Empty...how to change gears

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Empty...how to change gears
31
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 11:43pm

I haven't been on this board before but have been a regular on another. I have had so much happen. Where to start??? Nutshell: MM and I were planning to leave our M's and be together. Neither of us, it turns out, are cut out to have an A...or at least, not with each other. This has never seemed like an A to either of us. We have fallen so deeply in love that we saw no other way. I separated from my H almost 4 months ago. I had some issues in the M and some things happened that made the timing right to do that. He, on the other hand, was taking longer.

But...ironic, no matter how much anyone tells you there will be a "but" you are still shocked when it hits... He has been struggling with guilt and obligation. It has finally come down to the wire...we are suffering physically and mentally and could not put off making a change. His blood pressure, which he takes meds for, has been literally through the roof. I have been loosing weight...close to a pound a week.

Last Saturday we were able to spend the entire day together. We discussed that he was at a point that he needed to decide whether he was capable of walking away. It is hard to explain without going into deep detail, but he and his W had a very emotionally drainign experience in high school. I am the only person in the world that knows about what happened other than them. MM also won a bout with a severe illness in their early years. Those things combined with his terror over what a divorce might do to his kids has had him in knots. But he also has not seen a way to live without us. And neither of us are able to live with one person and try to make them think all is ok while loving another. Neither of us has been intimate with our spouses for over 7 months.

Sunday his W's mom, who has had cancer, went severely down hill and entered the hospital. W has been out of state at the hospital with her mom since Sunday. He has been a wreck. His W is distraught and he told me that he feels like he needs to be her "protector" through this. While I understand and agree it still was a knife through the heart. I told him there was no way he could do anything other than support her and get her through this. But he seemed to think he had to make a decision this week about us as well.

I saw this coming. I felt it in my bones. He has decided he doesn't have it in him to walk away. He is distraught and wants to have me in his life somehow and in some other capacity that neither he nor I know what could be. He asked me to spend the night with him tonight so that he could just hold me, and we would spend the day tomorrow talking. He called me about 10 minutes before I was to leave to drive to his town and said that his W called and her mom passed away. Of course there is no way I am going down tonight. His daughter is pretty upset and he will be spending most of the night sitting with her.

I am sick...my mind is reeling and I am in shock and I can't function. I have a ton of things I have to get done at work and I can't function.

I am at a loss for what to do. I am separated and don't know that the M can be saved. To be honest, I don't know that I want to save it. But I wonder if I shouldn't just crawl back into the shell of my former self and let H come home and pretend so that my kids are happy. Or divorce and hope to meet a different soulmate.

I guess I felt I needed to "talk" about this. I feel that I am mourning a death and no one can know. I mourn in silence. I am scared to death of how empty and lifeless I feel. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. He still wants me to come spend the day with him tomorrow. Part of me thinks that would be unhealthy and a very bad idea. But I also see him hurting and trying to be strong for everyone else and he needs my shoulder. I think he would be devastated if I didn't come over. But it seems so impossible.

I have to figure out what to do with my life now that it has changed directions so abruptly. I think deep in my heart I always knew we wouldn't get this chance...I wish I had just walked away when I knew I could. But then again, I was able to experience the most intense and wonderful love...love like I never knew existed. I guess I am one of the lucky people in the world. Not many people can truly say the met their soulmate and had a chance to love like that. But with that goes hurting like many people will never have to.

Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:28am

Hey there, Sad. Of course I remember you...I'm so glad to hear from you again.

About the poetry...that is exactly right. His exact words were "I'm afraid if you give this to me you will just give up." I told him to keep it and that I hadn't given up on anything but was just trying to do what he asked of me. I know what he wants...he has said it himself...he thinks he needs to do this to prove he gave it his all, but is hoping deep down that it won't work and we can be together. Now, in my mind doesn't that already mean that it isn't working? A part of me really does understand what he is saying and trying to do. He feels guilty about walking away from a M that wasn't all that bad, at least so he thought. Obviously there was a reason he and I fell in love and only he can answer that for himself. He also feels like he owes it to me, if we DO end up together, to not be looking over his shoulder wondering if he made the right decision. It is all such a mess.

