Ended it.....again
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| Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:01am |
I am a 25 y/o married mother of 2 children, ages 5 and 2. My husband and I have a good relationship, even though we don't see each other much, due to our work schedules. I love my husband very much, but I have been having a very emotional affair for the past year, off and on.
My OM is a very sensitive, emotional man and has fallen very deeply in love with me. I have known OM for 5 years. We worked together at my previous job, kept in touch after I left, lost contact and then got back in contact about a year ago.
When we started talking again, OM was going through a very difficult time, both at work and with his then-live-in-girlfriend (she has moved out and they have had NC since December). Almost immediately, he told me that he had fallen in love with me. I, over time, fell in love with him, too. Although, I don't think I feel as deeply for him as he does for me. Our relationship was sexual, at times, but mostly it was emotional.
I would see him for 30 minutes, or an hour, or two occasionally. We went out on day trips away from the city in which we live a few times. I would sometimes bring my youngest child with me, and he also grew very attached to him. We would discuss what life would be like if/when we were really together. He told me he wanted to marry me, take care of my children and me, and possibly have another child. This came from a man that never told his live in girlfriend of 9 years that he loved her. Not once. He doesn't say things that he doesn't mean. I felt pressured to make a choice between him and my husband several times, even though he never gave me an ultimatum. I broke it off with him with NC for one month, then back together for about a month, NC for 3 months, back together for 2 weeks, and NC again since Saturday night. I have been suffering from depression, due to my self-esteem, childhood issues, and the rollercoaster of emotions I feel both in my marriage and the Affair. OM and I had been discussing the possibility of me moving out and living on my own for a the past week. Things had not been going well at home for me. My husband and I have both been on edge. OM asked that I not string him along again, and to please be honest with him if I'm planning on moving out or not. I started going to therapy last week and started feeling somewhat better. After I got home from therapy, my husband and I had a long discussion and he said it would be best for me to move out, for my emotional well being. After a while, my husband disclosed to me that he has never really told me how he has felt about me in our 3 years of marriage (4 1/2 years together). He told me how much he loves me and how he doesn't want to lose me. Things that he has never said before. At that point, I decided my marriage is worth a real try. Not only for our children, but for my husband and me. I went out with OM the next night, I guess in my mind as a "goodbye" date. We discussed what was going on on the drive home, and he did not take it well. He feels rejected, hurt, and mislead. I do love him, and at the time I really was considering moving out. I know it's going to take him a very long time to get over me. In the 3 months that we had NC, he was not doing well at all. Mutual friends told me that he was extremely depressed. He told me this, also. I feel so guilty, not only for what I have done to my husband, but for what I have done to OM. I love them both dearly. I know I have to finally let OM go. For his good and my own. It's so difficult, I don't know how I'll make it through with NC. I'm going to try to throw all of myself into my marriage, but it's hard when we don't get to see each other much because of work.
If you have read my whole story, thank you for hanging in there. Any advice or comments are welcome.

You asked for suggestions.
Here are some from my male point of view.....
You have made a choice to work on your marriage. I hope you are going to continue counseling, as well as conversations with hubby to re-establish the emotional connection to him.
Since your affair is over, leave it in your past and DON'T tell your hubby about it. Why make him miserable just so you can vent? As I've said many times here on the board, he may forgive you, however, he'll NEVER forget the affair. So leave it in your past.
Explore with your counselor what the reasons you used to justify having an affair rather than speaking frankly with your husband about the loneliness you felt.
Your post really struck some chords with me and I felt compelled to respond although I'm more often found on the UK ivillage boards. Apologies in advance for the long post.
I turn 40 this year, have been married 5yrs in September (we've been together with the exception of our separation for the last 10yrs) & I have a 20mos old DD fathered by my exMM (well, Man In A Committed Relationship, but as good as married). DH & I remained close friends during our 3yr separation, we reconciled early this year with marriage counselling and we are happily raising my DD together as a family. Believe me, this is the short version!
