Empty...how to change gears

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Empty...how to change gears
31
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 11:43pm

I haven't been on this board before but have been a regular on another. I have had so much happen. Where to start??? Nutshell: MM and I were planning to leave our M's and be together. Neither of us, it turns out, are cut out to have an A...or at least, not with each other. This has never seemed like an A to either of us. We have fallen so deeply in love that we saw no other way. I separated from my H almost 4 months ago. I had some issues in the M and some things happened that made the timing right to do that. He, on the other hand, was taking longer.

But...ironic, no matter how much anyone tells you there will be a "but" you are still shocked when it hits... He has been struggling with guilt and obligation. It has finally come down to the wire...we are suffering physically and mentally and could not put off making a change. His blood pressure, which he takes meds for, has been literally through the roof. I have been loosing weight...close to a pound a week.

Last Saturday we were able to spend the entire day together. We discussed that he was at a point that he needed to decide whether he was capable of walking away. It is hard to explain without going into deep detail, but he and his W had a very emotionally drainign experience in high school. I am the only person in the world that knows about what happened other than them. MM also won a bout with a severe illness in their early years. Those things combined with his terror over what a divorce might do to his kids has had him in knots. But he also has not seen a way to live without us. And neither of us are able to live with one person and try to make them think all is ok while loving another. Neither of us has been intimate with our spouses for over 7 months.

Sunday his W's mom, who has had cancer, went severely down hill and entered the hospital. W has been out of state at the hospital with her mom since Sunday. He has been a wreck. His W is distraught and he told me that he feels like he needs to be her "protector" through this. While I understand and agree it still was a knife through the heart. I told him there was no way he could do anything other than support her and get her through this. But he seemed to think he had to make a decision this week about us as well.

I saw this coming. I felt it in my bones. He has decided he doesn't have it in him to walk away. He is distraught and wants to have me in his life somehow and in some other capacity that neither he nor I know what could be. He asked me to spend the night with him tonight so that he could just hold me, and we would spend the day tomorrow talking. He called me about 10 minutes before I was to leave to drive to his town and said that his W called and her mom passed away. Of course there is no way I am going down tonight. His daughter is pretty upset and he will be spending most of the night sitting with her.

I am sick...my mind is reeling and I am in shock and I can't function. I have a ton of things I have to get done at work and I can't function.

I am at a loss for what to do. I am separated and don't know that the M can be saved. To be honest, I don't know that I want to save it. But I wonder if I shouldn't just crawl back into the shell of my former self and let H come home and pretend so that my kids are happy. Or divorce and hope to meet a different soulmate.

I guess I felt I needed to "talk" about this. I feel that I am mourning a death and no one can know. I mourn in silence. I am scared to death of how empty and lifeless I feel. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. He still wants me to come spend the day with him tomorrow. Part of me thinks that would be unhealthy and a very bad idea. But I also see him hurting and trying to be strong for everyone else and he needs my shoulder. I think he would be devastated if I didn't come over. But it seems so impossible.

I have to figure out what to do with my life now that it has changed directions so abruptly. I think deep in my heart I always knew we wouldn't get this chance...I wish I had just walked away when I knew I could. But then again, I was able to experience the most intense and wonderful love...love like I never knew existed. I guess I am one of the lucky people in the world. Not many people can truly say the met their soulmate and had a chance to love like that. But with that goes hurting like many people will never have to.

Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:35pm

lol, same as what OW told me, she said her heart is with me but her mind tell her she has to stay and not be with me

oh well, thats life, lets roll

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:08pm

Oh BB, I could write your story too. It is all so similiar to mine. I was in that exact spot a few months ago. It was weird though, everything was going good (as good as it can in an A), then all of a sudden he started pulling away again and that was enough for me. He started pulling away to keep his W off his back. I had had enough of the roller coaster ride. I know I have his heart fully just like you and Survive said. I know he loves me. He told me the same sorts of things yours did. But reality is, he is still there. He can say anything he wants, he can say he loves me with all his heart, but it is not me lying next to him in bed every night now is it? Over several months I started to wake up. Every time he wasn't there for me, every time I was disappointed by him, every time I just got little crumbs here and there, it drove reality home to me. I am so very much in love with him, so much so, that I can't believe that I actually got the courage to walk away and leave him alone. But now that is has been several months, it was the best thing I could have done. I know now that I will never go back to the A. It took me awhile but I finally woke up and realized that I need so much more than this and it has gone on way too long. If I can do it, I know you can too.

