Ended it. But still struggling
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| Wed, 09-22-2010 - 12:54am |
I have been so inspired by all the stories that have been so generously shared here. Reading them, I know I am not alone. My A was not very long- 3 months. It was not even physical, being conducted only over tech platforms. But it intruded into a 20-yr-old marriage and plunged me into depression. I became all obsessive and needy. I tried to end it but each time it started up again. XAP was sparing with contact but told me he loved me, and that drove me crazy. It finally ended because basically my insecurity-born words hurt him as much as his silence hurt me. Although he was technically the one who sent the last message that broke us up, we had been building towards it. I think that having to live a lie made me act all insane. I just couldn't compartmentalise- couldn't be my normal self which is really very open and honest. I am relieved it is over. Have been NC for 8 days now.This is partly because he has not contacted me after that. But also, I have managed to hold back. I don't think there is any danger of contact.
The problem is that every now and then I miss him badly. Will this pass? Will I eventually stop longing for him? I do realise that I miss the idea of him more than the man himself. I am married to an absolute angel of a man whom I love dearly. My XAP once told me he could love two women at the same time (he is married- no children). But I have realised I cannot love two men without hurting both. I am a one-man woman, and I want my husband to have me back 100%.
I regret ever starting the A. But I do not regret ending it. My question is: how long will it take before I stop thinking about him?

Hi Browndress, pleased to meet you.
Im sure some vets and tweeners will pipe up, but as a newbie I can say that each day is better than the last (mostly :)
Its a process and central to it is a self-awareness journey that asks you to find out why you did this. What is lacking in your life (and its not sex or romance) that made you risk so much, for
Browndress,
Welcome the board, honey. I am short on time as I have to leave for work, but I justed wanted to welcome you to our community and hope that are already reading the Healing Library for insights and wisdom re. affairs.
<>
It's going to take a long while, I'm afraid. You just have to let time work it's magic, be patient with yourself, work out all of the emotions you are going through, definitely stick to NC, and read here faithfully as much as you can.
(((Hugs)))
~Iddy~
Hi browndress,
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
Thank you so much, all of you, for the responses. I spent a very bad night last night tossing and turning, alternating between guilt and longing. It was horrible, because I really thought I was feeling stronger and could move on. But this strength and weakness seem to come in cycles. Is that normal?
I hear you when you say that 3 months is better than 3 years. The biggest favour XAP did was hold back from emotional contact even over the 3 months. Of course it probably means that all he was interested in was the tech sex (how clear things seem in hindsight) but it does make it easier to delink from him. Or it should. NC is harder to maintain than I thought, even knowing that he probably won't respond. But pride is keeping me strong for now- I refuse to fish.
This is an amazing place for learning and healing, and I am reading as much as I can. One thing I am grateful for is that I now know for sure that the only relationships I want are ones that the sun can shine on. If it has to be hidden, I know I cannot deal with it and still stay grounded.
So grateful to you all