Emotional Self Destruction?
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| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:22am |
It’s been less than 2 weeks since I told OM that I thought we should end our R & just be friends. I was also the one who demanded NC unless my H was w/ around. I went so far as to block OM’s e-mail from mine and block his # from my cell phone. I even told H about the R with OM. OM & H are friends too. H is trying to let me handle this situation on my own. I have a VERY understanding H who loves me very much.
When I saw OM on Sunday, he suggested that we meet...to “talk” about everything. He said he was ready to accept our R being over but he needed to have this talk w/ me for “closure”
Yesterday (Monday), I fought the urge all day to agree to this meeting. It was all I could think about. Finally, I decided that maybe he DID need this since he was unwilling to accept our breakup last week. I called him and agreed to meet him.
At first our conversation was casual, the normal gibberish that goes w/ normal conversation. Finally, OM reached over & took my hand but I pulled away. I asked him if he was willing to accept that our R was over. He said that he DID accept it but he was not happy about it. He went into a huge speech about how much he cares for me & how he’s miserable w/out me in his life. He also apologized for being pushy about insisting that I get a D to be w/ him.
He told me how much our R meant to him, how I had treated him better than anyone had ever treated him, how women had used him in the past and how loved he felt when he was w/ me.
OM’s self esteem had been at rock bottom for a long time & when we were together he began to pull out of it & build confidence in himself. I could tell that he was beginning to get down on himself again. I tried SO hard not feel his pain. I tried being a cold-hearted BIT@*. I tried to tell myself that he was just trying to suck me back in by making me feel sorry for him.
It didn’t work...the first tear that rolled down my face was like a switch...he immediately put his arms around me, began to stroke my hair & kiss my forehead. (I don’t know why but that always makes me MELT). “I can’t lose you” were the next words that he said to me. He began to cry. He just held me tighter and we both cried. We sat there for almost 2 hours in each other’s arms, very few words spoken, no making out....we just held each other.
Ok, guys...here is where I need help...
I got a telephone call that my 9 - year old lost a tooth (she’s very dramatic and everything is an emergency w/ her...especially if blood is involved) so I had to leave... That is where we left things. I told him that I needed to go....he gave me the sweetest most gentle kiss that I’ve ever received... he was trembling & crying the entire time.
That was IT!!! I’m physically sick today & have been since I left him last night. I can’t eat nor did I sleep last night. I've cried till I think dehydration has set in! One good thing (I guess)I told H that I had seen OM to talk to him and H totally understood. I'm at least staying honest w/ H.
HELP..... What have I done? Have I given OM the impression that we are ok? Why am I so sick over this? Until yesterday, I was ok w/ ending the R and making my M and family my # 1 priority but now......I'm so confused...I don't know what to do???

Jazzdiva
I agree! I am hoping that it's over for him too. I KNOW that I love my H. My M is GREAT. My H is very understanding, loving & caring. I am a TOTAL FOOL for ever having this A. What I am having trouble with is why I keep doing this to myself? And how I can feel so strongly for OM when I have such a great H?
I sure don't want to yo-yo for years. I've only been doing it a few weeks so I can not imagine what you went thru.
Thanks for the advise.
Looking
OM & H are friends .........He is not your husband' friend. He is your husband's enemy.
I'm so confused...I don't know what to do??? ..........Your husband needs to have a talk with this pretend friend. The talk needs to be upfront and personal. This should solve your problem with OM. The only downside is if you haven't been upfront with h.
Your name in this message board is looking to find myself, The best advise I can give you is to do that take a short trip it can be just for a weekend and just think about what is truely important to you in life. I know its hard ending something but some times it has to be done, and if you are going to work things out with your husband you cant ever see this man even if your husband is around because those feelings pop right back up.
Natalia
Jazzdiva
Probably do need therapy. H is great. His ONLY fault is that he tends to smother me at times. He wants us to be together 24/7. I have issues I know...and I certainly am not a victim. I agree, I need to get off the pot and do something. NC is the way I must go. I appreciate everyone's opinion.
I may look into therapy, this is not the first decent man I've cheated on. : (
Again,
Thanks to all!!!