Like you, I was actually happy in my marriage, nothing essentially wrong with the relationship, we had just lost the spark and more or less led separate lives within the same household. DH had had a short-term affair years ago (before we married). From experience, it was the lies and deceit that hurt me most so I respected DH enough and found the courage to tell him I had strong feelings for someone else. Together, we decided that we should have a trial separation.
As strange a set-up as you can imagine this being, what occurred to me was that while exMM was full of sweet words, promises and little else, DH showed by his consistent actions that my daughter and I were first on his list of priorities, first in his life, and I had no reason to believe that would ever change. ExMM had the talk, but DH had the walk. Amusingly enough, in the end I found myself cheating on exMM with my own DH!
With marriage counselling (or Relate counselling it's called over here in the UK), DH and I were able to discover that our wants and needs and expectations for a relationship were actually a very good match. Most importantly we were able to re-establish long dormant paths of communication.
We love each other and never for a moment doubted we had love, what we doubted was whether we were "in love" enough to sustain a relationship. There had been some huge changes to our lives, DH's mother passed away, I'd had an operation which drastically changed my life, I was laid off work for a period, and in this period of upheaval we were afraid to worry each other with our troubles, thoughts, feelings of sadness, etc. I turned elsewhere for emotional support and found it in an immature, irresponsible, and rather opportunistic MM.
These days I have no contact whatsoever with exMM, he has no desire to see his eldest daughter since he now has a 7mos old daughter who is half-sister to my daughter. With the passage of time, I'm over being angry or upset with him which is a pretty pointless exercise anyway when he is utterly unable to accept responsibility for anything.
Had my DH not freed me to "chase my own rainbows," as he called it once, then I strongly believe that we'd never have discovered our rainbows actually ended at each others' doorsteps.
Separation doesn't have to mean the end. And you don't even have to separate to re-discover all the reasons why you fell for your DH in the first place. Counselling will certainly help, I've done both individual and couples counselling and both have helped me enormously.
As for your OM, he doesn't seem to be anything like the waster my exMM was. You simply cannot be responsible for how he feels or whether he's down, sweetie. It takes two to tango and he is exactly one half responsible for your EMA. He is likely grieving the loss of the relationship every bit as much as you. Sadly, time is the only healer. And any contact at all rips the scab off any healing that's been done and you are both right back at square one again.
You were with OM honest at all times (even if your mind changed), and ultimately when we embark upon EMA's we accept there is a strong possibility that the married one will remain with or return to their partner. It happens, and you aren't a horrible person, but you do need to start your own healing processes, sweetie.
If you honestly believe you can be happy and fulfilled with DH with or without benefit of marriage counselling (which WILL assist in matters of that all important communication), then you go for it girl.
If you need a time out from both of them, then you do that, too. Work out what it is that you want and try keep an open mind and heart even when it's most tempting to shut them both down.
Some seven months down the line from the end of my EMA I am so much stronger in myself, so much more confident, no longer pulled between two men and stretched to breaking point. My DH and I are genuinely enjoying one another's company these days, and my daughter, well, DH thinks the sun shines out of her backside, and of course he right!
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie xxx
There's hope with you and your husband. You said that you love him. He has opened up to you in a way that you haven't known. Marriage is tough, there are ups and downs as you know. Continue the counselling for yourself and for the both of you. Commit in your heart to yourself and your husband. If the OM contacts you, either ignore him or be very matter of fact about sticking to your decision. Don't waver, don't go on dates. Don't meet him anywhere.
Focus on the good things about your relationship with your husbands, work on repairing the problems. Remember why you married him.
Time will help and the good thing is that you have a loving partner there with you that you can turn to when you are feeling down.
Your OM made the decision to continue the relationship with you knowing that you are married. That was his choice, his gamble. You've made your decision now, please stick to it and honor your husband.
Best of luck to you.
~Love
Good luck. I hope to some day have the strength to do the same!!!