Ended A with Boss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Ended A with Boss.
2
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 10:21pm
It has been a while since I posted, but I have been lurking once a while. I have received so much strength and insight from this Board during the process of ending my A with my Boss that I would now like to share my progress here in the hopes that it will encourage and give hope to the ladies who are now struggling with the excruciating process of ending their A. Just a quick recap - I have been working for my boss for 20 years and about two years ago our R turned personal and we had an intense A for about a year. We are both M. The emotional roller coaster of our A was no different than what I've read here - the constant pull-push - the freak-outs - the excitement and anticipation leading up to a date and then feeling totally miserable for days after a date - tried to end it several times but would fall right back - yup BTDT. Then I stumbled into this Board early this year and after much reading - I summoned up the strength and courage and told him no more and that was about 8 months ago. The next three months were excruciatingly painful, but I stood my ground with the help of this Board and especially with excellent advice and wisdom from Lovely, Messenger and Clarity. My boss and I work in a small office and I work exclusively for him, so NC was out of the question and even LC was difficult. The first two weeks I could hardly function - I could remember the emotional pain like it was yesterday and to be near him 8 hours a day 5 days a week was undescribable. I did not want to and could not quit my job of 20 years. It was very difficult for my boss too and he would pursue me and I almost gave in a few times, but the thought of the "Aftermath" would keep me grounded and I would renege on him. I would say without a doubt that the most important factor that helped me was the understanding of my emotions after reading this Board - once I understood why I was in so much emotional pain and reading so many ladies here going through the same emotions, I was able to deal with it by taking counter-actions, e.g. I journaled, I made an "Action List" and read it every time I got emotional in the office and of course I came here and read :) So fast forward 8 months after ending my A, I am still nowhere near indifference, but definitely at a much better place emotionally. I definitely have no desire to go back to the A, but I do still habour feelings for my XAPBoss. My boss continues to pursue me to this date and some days he acts with his emotions on his sleeves, but resisting his "fishing" is becoming less and less difficult now. Of course I am also very concerned about D-Day which will be unimaginably disastrous if it ever happened. Having this A is the worse thing I have ever done in my life and my greatest regret is that it ruined a great 20 year professional friendship that I shared with him before the A. My goal now is to be able to guide my XAPBoss into "letting go" as well and hopefully be able to repair our professional relationship as much as possible, but I know it will not be completely the same as before and for that I have already shed many a tears.
So for those who are in the process of ending their A in the workplace, my heart goes out to you and I know exactly the excruciating pain you are going through, but I would like to encourage you to stand your ground - fake it till you make it - and it will get better.
And Finally - here's to IDDY - you are the most amazing lady and here's a special CHEERS to you :) (((HUGS)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2007
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 10:36pm

Thanks for sharing this, Gullable. I am one of those ladies who had an A with her current boss. It was and still is, exactly the way you describe it - the push/pull, the thrill followed quickly by the pain. My xAP fought the ending too. He continues to fight it. He uses words like, "love", "soulmates" and things of that nature to keep my head spinning and my heart reeling.


I have had to work tirelessly and against all odds to keep hold of my resolve. It's a lot

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 11:59pm
Hi Mia - I read your other post and it is amazing that both our situations are so similar. Yes like yourself I too have spent countless hours/days crying and that gut wrenching pain in the pit of my stomach in the early weeks of ending my A. But I was so sick and fed-up of the long "Aftermath" of a date that it help me stay my ground. Of course, initially I did feel a bit apprehensive about rebuffing his advances - after all he is the boss - but I soon realized that such a fear was unfounded because he has as much to lose and myself should he decide to jeapardize my job :) I also did exactly what you are doing now - everyday before I entered the office I would take a deep breath of determination and resolve to smile and work with him as normal as possible (part of my "Action List") and then say a cheerful goodbye after work and just leave. This was excruciatingly difficult at first, but it got easier in a couple of weeks. Yes Mia it does get easier - so hold your head up high everyday and keep faking it until you make it - and you will make it if you stick to your resolve to put an end to the A. Here's to you too to reclaim your life back. G.