Ended the A.... here comes more guilt
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| Wed, 01-05-2005 - 11:02am |
This is my first time posting on the endings board so please bear with me it is a little long.
A little over a month ago I ended an A I had for approx. 4 1/2 months. Some background my DH is sometimes very nasty and negative. Sometimes I feel he is on the boarderline of being verbablly abusive. Also, I miscarried about 7 months ago. Not an excuse for having an A. I just think my mind was just not clear about things.
Then here comes a man (a MM) I have known for almost 19 years and we always had this connection. We went to lunch a few times and then it just went down a road that I just wish I never went. We were in love, we had IC a few times. I guess my DH started to notice changes in me. I didn't care at the time. My DH treated me like crap. I wanted out. Then all of a sudden my DH and I had a long talk. He wants to be a better H and father. He wants to go to MC with me. And on top of that my MM started acting kind of controlling. Maybe controlling is not the right word. But like he wanting more from me than I can give. See my MM left his W. I told MM that he should only leave his W for himself not for me because I can not promise anything. He said he was leaving because he has not been happy in his M for a long time. Come to find out that his leaving has some to do with me, which I can understand. I was making him happy.
Then I started to get real confused on what I was doing. My DH was treating me better (not sure if it will last but it is the first time he started really trying). So I started to think why was I doing this to my family? So one day I decided that I needed to work on myself along with my M. I need to work through issues to see what would make me happy. I need to make sure that I did not give up on M without compeltely trying. See we never really worked on our M. We just let things go. I started to think maybe my DH was acting the way he was becasue maybe I really never gave him the love he needed either.
Plus at the time my MM was wanting way too much from me too soon. See at the time I was seeing MM I was confused about if I wanted to be with my H. One of the pressuring things was that he wanted me to move in with him the moment I decided if I wanted to leave my M. I told MM that I couldn't do that. That people need healing before jumping right into another full blown R. That he also needed to take time to heal from his M. That doesn't mean we couldn't see each other. That moving in together was not fair to my DH, to me or to MM. That would be moving way too quickly. He didn't understand why I wouldn't move in. There were other things that I felt I was being pressured by MM. I know MM didn't mean to pressure me becasue he just loved me. I tried to understand but I still felt pressured. The things he would say would make me feel like he was rushing me and it started to make me not want to be with MM. I hope that makes sense.
So I decided that we needed to end it. It was getting too complicated and confusing. I loved MM but I also loved my DH. So I had to make a very hard decision. My MM is having a hard time with it, but he is respecting my decision. I still love MM but not the way I thought I loved him. Not the way he loves me today. I lived in such a state of confusion when we started. I still don't know why I did it at all.
But now here I am today. I can not live with the guilt of what I did to my H. I also have alot of guilt of what I did to MM. I thought I loved him, we talked about that. Now he is by himself and that bothers me too. I know I have to live with it, it's the price I pay for selfessness. I guess at the time I felt different. I couldn't continue with A because I felt like it was just not right, which it wasn't. So I know in my heart I did the right thing. I just can't get the guilt of the A out of my mind.
I wonder with time if it will get better. I guess I don't deserve it to get better. I did break my M vows.
If there is anyone that has ended thier A because it was not right and they wanted to work on their M, could give me some advice - I would appreicate.
Sorry for the rambling. Just having one of those days.

Hey,
I can relate to your relationship quite a bit in that I know the MM I have been having an A with is not really the man I want to be with and spend my life with. I really enjoy the attention and excitement when we are together but we are definitely not compatible otherwise. My H on the other hand is a wonderful father and a very supportive and caring person. I have no idea why on earth I dont feel the physical passion I feel for MM for my H, I sure wish I did. I have accepted my feelings, and am more ready than ever to end the A and work on my M. OM is not happy about this decision and gets a little weird and obsessive but my mind is made up completely. I cannot offer much advice because I too am still trying to figure it all out. The one thing I can say is that you do deserve to have a loving relationship with your husband and if that is what you want go for it. For me in order for that to happen I am going to have to have NC with OM. (As much as possible, he will be coming around because our families are friends)
Well good luck, I know this is hard!
Luv
You going to find many women here that have been or are in your place right now.
All I will suggest is to focus on your husband and marriage give it 100 percent do the MC IC = individual counceling for yourslef and if need be your husband your MC can advise on that subject.
XMM knew full well you were married woman when he got involved with you so he took his chances and lost the gamble thats his fault and not something you need to be feeling guilty about, if he left his wife after 4.5 months thinking your going to do the same that would make me wonder were his head is at thats quick even in a normal honest relationship.
You have done the right thing even if you and hubby did not work out affair based relationships rarely ever go the long haul.
Good luck
Free
Thank you guys for responding.
Free.... I know what you are saying...I got to thinking while in the A...how come he wants to move so quickly? It made me uncomfortable. He knew that I was confused and he knew that I did not know what I wanted from my M. Whether I wanted to stay or not. Just because my H can be a nasty and negative most of the time. But there was no promise to leave my M. I just got this feeling that XMM was becoming more possessive than I could handle. It was a turn off, a red flag if you want to say that. Like someone that has issues of their own about R. What would have happened if I did leave my M, for someone who can't deal with R himself? Plus your right, the chance of a R working from AP is very slim. I realized that I needed to really start thinking about what I was doing, what I was willing to live with, and about my family. I tried to stop thinking just about my feelings. In my eyes, during my A I was living in a fantasy world, not living in reality. When I finally realized what I was doing I couldn't believe I was capable of being in an A. But what's done is done. I just have to work on the today and the future. Just try the best I can. Pray for forgiveness. I do honestly think that MC is going to be great thing no matter what happens with my M.
Thanks again.
Luv