Your MM sounds just like mine. He says he doesn't love his W anymore. He told me that he wanted to be with me. He said he couldn't walk away until he felt that he gave it a shot for his kid's sake. He told me he couldn't put a timeline on it. He never stopped leaving me alone completely though. Which means he never put his all into making an effort with his W. I think he is hoping it doesn't work out either, he was pretty much just giving me as little as he could to make me happy, and doing the same at home, never really coming to any conclusions.

I know you love this man with all your heart and it is very hard to walk away. I promise you that you will not regret it. You gain so much of your self respect back once you start refusing the crumbs. You will feel more like "you" again. The pain will go away. I cried so much over the crumbs and was so depressed when he couldn't be there for me. I haven't cried once since I ended it. I really think that you will find your answers and he will find his if you practice NC. If you need to, start small. Don't see him in person. Then gradually stop talking so much. If you can't do it cold turkey. But you have to see that you are still enabling his marriage by being there for him. Don't you feel aweful everytime you see him and give yourself to him and then the next night he is sleeping next to his W even though he claims undying love for you? It's time to say NO. It's time to get your self repect back. It's time to take control of your life. He is still fence sitting. So is mine. They are both immobolized in fear, so much so that they can't make a decision. Where does that leave us???? Giving and giving and giving and getting very little in return. We are nobody's doormat.

You made the decision to leave your H. At least to separate to clear your mind. You know how hard it is to come to that conclusion, but you did it. You took action. That took alot of courage. I did the same thing. I couldn't stand living a double life and I couldn't clear my head of the MM. I couldn't put forth all my effort so I left. It was hard but I did it. And so can they. We shouldn't have to beg them too though. If they love us as much as they say they do, it shouldn't be that hard of a decision should it?

Please Please Please try and distance yourself from him. Don't be his beck and call girl, don't be at his dispense everytime he needs you. He needs a dose of hard reality. He wants to try things at home, well damn it, let him. But show him that you aren't going to be around to enable him anymore. Show him that if he wants you as much as he says he does then he can have a real, true relationship with you above the boards. No more A. You will love yourself more once you make this decision and stick with it.

Big hugs to you girl. I know you can do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:17pm
Id,
Thank you so much! That was very nice to hear. I have been doing much better over the last few months. I know I came to this board trying to make the decision to end things. I think I already knew that I needed to, I jsut needed the support to do it. The people on here are very inspiring and have really helped me to face the hard reality of the A. It took me several months to finally face the truth. You're right, we inserted ourselves right in the middle of their bad relationship and expected to get 100% from them when they already had other obligations. I did get pretty darn close to that in the beginning, before his W found out and started making things miserable. Then reality sunk in for him too.
Anyway, thank you for saying such nice things. I really appreciate the support. I can't say that we have absolutely NC. But I have come a long way in the past several months. I used to see him every day almost and we would have alone time together. Now I haven't seen him alone in several months. We don't talk on the phone anymore. We used to do that every day. We email now maybe once a week, when we used to do it every day, all day long. So I can say that the A is over. Absolute NC isn't happening, but it is as close as it can get for now. I feel I have made alot of progress and it can only get better from here!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:34pm

Survive,

Thanks for the words of support. It is a harsh dose of reality, but you are right. I know he wasn't playing me, being a cake-eater, all of those things we would love to say about them. He really truly does love me and I do have his heart. But like you said, in the long run it doesn't matter. I am trying with all I have in me to make that choice.

How long have you been out of your A? What I am really trying to pound through my own head is that I not only have to choose to accept this decision of his, but that I absolutely cannot carry around the hope that he will "see the light" and come back to me.

How did you do that? The NC & the motions of moving on will be much easier than letting go of that secret hope. Does letting that go follow? This is what I am struggling with so badly now.

I am so inspired by the many stories you all have posted here. It really does show me that mine isn't the first situation like this, and won't be the last, but I can "survive" this and be better for surviving. I will keep reminding myself of this.

Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:54pm

Max...you may not know it but your words of encouragement really do mean a lot. I know you are struggling with your situation, too. I can see progress in your posts and it encourages me. Just keep it up, and we will keep encouraging each other.

