Ended it with MM after abortion, wife FO

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Ended it with MM after abortion, wife FO
6
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:50pm
I'm totally devastated, and I don't know where to begin. I met MM while in undergrad, he was my professor. He was twice my age and more. Excuse me if I'm choppy, but everything is still fresh and I am still in shock and pain. We were together for more than 2 years , and recently I found out I was pregnant. I went through all of the motions and decided I would keep it, but then he pressured me into having an abortion this past Friday. I am so mad at myself and him now because I was totally against abortion. I am now devasted. In fact, I went crazy the day after because of what he made me do. He was always at an advantage over me. For one, he was twice my age. He just had my mind. I've just been beating myself up because I had recently decided to end it with him before I found out about the pregnancy. Although, it was a horrible situation to bring a baby into I knew I could do it alone. My reason for wanting to end it before I found out about the PG was religous/spiritual. So when I found out about the PG I was determined to do the right thing. Anyway, I had a nervous break down and decided to call his W after the abortion. I told her everything and promised to stay away from him. It's only been a day since all of this happened and I've already called him.Honestly, there really wasn't much to say. I don't know why I called. He hurt me by pressured me into killing my baby. I know that he loves me and always will but obviously not enough to do the right thing. When I called him, I heard pain in his voice. I didn't apologize but he said I hurt his wife and then changed it to he hurt her. He said I didn't have to do that, and I said he didn't have to pressure me into killing my baby. I also said that I did it because it was the right thing to do and the only thing to break our affair off. In the past we could never break up. We always ended back together. We never went more than 2 days without contact.He did end up apologizing to me for everything, but I question it because of his initial blame. Just to give you some background info. I had such a break down that I told my whole family the truth about everything.My dad called and threatened him. My aunt who is an investigator wants me to sue the school and make him lose his job but I just want it all to be over with. She says I should sue because he used his authority on a young college student. Doing that won't bring my baby back. Plus, I still love him, and untill I get past that stage I will only be hurting myself even more. I know we will never be together ever again. When we were together he did treat me great. Whenever I needed him he was always there except for this last time. Plus, I know he will just be a reminder of the innocent baby he pressured me into killing. I need encouragement and any words or advice will help. I am so confused right now I don't know if I'm more devastated over ending it or the abortion. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:11pm
You did the right thing by ending things with this man. As for your baby, I am sorry you had to make such a difficult decision and hope that your faith allows you to realize that we are humans and we all make mistakes. Personally I think having this baby would have been extraordinarily difficult but I understand why you would not want to terminate your pregnancy.

I can't give you much advice because I am currently trying to end a similar relationship.

I hope you feel better...just remember time heals all wounds.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:06am
Thank you so much for that post. I thank you because I too have been there, giving up a baby because the man I love didn't want it. I agree with the phrase that time heals all wounds. There won't be a day that goes by that you don't think about your child. But everything happens for a reason. You won't be given anything in this life that a higher power does not believe you can handle. Take yourself out of this self destructive situation, learn from it. Realize that you cannot change the past, you can only move forward. If you learned that you can no longer compromise yourself for a man, that live that way from this day forward. As for you X, rise up above all this drama by not giving him the time of day. Don't accept the calls, and definitely don't call him. It will be hard, but use the rubber band thing mentioned on this board. (put a rubber band on your wrist, and everytime you think about this guy, snap it. He causes you emotional pain, but we don't see that till it is physical.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:59am
Imlookin~

Honey, you need to find a counselor immediately. I'm not sure of your faith background, but if you are wanting, I know someone in a post-abortive ministry that I'm sure would have a number or resource that would help you.

Hon, despite it all God loves you. I will be praying for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:54pm
{{HUGS}} to you, honey. I'm so sorry. You have *so* much to deal with right now. Trust the advice of those who have told you to see a counselor. And know that there are people out here who care. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:08pm
I agree. I did call a counselor today. Thank you for all of your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 4:39pm
ImLOOKIN'

I had a friend who once told me that with an abortion, it's natural/normal to regret the choice you didn't make. I know you were feeling the pressure but you still made a choice. You need to grow from it and move forward. I hope like one previous poster said you don't think about it everyday. I hope you find peace with your choice/decision and learn. If anything I think you've learned that you can't let someone else make decisions for you and that you are the one living with the consequences of your choices.

I know many people who have had Abortions and still went on to meet and marry and have wonderful children with a supportive spouse. I hope and wish that for you if that's what you want.

As for MM I find his behavior deplorable! I can't believe that reading your post I was getting the feeling that you were defending him. I think that you will find that now the cat is out of the bag with his wife...all of the luster of your affair will soon disipate. Be prepared. Everything does happen for a reason and I think it's not hard to see that you DON'T need this man in your life.

Please take my advice...you are young..you will heal. It just takes time.

I was in your same boat only I kept the baby. I'm happy I did, it was the right decision for me.... I think part of the reason I did is because of my age. I knew that it might be one of my last chances to have a baby. It's hard being preg. and single... it's hard being a single mom. I have been on the worst emotional roller coaster for the past year. Having to deal with XMM and his wife drains me.

Count your belssings...friends..family and best wishes to you...

Love, KATJA