Empty...how to change gears

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Empty...how to change gears
31
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 11:43pm

I haven't been on this board before but have been a regular on another. I have had so much happen. Where to start??? Nutshell: MM and I were planning to leave our M's and be together. Neither of us, it turns out, are cut out to have an A...or at least, not with each other. This has never seemed like an A to either of us. We have fallen so deeply in love that we saw no other way. I separated from my H almost 4 months ago. I had some issues in the M and some things happened that made the timing right to do that. He, on the other hand, was taking longer.

But...ironic, no matter how much anyone tells you there will be a "but" you are still shocked when it hits... He has been struggling with guilt and obligation. It has finally come down to the wire...we are suffering physically and mentally and could not put off making a change. His blood pressure, which he takes meds for, has been literally through the roof. I have been loosing weight...close to a pound a week.

Last Saturday we were able to spend the entire day together. We discussed that he was at a point that he needed to decide whether he was capable of walking away. It is hard to explain without going into deep detail, but he and his W had a very emotionally drainign experience in high school. I am the only person in the world that knows about what happened other than them. MM also won a bout with a severe illness in their early years. Those things combined with his terror over what a divorce might do to his kids has had him in knots. But he also has not seen a way to live without us. And neither of us are able to live with one person and try to make them think all is ok while loving another. Neither of us has been intimate with our spouses for over 7 months.

Sunday his W's mom, who has had cancer, went severely down hill and entered the hospital. W has been out of state at the hospital with her mom since Sunday. He has been a wreck. His W is distraught and he told me that he feels like he needs to be her "protector" through this. While I understand and agree it still was a knife through the heart. I told him there was no way he could do anything other than support her and get her through this. But he seemed to think he had to make a decision this week about us as well.

I saw this coming. I felt it in my bones. He has decided he doesn't have it in him to walk away. He is distraught and wants to have me in his life somehow and in some other capacity that neither he nor I know what could be. He asked me to spend the night with him tonight so that he could just hold me, and we would spend the day tomorrow talking. He called me about 10 minutes before I was to leave to drive to his town and said that his W called and her mom passed away. Of course there is no way I am going down tonight. His daughter is pretty upset and he will be spending most of the night sitting with her.

I am sick...my mind is reeling and I am in shock and I can't function. I have a ton of things I have to get done at work and I can't function.

I am at a loss for what to do. I am separated and don't know that the M can be saved. To be honest, I don't know that I want to save it. But I wonder if I shouldn't just crawl back into the shell of my former self and let H come home and pretend so that my kids are happy. Or divorce and hope to meet a different soulmate.

I guess I felt I needed to "talk" about this. I feel that I am mourning a death and no one can know. I mourn in silence. I am scared to death of how empty and lifeless I feel. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. He still wants me to come spend the day with him tomorrow. Part of me thinks that would be unhealthy and a very bad idea. But I also see him hurting and trying to be strong for everyone else and he needs my shoulder. I think he would be devastated if I didn't come over. But it seems so impossible.

I have to figure out what to do with my life now that it has changed directions so abruptly. I think deep in my heart I always knew we wouldn't get this chance...I wish I had just walked away when I knew I could. But then again, I was able to experience the most intense and wonderful love...love like I never knew existed. I guess I am one of the lucky people in the world. Not many people can truly say the met their soulmate and had a chance to love like that. But with that goes hurting like many people will never have to.

Billie

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 12:38am

hi billie,

i got no words of wisdom but i just wanna make sure u dotn forget to eat , dont get sick pls

ice cream is the best !!!!!

take care, we will get there, i know u will get there, u can do this !!!!!

max
having one setback after another

Pages