Ended "A" 4 Good - Need Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Ended "A" 4 Good - Need Help!
13
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 9:35pm

OMG!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 9:41pm

Dear kilowatt ...

I am day one too of a 2 year A. I have cried myself into a massive headache and my eyes are so puffy I look like hell. I took a picture of myself on my computer to remember the look of today. So that I have a visual of the internal toll this took on me. I just want you to know you aren't alone. I am in a totally different area than you, and yet, I bet we feel the same. Together, one breath at a time, we'll endure this.

Be strong & well,

Jodi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 9:55pm

Thank you for replying so quickly!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 8:36am

Kilowatt,


Welcome to EAS, honey, and may I say that you have come out of the gate with

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 8:42am

For me, it was an enormous relief to know I am not the only one.

I deserve my Dignity.
NC since 2/4/2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 11:17am

Thank you for your kind words and wonderful insights and the link to the spyware removal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 11:26am

Thank you dignity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2009
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 5:56pm

Hi Kilowatt,

I read your post and it brought back memories of ending my A 10 months ago! I'm doing great but this website was very helpful and i wanted to share this poem with you with the hope that it will help you as much as it helped me to get thru the days and nights.
Hang in there - it gets easier and is so much better....I finally see clearly!

When is enough, "Enough" ?
Enough being only an option to all of his priorities.
Enough talk with no actions ever taken.
Enough of the superficial conversation and fake interest in your world.
Enough listening to him wax about how bad his marriage is yet he stays put.
Enough being his sounding board because he "claims" he isn't appreciated at home.
Enough looking the other way from the things that make you uncomfortable.
Enough throwing your integrity down the toilet.

Enough of feeding his big fat ego
Enough of letting him have his cake and eating it too
Enough of giving your love to someone that really doesn't care about you or love you, just pretends he does
Enough of letting the ball be totally in his court, meaning it is on his terms when he will be able to see you or call you and you being a jerk and waiting for that phone to ring
Enough of falling for all his lies and stories of being so miserable at home, he is perfectly fine at home and liked things just the way they were with being able to have you on the side, when it suited him
Enough of being his dirty little secret
Enough of wasting your time in a dead end situation that is never going to change for the better
Enough of having to deal with the constant anxious feelings and that contstant longing for someone that will never be yours, but will be happy to feed your head with all the right words to keep stringing you along

Enough of living a lie.
Enough of making him a priority (when you are his option).
Enough of obsessing over ever word and analyzing every conversation when he can't take the time to respond to one lousy email.
Enough of accepting the fact that he is "busier" than you.
Enough of pretending your feelings aren't all wrapped up in this.
Enough of hoping his feelings are as wrapped up in this as your's.
Enough of checking email, texts, looking at the clock, wondering where he is/what he is doing, waiting for him to "sign on"....
Enough wasting my time on someone who is emotionally unavailable.
Enough of letting his actions dictate my choices.
Enough passiveness....I'm in charge of my life...I get to choose!!!
Enough of engaging in emotional suicide.

Enough living 1/2 a life while he lives a life and a 1/2.
Enough eating crumbs when I can have a full course meal.
Enough disrespecting myself.
Enough of his renting free space in my head.
Enough being weak and selfish.
Enough hurting innocent people that love and trust me.
Enough being a person I never EVER thought I would be.

Enough being the complete opposite of a whole person.
Meaning, enough defining my life according to a single aspect of unreality.

Mia
Mia
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 6:19pm

Mia,

Where have you been...love, LOVE, LOVE the poem. That is some good stuff. I needed that reminder, I am an ambitious but patient newbie and loved reading that. Only thing I would add to my enough list is:

ENOUGH of me being your little sex kitten and claiming I am the best you ever had and I made you feel like you never have felt before

...blah, blah, blah (you get the picture?).

Thanks for that powerful reminder, congrats on your 10 months. Thanks for sharing.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 10:07pm

Yes ... this poem was so powerful to read. The more I see myself and my situation in the stories and experiences of the other posters, the easier it is for me to let go of feeling that "wait, it was different for me, for us"...

I have felt every single thing on that list, and then some.

For me, it's

ENOUGH taking my insights and brilliance and publishing them with your name on them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 11:39pm

Mia I cant thank you enough for posting that list. I am going to cut & paste it, print it out and read it everyday to help me through this. I have been reading through the healing library and through the many posts in this forum and wwoow, what a reality check. *Gulp* :| Then the final blow, to the one last shred of dignity I was holding onto, came when I read "The Seduction of the MM". The only integrity I had left in this A was that I wasn't easy to deal with as an OW. Or so I thought...maybe I was just fooling myself. :| I hated every aspect of the circumstances and I voiced that A LOT. And then I read in "The Seduction of the MM" that it actually adds fuel to the whole dynamic???! My jaw dropped open!

I am struggling today because as much as I would like to blame him, I really can't. It was me and my own issues that lead me here and that is what I have to reconcile with myself. Coming here is my first step toward rebuilding my self esteem and reclaiming the person I lost along the way. Staying here to get it right will be my second third fourth fifth etc steps. You get the idea. :)

I also would like to say that everyone here is awesome. The CL's, my fellow posters...everyone!




Edited 1/19/2010 12:01 am ET by kilowatt2010

Pages