Leaving there Friday was heart wrenching. Pure h*ll. Like I posted, he wanted us to remain in contact and "support" each other. He called me Saturday afternoon to see how I was doing. Of course my answer was "awful." His too. I had a melt down later that evening and tried to call him but got his VM. Didn't leave a message but he saw that I called. MM called me back when he saw my # on the caller ID.

Ok, time for the tongue lashing. NRE pretty much said it straight up but I didn't want to listen. And you did too, only I just now read your post. Guess I was still hoping for a miracle. He asked me to come spend the night last night. I was so lonely for him, and I guess part of me wanted to make sure he never forgot what he was walking away from. So, at 9:00 p.m. I hopped in my car and drove 100 miles to be with him. He snuck me in and I stayed the night. We held each other, which led to other things, of course.
All night long he kept telling me how right it felt to have me there w/ him, how perfectly I fit in his arms, how beautiful and wonderful I am, etc. This morning we were talking about his house and he said to me "would you come here and live with me." Just like all of the other times he has said that is what he wants. Like the 15 voice messages I have saved of him asking me to be patient for him, that he wants to be married, that he wants to spend holidays together with "our" family. That he can't live without me.

Am I confused? YES!!! It was almost as if he changed his mind, but I know he didn't. When he called me this afternoon his W called on the other line and was only 10 minutes out of town. All the relatives are decending for the funeral. And she is home now, and will sleep in the bed exactly where I was last night. It doesn't matter that they won't have sex...just the fact that she is home is killing me.

I hate sitting here wondering what is happening there. If he is second guessing himself. I asked him if he had a timeline as to how long he was going to work on things. He said no, that he will know it when he knows it. That it will be readily apparant at some point. Yet he is telling me that he loves me more than life and that will never change. If that is the case, isn't that your answer?

Oh Sad, I am a mess, aren't I? And to think that not long ago I was talking about realizing that I should walk away until he is able to back words with action. But I just didn't. I don't believe for a minute he is stringing me along or playing games. I just think the guilt and obligation have him convinced he can't just do what I did. Leave.

Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:51am

hi billie,

i have included u in my prayers and prayed that u will find all the strength to do what your heart and mind wants to do

i have no answers, i can tell u realy care for this man, but i am not sure if he realy cares for u, words can be spoken when it is needed but actions speaks louder than words

take care of yourself, u have to be strong, dont forget to eat so u wont get sick

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:03am

~Unhappy_Sad~

I am so very proud of you. You have come such a long way in the last few months and it's women like you, those that stand up for themselves and cut loose the baggage that holds them down, that keeps me coming back to this board. I'm not here much anymore because there are very few success stories.

The power is within us. Telling yourself that you *refuse* to put up with the tossed crumbs and the *Maybes* or "Hang on, I need more time* is the first step to regaining self respect, and after getting that back it all falls into place. Of course we mourn for what was lost, but was the AP really ours to begin with? No, we inserted ourselves right in the middle or their marriage/relationship and expected to be #1? PPUUULLLEEEAASEEEE....

Anyway, enough of my ranting. I just wanted to give you a big (((HUG))) and wish you all the best.

**Id**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 2:40pm

Thanks Max. One day at a time, right?
And I managed to eat McDonald's for breakfast today. Progress. :-)

I do really care for him...that is what makes this SO hard. This wasn't just an A. I realize what ID said is very true...we inserted ourselves into each other's lives and marriages and what gave us the right to think it would turn out any differently. But we did and now it is hard to go back. But people break up and leave each other every day. I don't know what makes me think I am any different or special. But it is a bit more complicated than when single people up and walk away. This involves either putting back together two families (or at least one...I left mine. He didn't. Much easier for him to go back to the routine. I sense I am becoming a little angry about this) or getting a D and dismantling a lot of years.

