A ended long ago...
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| Sat, 01-08-2005 - 1:44pm |
and I've been reading posts on here since...over 2 years now. I am like so many of you out there, wondering when the missing mm ends and does he ever think of me etc.
I remained with my h and he with his w and it was really him who ended it. We were ready to leave our spouses and when we came clean to them, my h was so angry he wanted me out at the time and well, his w didn't feel the same as mm had hoped and well, changed his mind last minute and requested nc.
We saw each other once after that, and he was still sticking to his guns on rebuilding the m even though he wasn't sure at the time if it would work and h and I were on the same path to rebuild. I broke nc after awhile through email and he said he was happy in his m and I lied basically and said the same, I never told him I missed him, I was afraid of what else he might say, I knew it was over, I didn't need him to spell it out.
So that was it. This man who told me he loved me blah blah just fell off the face of the earth and I respected his wishes because I cared for him, but secretly I had always hoped he'd show up one day and tell me it didn't work with his w.
I know this was or should I say is dreaming, I am still with h and it will be 15 years coming and things seem ok on the outside and I think h is happy, I am the one who wishes I was somewhere else when I think of mm. I feel so guilty, thinking I only stayed here at the time for economic reasons, kids etc. I do love my h and he loves me to death, he would do anything for me but it's really one sided our marriage. I sometimes wonder if I should have left and stayed single for awhile, maybe I would appreciate what I have with h more.
I go through these stages where I don't think of mm for months and then all of a sudden he is on my mind like crazy and then I start thinking why am I doing this again to myself? It's over, there's no going back, he made his choice why are you wasting time thinking of him?
Then the old, does he go through this like I do? Does he think of me? We were very serious, his w always said she had no doubts in her mind he was long gone but she went to every extreme she could, threatening suicide, leaving the state with their son and telling him he would have to go through legal hell before he would see him again and of course ruining him financially. She has said had she not done this, he would have left. It took about two weeks after she was told about me for mm to decide what he was going to do.
Knowing these things, I wonder, how happy he really is, is he like me, questioning his motives for staying? I know it's easy to say, but if he really loved you it wouldn't have mattered, but anyone who thinks that in my opinion is dead wrong.
Fear of losing respect from your family, fear of walking away with nothing, fear of the unknown as far as I am concerned is everything. I always figured it was a positive, at least the man had a concience, he would not leave w without her agreement it was over and there was no chance of it working out.
Anyways, I just wish I knew when the hurt COMPLETELY goes away and when as someone said the reminders like songs, movies, seeing the same car as his goes un-noticed, I just wish I could be free of my memories of him and the what if's.

Thanks, Peaceful, for your update... I have a few questions/observations for you:
As you find yourself "daydreaming/wondering about xMM" and feeling guilty about your reasons for staying with yor husband, I wonder if you ever did fully resolve the underlying dissension within your marriage that you relied upon to have your affair in the first place. So, what about you? Husband loves you dearly, and you feel it's a "one-sided marriage".
Dear Peaceful:
Thank you for your post. I am on my way to getting to where you are. My A ended 14 months ago and I have had mostly NC but brief periods of contact when xMM would contact me. When he contacted me, he would say that he was in pain too and missing me very much, it sounded as bad as I was missing him. In some ways that comforted me. But he never made a move to leave or changed his mind about staying with his W. Oftentimes he would say the timing wasn't right and that maybe someday. But I never would continue the A and usually he would start NC again. Last time--4 months ago--I was stronger and really pushed for NC.
I am so proud of you for keeping your dignity and respecting his wishes with NC. I left my H 14 months ago and xMM didn't follow through which was why our A ended. But I decided to get a D. I have been incredibly lonely as I had never lived alone and had been with my xH for 24 years since I was 16. But I never missed xH even though I still to this day love him as my dearest family member. I always pictured xMM having it so easy because he stayed in his cosy family environment and I blew everything apart and only see my kids half the time now.
But I am cautiously dating now and it helps me push xMM back in my mind. I notice I miss him most when my kids are acting up or I can't pay all the bills, or I'm lonely. Part of the A was the 'escape' from my real life. So I am trying to face my real life and just make it better if I don't like it instead of escaping into missing xMM. I do think of him all day every day, but finally there are some minutes when I am free from him in my head and I'm hoping if I keep NC as long as you it will be less and less.
I wish he would have chosen me but he didn't and so I will respect his choice and believe that it was the best choice for him. I think my D was the best choice for me even though it has been very difficult so far--I just feel true to myself and I believe that God will forgive me.
I am sorry you are still sad--I am too--but there is nothing to go back to we must let the past rest and we have our honor and dignity when we do the right thing.
Keep me posted because I want to get out of it completely someday too.
Survive