End the affair/keep a friendship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2004
End the affair/keep a friendship?
26
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 8:41pm
I would like to know if anyone thinks its possible to stop any sexual involvement with a person and eventually return to just being friends. The "affair" has been over for only a few weeks. We both agreed it had to stop. We are both middle aged, I am married and he is long been divorced and also a recovering Alcoholic. Honesty is a big part of their program. He wasn't being honest with himself or his family (children from a previous marraige). Of course as a married woman I wasn't respecting my marraige vows and was feeling like a terrrible person to have let this go so far. This was a very serious relationship with Love being a big part of it. It started 2 years ago as a friendship and as a just a couple of months ago turned sexual. Long story short we agreed to end it but have both agreed to try to go back to being good friends. We can't imagine life without atleast being able to remain friends,

Is that even possible?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:35pm

SN'04, I think you've got the point exactly!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:56pm
You are right, every situation is unique. Your situation seems to be very rare. Your current wife knows all about your friendships with your former girlfriends and is fine with it? Well that is just peachy but don't forget that your current wife was the former lover....that is a unique situation to say the least. I don't know of too many spouses that are going to be comfortable with their spouse being chums with the person that they had an affair with. Maybe that stems from insecurity, but honestly I just believe that it is about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. (coming from a former adulteress that probably doesn't mean a hell of alot, but that really is how I feel). There aren't rules anymore, if it feels good do it is the type of attitude that is landing most of us in the crapper.

Just my two cents. And yes , you are right I do know what I am able to handle. I loved my XOM with all of my heart and soul, more than I loved anyone....I would love to be able to be his friend but it just isn't possible because of the high level of emotion that still is connected to the dynamics of the relationship and out of respect for my husband it just isn't right. Would I want my husband friends with his former lover? Hell no. I shouldn't dish it out if I can't take it. If I bumped into my XOM in the street would I give him the "malokio" and spit in his eye....no. I could be friendly. Probably be demure and pull the whole "you look great, how are things going for you" act (I tend to turn into Audrey Hepburn when I'm under pressure)....

Honestly the whole subject about staying friends with your lover has been talked about so many times on this board, and I'm really growing weary. My attitude is this, if you can do it more power to you. Most people on here can't do it. It often ends up in alot of hurt again. Isn't avoiding hurt the reason that we do the whole NC thing??????????

I'm done on this one folks, no sense beating a dead horse which is what we pretty much have done on this subject the past two years.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:30pm

SCU, I love your style.....


and we have spent the better part of 2 years discussing this subject...and it doesn't change what the "right" thing to do is, namely, anything in our life should be out in the open and available for spousal observation, including our interactions with the opposite sex.


I agree with you I'm in a rare situation and I also agree that out of respect for my spouse any former relationships would end at her request. All she needs to do is ask.


Oh, btw, if you keep hurting that horse, we'll have to report the incident to the SPCA......LOL


Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:36pm
LOL!!! Well we can make horse hamburgers but then the PETA people will be after me....everybody's a critic...

I like to fantasize that years down the road I can be friends with XOM, but you know what? I hope by then that I won't need him in any way shape or form. I hope that the thought of him no longer enters my mind. The fact that I still think of him bothers me. It is like he still has some kind of hold on me and my life just by invading my thoughts....time will tell if I'll ever be free of the mess that I created.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:21pm
I think that it is theoretically possible to remain friends, with honesty, maturity, strength, a sense of humor, a perspective on what is at stake. Ending the A is probably the greatest act of friendship you can give both to yourself and to the other person, because it is an acknowledgement that the A causing harm on so many levels, and if you truly love someone, you don't want them to be harmed. But I don't think you can maintain the same level of emotional intimacy that you had during the A. I think ending an A is hard enough without the extra burden of trying to maintain a meaningful friendship. After some space, it's probably easier. Don't we all know people who maintained good relationships with ex spouses and lovers? That's what makes me believe that it is theoretically possible. Every day I think to myself, if only I could go back to where we were before we crossed that first line. I truly loved him as a friend, and always looked forward to seeing him. But the friendship was never that intimate. It was very superficial even though we enjoyed each other's company. It's hard for me to imagine going back to that place since we know so much about each other, and each other's marriages, and all that now. I think it would be easier for him, but very very difficult for me. I would need several months to cool off and get over it before I could engage in more than hello, how are you and good bye.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 8:37pm
i believe it takes a lot of strength and willpower in order to remain friends after the A. My A just ended a couple weeks ago with him wanting to just remain friends also. I have to tell you it's not easy...right now ime hurting so much and feel so confused. And seeing him at work just makes it more difficult because there are times when i don't want to see him since it just brings back all those memories and the hurt but eventually i do run into him that day. It's just like opening an old wound without giving it enough time to heal first. However, i am trying to be his friend cuz i feel he needs one right now with everything he is going through. But i'm trying not to make myself that accessible to him right now either like i did before. And to be truthful, we were friends before the A began and i think losing his friendship would hurt more than just losing the sex part. So ime trying my hardest to keep it on the friend level but i think sometimes he takes that as me being icy towards him because i try not to pursue a conversation about sex or flirt with him just because i cannot trust myself in that situation. That and it just hurts too dam much still, but ime trying.

And as for referring to the "disgruntled females" on this board...better words to describe them would be hurt and confused by someone whom they loved and probably still do.

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