:::Sigh:::
I guess I am making progress although it really doesn't feel/seem like it.
Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 3:00pm

hi billie,

yes , one day at a time, if u read the new post, NC is the way to go

good u are eating, i been stuck at home all day today, i will go out after lunch and buy some food at the grocery store, iven that chore seems to big for me right now

anger is good, i know we will have relapses but i think in time the pain will be lesser and lesser until we can move on, i hope in time i will feel the pain will go away, i know it will and like MO said, it will be easier in the end, we wont think of them anymore and even if we do , we dont obsess or think what they are doing or we can actually not be bothered by it

i cant wait for that time

your MM will go back to his M or he will find another OW to have an affair W, but u know if u go back to MM u will never be happy, same as me, i want to be with OW but i know she cant be with me so thats it

i realy have no clue what i will do right now, i just want to live, work and sleep, small goals

hope u are having a much better day today, i will be here in the afternoon if u want to talk, post here so u wont get bored

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 5:14pm

I am slowly...repeat SLOWLY...coming to realization (or making myself come to it) that he ended it. No matter that he says he didn't want to, that he doesn't know if he can do it, etc. He told me he can't walk away without doing this.

Which means he isn't walking away. It doesn't matter that he spent one full day and one full night with me telling me I am the love of his life. Telling me that he will die loving me. That he needs me. That he wants me to live with him. That he and I fit perfectly. That when he is with me all his cares and concerns seem to melt away.

Enough of that. I have been so scared that if I "accept" his ending this then I will be forever closing the door on us. But he did that. I can't live in the hope that in two weeks or a month or a day he will wake up and realize that he can't stay in his M. Ultimately, he will stay, because he can't face everyone who would think he is crazy for leaving, can't face the mountains he would have to surmount, because he isn't me and therefore won't do like I did.

I sit here in dread knowing that I have to assume he is out of the picture and act accordingly. I can't even have the thought that "if it is meant to be it will work out." Because if I have that thought I will be waiting. Waiting for him. Giving in to be his bandaid when he is hurting and missing me. If I do that then it effectively prevents either of us from closure and moving on.

I will repeat this to myself...He Chose to End It. Act Accordingly.
Oh, how it hurts to say that but I see no other alternative.
Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:05pm

Dear BB:

My xMM said all of those things to me. All of them. It was exactly the same. But it is 16 months after the A ended and he never DID ANYTHING FOR ME EVER, EVER, EVER. And all the days I cried for him he never came NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. When I see him now, the 'FEELINGS' are exactly the same. But I took action. Was exactly like you, couldn't pretend. I could write your story and I still believe he was my soulmate BUT

I did let it go. Had no choice. And neither do you. No contact. Do it. It is about surviving it now. Not about him. You can survive it. I did.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:10pm

BB:

I wanted to comment on another thing you said. I know he is struggling because his heart is solely with me.

I promise you my xMM heart is SOLELY WITH ME. He does not love his W AT ALL. CAN'T STAND HER REALLY. ONLY LOVES ME. I HAVE HIS WHOLE ENTIRE HEART FOR SURE.

DOESN'T MATTER. He still never left.

You deserve a real R not crumbs from a MM. It is wrong to be with a MM who isn't going to leave. STOP IT. NOT CHOOSING IS A CHOICE.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:14pm

billie,

its a start, we have to start somewhere, i too am realizing that she made a choice and she can not be with me, OW wrote me an email yesterday saying she is sorry, sorry for leading me on, sorry she has to follow her mind and not her heart,OW exact words

she told me she think of me everyday but she could not leave her present situation because of her daughter, that said, i have not more recourse but to accept what she wants, i wont even try bargaining with her, the more i bargain the more i get hurt, it she decides to be with me in the future then she will find me, its what i am thinking, but now i have to get myself up, i been miserable already for the longest time

i wish i can do what i say, but small steps is a start, we have to start

i wish u all the strength and the courage to stay with your convictions, we all need it

take care,
max

one day at a time billie, u can make it, i know its hard, im single too just like u and its a bit hard to be alone and literally by ourselves but it will get better

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:34pm

bb,

i lurk here but have never posted before, you know me from my affair support. i just wanted to say hi and thank you for sharing your thoughts here. i want to keep this thread in case my MM doesn't end up with me. Your difficulties have helped others if that helps you at all. Best of luck,
jen