Hey Jen. Yes, I know you from MAS and have followed your story as well. I know you have been in a very similar situation. I don't feel very helpful but if my situation helps anyone else I am thrilled. I guess that is what the boards are for...we can vent, cry and learn from each other. We just never know what tomorrow will bring, do we.

Sad,
I think our situations are just about parallel. The only difference is that his W has no idea. Well, let me qualify that...if she really wanted to see it she would know, but she doesn't. He told her back in October that he had "feelings" for me. She has never met or seen me but knows who I am and that he and I have a business connection. She knew there were problems...he has not been intimate with her since we got together. There is enough there for her to be suspicious. She has asked him several times if he and I were "involved" but he has denied anything other than having feelings. My H is the same. His little stunt of taking off with the kids (don't know if you remember that) was in part due to the fact that I told him I wasn't in love with him and in part because he suspected. He has only met MM once but was convinced we were having an A. Which I denied but was obviously on the mark.

I really don't want to enable him in his M, which is exactly what I know will happen if I let him try to continue the A in any form. I will try my hardest to limit our contact to that necessary for work (shouldn't be too often). If he calls just to talk I will try to be friendly and nothing more personal than that. It will be so hard, but I know deep inside that everyone here is right. I don't want crumbs and I really don't want to be in limbo with my separation any more. It is high time I figure out whether to work on the M (which H wants to do) or move forward with a D. I am having a really hard time picturing H and I together, but the kids add a dimension that I can't ignore. I ordered a book today called something like "How to Stay in an Unhappy Marriage for the Sake of the Kids." Pretty sad, but for me it felt like a start. A start both in moving on from MM and a start in deciding whether I can have a M with H or not. I feel like I am in for a long, uphill road. But I guess even uphill is forward progress, isn't it?

I just hope and pray you are right and that I can do it. When you are so in love with someone and have given your very heart and soul to them it seems so impossible. But I can do this. He has given me no choice. I listened to all of the saved VM's of his yesterday. It makes me so angry that he did this...after all of his pledges and promises and everything. I know he spoke from the heart, but he should have kept those sentiments to himself until he knew whether he would be able to follow through. That is what I did.

Anyhow, thank you all for your continuing support and insight. And I am grateful if my story is of benefit to anyone else.

Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:18am

billie,

im so sorry , u said u ordered that book, i tell u , a lot of women in life in general are more giving, u are thinking of compromising your happiness for other it u go back to your M for your kids, u may have your reasons, some people think it is wrong some people think it is the right thing to do, but whatever u decide, it will be your own decision and not be influence by others

my OW is making that choice, she is staying with the father of her daugther ( even if the are not married) they live in the same house, she told me in her email that he(the father of her daugther) is a good father to her daghter and that is what is important to her right now , her words exactly, it breaks my heart to hear her say it to me but it is her choice, she may be happy with it or not but i cant think of it anymore or ill go crazy

so u have to make that choice too, i know its hard , u are separated and u need to think of your options now, dont rush, let all the dust settle so u can see clearly

take care billie, tomorrow is another day, when u treat yourself, think with your mind, when u treat others, think with your heart, so now its time to think with your mind, be rational and logical about it

love on the other hand is irrational and illogical but still we need it

max

im very irrational and illogical right now, we all need to get away from this dark side

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 1:10pm

Hi Billie,

There is no easy way to end the contact,you just find the strength. It sounds like there is love between the two of you but the timming is just absolutely mortifying for both. Give yourself the time to heal and also him, it sounds like he has alot on his shoulders to. You need to figure out if your marriage is worth going back to and also if the affair is worth staying in. Your OM has already told you he wont leave, your cue needs to be to focus on being alone and gathering your thoughts so you can move on and be happy with whom ever it is you decide to stay with. There is no easy way to walk away and the guilt of leaving him behind with his problems maybe overwhelming but remember you need to care for number one and that my dear is you.

Good Luck and take care of yourself
Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 1:51pm

Dear US:

I totally agree with what you said. I hope that BB takes your advice. I am so proud of you.

