End it by telling the W?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
End it by telling the W?
9
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:58pm
After 2 years, I can't take it anymore. I asked for one simple thing - to get together for my b-day. He could not comply. And I can't take it anymore. I don't have the strength to say no to him and I am afraid of getting any older and allowing this to happen any longer. I came to the conclusion that for my sake, I need to tell her. Not for revenge, not out of spite, but to be sure to end it b/c I am just not strong enough. I justify this by telling myself that HE is the married one and he sought me for an affair. Opinions please??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:07pm
Well, telling the W may or may not end the A for you, but it will also hurt her beyond belief. She is the innocent party in all of this, and she doesn't deserve to go through the pain that your confession would inflict. Read the "Betrayed Spouses" board to get an idea of what she would go through if you told her.

You can find the strength to end this thing; you are stronger than you think. Those of us here who have been through it would be here to support you and help you find that strength.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:08pm
Hi Dani,

First of all ((HUGS)) and a belated happy birthday. Sounds like it wasn't the greatest. :(

You are making the right decision to end things, but telling his wife is probably not the answer. (Read imaria's post) You are going to be hurting someone who you have already hurt (even if she never knows), and possibly splitting up a family. I can imagine that's quite tempting, but he needs to clean up his own mess at home, and you need to clean up yours. Do what you need to do to have NO CONTACT with him at all. Block his emails, phone numbers, change your screen name, whatever it takes! If you truly want it to be over, you will find a way to prevent him from contacting you. It is easier that way, and listen to the ladies here...it works.

Sounds like you've been hurt quite a bit. You will be able to heal and move on, but you must take responsibilty and end all contact with him. Telling his wife is a selfish and hurtful way out, no matter what your motive. You can pick up the pieces and take charge of your own recovery and life.

We're here for you!!!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:09pm
We just recently had a thread regarding whether the wife should be told or not. There is a lot of valuable information here, but every single response was "NO!" She has nothing to do with yours and MM's sneaky underhanded affair. Why would you want to hurt an innocent party to your lies and betrayals? The MM is the dirty scoundrel, and I am sorry he couldn't find time for your birthday, but honey, they rarely do. Don't you read these boards?

YOU NEED to end the affair on your own. Telling the wife will NOT do this for you. It could all backfire and many innocent people will be hurt. I hope you read all of the posts in the thread below and find the answers you are searching for. Good luck.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14212.1&ctx=128

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:12pm
You must be kidding right?

Ok I am going on the assumption you would only consider this because you are feeling angry and desperate. I am sure you are not so cruel as to actually consider such a malicious means of avoiding facing up to your own problems/issues.

Try to remember it was not his wife who seduced you, nor his wife who has lied and cheated, nor his wife who would not come to celebrate your birthday.

She is not the cause of your pain, she does not deserve your punishment.

Time to regroup girlfriend.

Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:18pm
Dani,

ooops, sent it twice. board is slow......


Edited 10/4/2004 3:57 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:34pm
Hmm...Is Walt Disney's "Bambi" is playing anywhere near you?

Don't do it. His wife isn't your personal morals policeman nor is she an appropriate weapon to use against her husband because he wouldn't submit to YOUR control/demands in seeing you on your birthday.

<<>>

You are the one who accepted the terms offered for an affair by a married man. You are the one who enabled and encouraged him to lie to, cheat on, and betray his wife. All that has come to pass has happened precisely because of the choices YOU made and the decisions YOU took. The blame lays squarely on your own shoulders.

You actually justify it by assuming if MM is pushed off his fence he'll fall onto your side of that fence. Unlikely given just how far he's leaning towards his wife's side, isn't it?

If you want to end it then end it. For your sake, dig deep and locate the last remaining vestiges of grace & integrity and simply walk away.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:45pm
I know you are angry and disappointed, but I simply cannot see any good coming out of telling this woman. Like everyone else has said, she is innocent in all this. You say you would not do this out of spite, but that's really the only thing you can get out of it. You CAN end this if you really want to. The best thing to do would be to tell him that it's over and that you no longer want any contact with him. Then, you can heal yourself, get past this, and move on. If you tell his W, then you have no idea what may happen - how either one of them will react. It will just create a whole new set of problems that I am sure will be much more painful to endure than the hurt and disappointment this man has already caused you. Do yourself a favor, make a clean break and move on. I know it's hard, and we are all going through it. It can be done.

You don't give any details about your situation or why it was that he could not see you on your bday, but when you are in a relationship with a married person, this is to be expected. Disappointment just comes along with the situation, and we've all been there. It's not a "normal" relationship, and there are just so many more issues to deal with. If this is his usual behavior, not showing up, etc. then it appears he just isn't making time for you, or simply can't make time for you, so obviously you are not getting what you want from this relationship. Take the anger you are feeling and use it to just end it with this man. Then you can take the time to focus on yourself and what it is that will truly make you happy - because this just does not seem to be it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 4:14pm
Well said posiepops, I wouldn't want to hurt and innocent person because I'm miserable.

Find your streath inside to go on and take this as a learning experience. I always ask my self if the table were turned, How would I feel? The pain does go away with time.

Take care SOUL
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 5:38pm
Agree with previous posts -- DON'T tell his wife just to make things easier for you to end it. You need to find the strength within yourself (it's truly in there somewhere :-) to do this yourself. If you need to do it via email or using some other non-personal method, so be it. We all know how hard it is to get the words out and stay dtrong when you're in person and you are experiencing all those feelings and desires...

What may be helpful after that is to write him a letter -- what you REALLY want to say to him, nothing held back -- and then have a ceremonial burning of the letterthat you never send. By doing this you will have gotten out everything you want to say without being personally cruel. Then you can start to work on NC from that point forward.

And please come back here often -- it hasn't been that long for me with NC, but this board helps to get through it.

Best of luck!!!!