End the affair/keep a friendship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2004
End the affair/keep a friendship?
26
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 8:41pm
I would like to know if anyone thinks its possible to stop any sexual involvement with a person and eventually return to just being friends. The "affair" has been over for only a few weeks. We both agreed it had to stop. We are both middle aged, I am married and he is long been divorced and also a recovering Alcoholic. Honesty is a big part of their program. He wasn't being honest with himself or his family (children from a previous marraige). Of course as a married woman I wasn't respecting my marraige vows and was feeling like a terrrible person to have let this go so far. This was a very serious relationship with Love being a big part of it. It started 2 years ago as a friendship and as a just a couple of months ago turned sexual. Long story short we agreed to end it but have both agreed to try to go back to being good friends. We can't imagine life without atleast being able to remain friends,

Is that even possible?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 10:07pm
in short, no. i wish you the best and hope you can be the exception. if you want to know why, read my posts. i've tried being friends and it hasn't work for me. only brought more heartache.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 11:27pm

I have to agree with Clarice. It is virtually impossible to keep the friendship. It

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 8:53am
I have to agree with Clarice & Chris, too... Tried the friend thing a few times in 5 year affair; eventually it all leads back to the A. I've analogized it this way -- the Affair is like an addiction, and just like a drug addict can't go from being an addict to being a casual user, it is virtually impossible to go from being in love to being just friends. It is a painful thing to have to accept about ending an affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 9:50am
I agree with everyone else. When my A ended I thought/wanted to be friends with XMM but his W said that all contact had to end. He was my best friend and losing him as a friend hurt alot but looking at it now it NC really is the best thing. Very very hard though. Without NC the A would have kept happening. We tried to be friends once but he tried starting it again and then I tried starting it again and well it started again.

If you truly want to be honest about your M and he wants honesty as a part of his addiction recovery you will end your friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:02am

YES, it IS possible.


You both have to CHOOSE friendship over continued sex with one another as the basis of your continued contact.


While the other women who've posted have found it impossible to continue friendships because their male OM's continued to think with their little head instead of valuing the friendship available, there are men (like me) who don't always need their little head to control their entire life.


Since your xOM is a recovering alcoholic and intent on living honestly, I think you have a good chance at establishing a friendship without continued sex. If both of you want and value each other's company as friends, the removal of sex from the equation as a condition of continued friendship may be just the stimulus you need to explore what it's like to value the person rather than the sizzle........


I have managed to maintain friendships for several years with several former OW's. I agree it's rare, however, just the fact the friendships exist refutes those who've posted "never"........


Good luck,


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:28pm
Keep in mind, though, that NRE ended up leaving his wife and marrying his last OW... If your feelings for the OM are as strong as NRE's were for his last OW -- could you just be friends?

If you can you're a stronger person than I am!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:59pm
The exOM and I just spoke (on the phone) today. I was beginning to believe there was no hope until I got your response. Thank you. He called today to let me know about his grandchild going in for surgery. It was so nice to be thought of as a caring friend who cares about his family.

Although I will admit it is hard to push the romantic feelings out of my head the thought of not remaining friends would be much harder. We both talked about and realize we made the mistake of taking this sexual. I believe as you said, the both of us can now choose to turn this back into a friendship. It also means alot to hear from a man. It seems that a lot of what I read is from really disgruntled females.

Thanks again for the response.

I am just taking it one day at a time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:12pm
I don't think "disgruntled females" is an apt description. I think that for a lot of women, sex is a very strong, emotional part of a relationship. I know that when my A was ending, I was devastated to think that I would also lose his friendship, but going back to "just friends" seemed like a really pale comparison to the complete relationship we'd had. I loved everything about it, including the sex, and had a very hard time accepting that I would have to give up some important part of the relationship. Besides, I had a very hard time not touching him and kissing him because I enjoyed it so much. It turns out he did, too. Neither of us could find a way to be happy together without the physical part of the relationship. Part of it is probably because the sex never felt "recreational"...it always felt like an important part of a relationship between to friends who cared deeply about each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:24pm
Hey, hun: I'm also a recovering alcoholic and, to put it into AA terms, I would ask if maintaining a friendship was a "reservation?" It's sooooooo difficult to let go, I think we all know that on this board, but IMHO nothing good can come from trying to be friends. Just not possible. Sorry, I know its not the answer you wished to hear, but I don't think anyone in this forum will tell you otherwise.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:35pm
Hey,

I too have tried the friendship thing one too many times. And we always end up in the same place...in bed! Sorry to be so blunt, but its the truth. I think the physical attraction between us is much too strong. Last week we were trying the "just friends" angle again but I find it feels good at the moment than he may something that stirs up way too many emotions. If we were friends we would talk normally about day to day things right? Well you know what I dont know if I feel like hearing that much info. about his wife and child. That things are much better between them. Not now at least. Like Katie, says, maybe one day...but not today. Not when the wound is still so fresh. Ok thats my 2 cents.

Good luck to you.

xo!

Pages