emotional stages of NC?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
emotional stages of NC?
10
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 10:08pm

Hi guys,
this is a question for some of the more established EASers, although i'd love to hear what everybody thinks. are there stages we go through during the NC process? meaning, does it get easier, and if so, when?

i guess this is a difficult question bc the healing process is really individual, and in some way i'm looking for some kind of rubric, like "weeks 1-3, heavy pain, weeks 4-8, medium pain, weeks 8-12, little pain, memories begin fading", etc. obviously there is no rubric, but i'd like to hear some success stories. how was the process for you--was it harder the first few weeks and then it got easier?

what i find is, the more time passes that we dont talk, the more i miss him (duh). but i guess specifically what i mean is, i start recalling all the good things about him, and the bad things start fading away. when he's pestering me, its easy for me to say "oh, he's selfish, he's not respecting the lines i drew, etc etc", but when he's leaving me be, i start fondly recalling our fun times together. i try to counteract those thoughts by saying, "hey, remember how paranoid and tormented you were all the time?" but its so exhausting to be constantly playing therapist to yourself!

i see some posters on here with months and months of NC, and i'm wondering when in starts getting easier. do you find there's a point, like 3 months, where you just think of him less and less, you miss him less, and moving on feels more natural?

thanks as always :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:14pm

Hi E82,


I'm coming up the end of 8 weeks of LC/NC (I work with xAP).

Babysteps


...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.


NC/LC since May 21, 2010

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:07am
Hi Exist. I can say there is no "one size fits all" on that one. When my A ended, it took a few weeks for the hurt to really go away. The NC had truly helped. I had always felt sorry for the ones who worked with their AP. I just thought of the good times as a big lie and that helped me move on too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 7:13am
As you said yourself, everyone is different. I struggled with N/C for years which kept xAP in my heart way too long. He is a family friend so I do have to see him. Back in April I decided to go N/C. I could no longer stand what we were doing. We had been out of the affair for a year and a half at that point but were "friends"..haha. Anyway, I found that after week 3 I was really ok. I still thought of him ( I still do ) but the urge to contact him was really waning. But....I made a huge mistake at 80+ days and contacted him telling him I could not take the tension between us when we had to be around one another. That did break the tension but also hurt my heart. He was still the same narcassist I tried to dump out of my life 2 months prior. So now I am back to counting N/C days and will try to stick to it this time. Day 11 today and I already feel better. I will not contact him and this time thoughts of him come and go. I have also come to terms that he was a part of my life and I am not going to be able to wipe him out of my mind. As long as I don't obsess and get on with my real life I can handle some thoughts every now and then....good luck.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 8:03am

Thank you guys for your feedback, its been really helpful. babysteps,l thank you so much for taking the time to walk me through your healing process, i think you made a lot of good points.

i think who ends the A is a big factor; since i ended the A, on an intellectual level, there is never a doubt in my mind that i did the right thing. on an emotional level, i miss having him in my life, he was a friend, and now there is no chance of friendship, and that really saddens me.

i think i will have to write down for myself why i've chosen to do this, and engage in some consequential thinking exercises "what will happen if i DO contact him?" and my experience gives me all the info i need: we'll have a brief, friendly exchange, and then within 48 hrs, he'll send me a sexy pic/proposition me/make some reference/engage in flirtation. i give him an inch, he tries to take 10 feet.

so the motto is, remember the pain. never wanting to feel that pain again is a big motivator.

i think that the first month is the hardest, but once life gets into a groove with the A, it just starts to fade and feel like a thing of the past. so, i'm going to work really hard on staying focused right now, and hoping that as time goes on, the process gets easier. as it gets easier, i expect i might try to test myself, like an addict "i've been sober for months, a drink wont hurt me now!". so in those moments, i will LIVE on EAS :)

thanks as always. you guys are amazing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 9:16am

Hi-


At almost a year out, I can tell you that I have no urge at all to break NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 6:05pm

It would be so nice if it could all be broken down into a rubric. Unfortunately, we don't work that way. What I will tell you is that at almost 6 months, the minute-by-minute struggle to survive has subsided. And the urge to email him faded away right after 90 days for me. As you start to reengage in your real life and address your issues, things will get better. The first 90 days were torture- with violent ups and downs... these second 90 days have certainly flown by. It must be those wings I was given when I reached Tweenerville. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 11:52pm
Jane- I don't think I have ever said this to you personally on a post, but your post are always dead on, and you are doing AWESOME! Though I am numerically further along, sometimes your posts show me that I have much to learn from those who saw the 'error of their ways' much after me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 9:31am

That is so nice of you to say. Hugs to you today.


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 10:02am

jane-i too, find your input invaluable. i discovered your blog through this board and i've really enjoyed it. i think its incredibly brave of you to be so honest about your healing process, and i can really relate to a lot of what you discuss. you sound somewhat like me; well educated and achievement oriented, and positively shocked that you ever ended up in an A to begin with. Your H also sounds like an amazing man--i expect that years from now you, guys will look back on this time as incredibly painful, but truly a thing of the past.

i hope we can all get there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 6:25pm

Thank you for your kind words. I don't find my blog brave, but rather necessary. If I can help one person through this journey, it will have been worth it. And if one person contemplating an A reads it and decides against it, that would be ever better. Much love to you.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/