Ended it for good last night
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| Thu, 06-16-2005 - 1:34pm |
Hi everyone,
So its been almost 3 weeks since I've seen exMM and although I told him 2 weeks ago when he didnt finalize his divorce or move back to my city as promised that I couldn't see him anymore. He's been separated for two years now and his living situation is just unbearable to me. He lives in an apt owned by his parents near his house with his W and kids and I can never go there. Ever. He lived near me for the first 6 months but has been in that apt in a neighboring state for 18 months now and promises to move back often. Anyway for the last week or so he's been getting very argumentative with me via email and phone about me and how I am wrong to not work on our relationship and I made mistakes too and cheated on him and that I should understand he needs to work thru these things. See, I waited till the first deadline came and went 9/1/04 and since I was divorced, I felt it was unfair for him to keep me sitting around. He hadn't even filed yet. So I dated and yes, I had IC with one guy and then I stopped for a couple of months and was good again but once again exMM didn't follow thru so I dated again in early 2005. Since Feb 05 I had been patiently waiting but no divorce and no new apartment where I can go. exMM calls these episodes cheating and says that I don't care about him and am demanding and unfair and on and on. ANYWAY, after another of these pointless conversations last night (he wanted to have dinner and talk, I said no because he is still married) I just said, 'you know it's just over, ok? you win, you destroyed it, its over' and I hung up.
Today I came to work and he had written this extremely long email all about me being arrogant and selfish and not sharing responsibility in the problems we have and how I never ask him how he is feeling (not true) and only am concerned with when he getting divorced. That's the jist of it. I feel my blood boiling and am so angry at this man. We are not a normal couple. He is MARRIED and I am SINGLE for a year now. Noone in his world knows of me after all this time and this fact he blames on me because I am unstable and don't show him enough security and love for him to feel comfortable intoducing me to his kids. He blames me 100% for his secret apt for the same reason I just stated. As for the divorce, he just says I am too focused on it and never get to know what's inside him. HE has said these things to me over and over and in the past I used to jump thru hoops to try and get him to trust me enough. I am so dumb I even would plan how I would meet his kids and his parents. Can you imagine? And he played me but for what I don't know. What is the point of all this? Is he just trying to keep me as the OW in the city where he works and stay separated so this way he has his freedom from his W but yet still has a W and kids tucked away, in case he needs them? OKay I could see a cakeeater wanting this but why go to the extent to lie about the future we will have - even now after I have made my point clear that I am having nothing to do with him while he is married and living a double life???
I just don't get it. Is he insane? Does he not realize the bottom line issues here?
Any imput is appreciated. It'd be great if the CL added his thoughts. He has good imput. I already have ended it and did not respond, just trying to understand. To me its crystal clear - get divorced, move out and only then can there even be a chance at a realtionship. Why id he fighting me???
Ivy

F HIM!!!
He is telling you all of these things because he wants to seem like a good guy and for his actions to be justified. The biggest favor you can do for him is let him enjoy feeling guilty.
Mine filed after I gave him a chance to enjoy his wonderful family without my presence in his life. Who is he going to call and tell where he went and what he did and what he feels and what he thinks? Noone! He will realize what you mean to him and hopefully file and get divorced. But get out without any response, any emails any memory. Don't explain to him who's right, who's wroing. Get out.
Ivy,
<...and only am concerned with when he's getting divorced>
It's possible he is so confused he really does believe this - that you can work on a relationship while he's still married BUT you know the truth that this would allow him to sit on the fence.
It's more likely that he just thinks this tactic will work since he's getting desperate. You're slipping away and the only thing left for him to do requires real action, which he's not emotionally really for. He's pointing all kinds of fingers in an effort to get the focus away from him.
You are 100% right to demand that he file before you start on your relationship. The only other alternative is to continue to do the same thing and expect different results.
Be strong in your conviction.
WIP
yea, he did file in late December but has to finalize it in court and he has scheduled two court dates which for different reasons were not kept.
The thing is that I really have no proof that he did file or that he even had these court dates. Or even that he's separated after he moved back there in 12/03. I don't know for certain this apartment exists sicne I've never seen it.
I believe he's a manipulative pathelogical liar and user and don't want anything to do with him anymore.
I guess I am just tryig to understand what he gained from this. Why he told me that he'd marry me and gave me all these specific dates which passed. He still swears that we'd be engaged by 9/1/05 if I'd work things out with him. There's something wrong with him
Ivy
IV
You may find answers at theses links.
http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism/
http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism/women.html
Free
~IVY~
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I am trying to break my addiction to this board ;-), but I had to reply to your post. I just spent a couple of hours reading through all of the
Thank you so much! That was a very nice post.
Yes, it has been extremely tough to walk away from xMM. In a way, if I knew he was never getting divorced, it would have made the situation clearer for me. But I guess thats why the ambiguity, right? It was the whole grey nature of the relationship that kept me in it so long. I kept feeling like the pot of gold was just around the next horizon but somehow, the closer I got to it, the further it seemed. The other emotion besides love which kept me in it - is guilt. I am realizing that now. Unfortunately, I feel guilty quite often even when I have no need to be and people tend to use this against me to get me to do what they want. Everytime I would try and break away from MM, he would use guilt to pull me back it. He's very clever at it. I have told him that as long as he is still married and cannot have a relationship with me where I am publicly acknowledged in him world, its over. I think thats pretty clear and I can't imagine that someone would be able to fight me on that but he is doing it. He sends email after email - all basically the same, how he loves me and we belong together and how wrong I am to do this and I should be encouraging him instead of walking away and so on. When I don't respond, then he gets nastier. He always ends them with the famous line -if you don't respond, I will know then you never loved me. If he really wanted me, wouldn't he hurry and make that court appt and email me THAT piece of info? No, he just writes these novels full of twisted reasoning of why I am wrong and to blame partially for his not being divorced yet.
I realized something else about myself and cheating. A lot of the times when I've cheated, soemtimes sure, it was out of love/lust but sometimes it was from guilt. Last night, I met this guy and he is in town just for the weekend from another country. He gave me his card and I said maybe we'd meet for coffee today. But then today I decided I really didn't want to start something up with someone from another country. He called and texted me and I was feeling so guilty about not seeing him and I caught myself and wondered, why am I feeling so guilty rejecting a total stranger? I think my guilt is misplaced. When I was having an affair, I did not feel guilty towards my H for cheating on him but I used to feel so guilty towards MM when I spent time with H - of course MM never feels guilty towards me. I am just starting to realize I do way too much out of guilt.
Ivy