The End of the Affair
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| Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:46pm |
I just don't have any strength left in me.
MM and I have been involved for 14 months now, and it's time for it to come to an end.
He truly believes that we could just remove the intimate part and remain friends. If only it were that easy. I know deep down in my heart that it's just not possible to remain friends after something like this.
We decided to end it late last week, but he's been calling and emailing me every day since. Telling me he loves me, etc. And it hurts. God, it hurts.
Today just about pushed me over the edge. A few weeks ago, we were talking about doing all kinds of stuff with each other this summer. So he asks me this morning "Are we still going to the beach this summer?"
Are you kidding me? This has got to be a joke. I know that he just can't let go either. We can fool ourselves all we want into thinking that we can just be friends, but I know we can't. So, in response, I told him... "sure, you just let your wife know that you're taking your friend to the beach and I'll give my husband a heads up too."
He really didn't know what to say to that so all he said was "if you don't want to go then tell me."
I won't waste anyone's time with analogies, because I know we've all heard this a million times before.
I need to begin NC. but I just don't have enough faith in myself to even try.
But it hurts so much, and I know that this is the only way to stop the pain. Time, and NC.
I ask myself, how can I possibly face the idea of never talking to him again? But then I step back and look at all the pain that this has caused.
We're emailing each other back and forth even as I type this up, but I know what I must do. I have to tell him. This ride has to come to a stop, because it is tearing me apart.

Tried it and it really doesn't work very well, especially at first. We mutually ended our A 6 months ago and I can honestly say that it took a good 5 months to stop going through the huge range of emotions. I am so happy in my life right now that it almost seems like it was so long ago and it's even hard to remember specifics. I guess some would call this denial, I call it coping and moving on.
XMM and I are friendly to each other but that's about it. It's too hard to go back once you have crossed the line.
The first week or 2 are the hardest. Instead of emailing xmm, I would post here or even just read and re-read. So much that is out here may no be specifically adressed to you, but it could be.
I once had Nykatja tell me on this board, "Now you are in the drivers seat, don't ever give that up" Those words were like a crutch that held me up for a long time. Whenever I felt weak I went back and read those words. It was the encouragement that I needed so many times.
Good luck, NC is the way.
I just told him over email, not more than a half hour ago. he asked
if that pretty much meant that we couldn't talk anymore... I just told him that I needed
time right now. he said he understands & respects my decision, even if he doesn't like it. and that he already misses me.
I couldn't even respond to that. If I did, we would be right back where we started. It has to stop somewhere. So, there's no final "I love you" or a kiss goodbye, or any of that fairytale stuff. This is real life and I need to start thinking in terms of real life. I've been caught up in a fairytale for over a year now and I need to start thinking clearly again.
I love the "driver's seat" wisdom... I'm going to keep that with me and repeat it during rough times.
and so NC begins.... I guess it's like detox, huh?
How do you break an addiction to a person?
I've seen a couple books on amazon.com about break up situations, how to move on, etc... does anyone have any suggestions? I'm desperately seeking comfort, common sense, words of wisdom, etc....
Thanks,
Complicated
It is just like detox, I'm imagining anyway. It's so much easier to be the "outsider" telling people what to do. I had to limp into NC and take baby steps to finally achieve what works for me, nothing like dragging it out forever. XMM and I are coworkers, neighbors and one of his relatives is my best friend. Complete NC is not possible. (What was I thinking????)
My story is spelled out on this board starting in Sept '03.
Good luck, you can do it.
Don't know how much comfort I can offer, but have some experience that may help.
The pros say that the addiction is not to the person but to how being with that person made you feel about yourself, you need to understand what those feelings are and find a healthy way to satisfy them, I don't know about you and your husband "BUT" if things are not to bad maybe stokeing up that relationship may help.
I suggest blocking XMM e-mails or closeing any accounts he knows about, dropping him from any buddy lists ETC...
Keep busy, go to the gym take up guitar anything that will occupy your time and mind.
It will be hard at first for most it seems the first 3-4 weeks is the worse but starts to get better after that.
GOOD LUCK AND BE STRONG