You are a lucky girl to have an H that is so understanding, but don't think that you are going to ride off into the sunset after this and live happily ever after. This is a process and you are only in the beginning.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 5:31pm

Probably do need therapy. H is great. His ONLY fault is that he tends to smother me at times. He wants us to be together 24/7. I have issues I know...and I certainly am not a victim. I agree, I need to get off the pot and do something. NC is the way I must go. I appreciate everyone's opinion.

I may look into therapy, this is not the first decent man I've cheated on. : (

Again,

Thanks to all!!!