I have to tell you that you will get your reward like I did. I wanted xMM so much, loved him so much that I didn't want to live without him. But he gave me NOTHING. And slowly I started letting go and grieving and healing and gaining back my self respect and doing EVERYTHING on my own (because he was never there) and staying celibate FOR ME not for him. And now I have this incredible guy WHO IS GOING TO MARRY ME. He loves me so much, wraps his whole life up into mine, makes me feel safe and cared for, is totally 100% all mine and there for me sharing every part of my life with me.

I finally got xMM out of my head because of this man. How could I not fall in love with someone who wants to be with me and share my life every day and is totally in love with me and wants to be my Husband. He knows all about my A and he loves me anyway. He is incredible. IT IS REAL.

I promise you that is will happen for you too. When I think of xMM now I just think what a coward, how stupid he was to let me go because all of my love could have been his but he was too scared. I will have a wonderful life without him though. And I never want to be unfaithful to my new man. I can never do that again. It is over forever.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 2:07pm

Dear BB:

You see he is a "cake eater" just like mine was. Totally in love with us but unwilling to make a decision, afraid. he is lying to himself in many ways. I will tell you that my A became over 16 months ago, when I moved out of my house and he backed out of moving out of his house. He and I had also looked at wedding rings, he had leased an apartment, purchased furniture, he had a complete divorce proposal to his W who had taken it to several attorneys in town. But in the end he backed out and broke up with me via Fax. My true love. Since then he continued to contact me again and again but he would also back off for long periods while he tried to do the 'right thing'

Everytime we got together and everytime we were separated I held out hope that he would change his mind and come to me because I could NEVER have left him. But some how, he was able to leave me. Every time we saw each other I would not have sex with him--except once--so the A was OVER (he wanted to keep getting his cake) he kept saying he needed more time, I had gone too fast, etc etc.

Even the last time he saw me he told me he had a dream that we were married and that he knew we would be some day and that there was nothing he wanted more than to be my husband and the only time he is happy is when he is with me. and I told him all about the new guy I was seeing---and it cut him like a knife--but he still let me go. He could not conquer his fears--he was not me. If we were supposed to be together it wouldn't have been this hard.

I will say that holding out the hope is the very last thing to go. For me, I held on to it for the longest time. But when I told this new man that I love him, I let the hope go forever. I am still sad about that it couldn't be--but I did everything I could do and I don't regret following my heart and I am so glad that I ended the A.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. But some day you will see how unattractive his indecisiveness is and how you are getting nothing from him. You will want more for yourself and you will believe that you can be happy without him.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 12:00am

It is funny...I always used to think that people who went into a "tailspin" after a breakup were being melodramatic. My theory was that there were many more people out there with all the great qualities to be loved. That no one was worthy of another person's curling up into a ball of despair.

But then I actually, truly fell heart and soul in love. Oh, I loved my H when we married, but not like this. I didn't know something like this was even possible. I was young and my philosophy was that we got along well, we had been dating, I was graduating from college, all my friends were getting married...it seemed like the next logical progression.

I know what you meant when you said you thought he would never leave you because you could NEVER leave him. I feel that exactly. Leaves you sort of in shell shock.

MM called while I was in a staff meeting today & left a voice message. Told me he was thinking about me, missed me, and loves me. He said W and everyone were gone and to give him a call if I got a chance. Dumb me. I called, mostly to see how he was doing (the funeral was today). We chatted about the funeral, what time it was, when everyone was leaving, etc. He kept asking how I was doing. I kept skirting the question and making small talk. He called me on it and said he really wanted to know and said I didn't sound like myself. Well, DUH. How does he think I am doing? So I told him. I said I wasn't fine and was still trying to come to grips with this. So we spent about 45 minutes on the phone...him digging for my true feelings and thoughts and me vascilating between telling him how I feel and apologizing for being so gloomy on the funeral day and him apologizing for making me feel so bad. Ugh.

He has not asked me to remain involved in an A, but like I posted before, he wants us to remain connected in some way or other.

My goal is still to try to let go of that secret hope that he will change his mind. Enough of you have experienced this over and over, and obviously changing their minds doesn't last. Survive...you said your MM even went so far as to file and then backed out. That must have been ten times worse than my situation where he never even made it that far.

I am inspired by all of you who experienced, survived and grew from the same thing I am experiencing now. And what inspires me most is that you all seem to have dealt with the stages of grief or whatever this is and made it out the other side. With your help and my own common sense I am trying to make it to the other side with you all.

Thanks again for your continued feedback!
Billie