Ended M, but still in A
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| Sat, 03-19-2005 - 6:26pm |
Some of you know my story. What's troubling me is that i am finally out my marriage--after anguishing over that decision for 2 years--and continue to be in an EMA (this is my second XMA. The first was an emotional affair only, if that means anything). I want to be free of an affair. I want to be with someone who I can really be with. Who my children can meet. Who i can go to the movies with, out to dinner, to the park for a picnic. Instead, i still find myself still in a secretive relationship--grabbing moments here and there--and all the stress that goes with that--hiding.
Today, i have the entire day to myself as my boys are with their dad, and cannot be with my MM. He was here for a while, but had to go--as he always does. It just hurts. I want to be in a healthy relationship--but I still continue to hang on to this. I know in time, and i think he does too, that i will eventually leave this relationship too, so i can finally be healthy.
I have no idea if he will leave his wife. She seems to be taking steps to repair what little they have left. (They've been married 8 years--both of them married very late in life.) She recently started going to AA. She is severly depressed--and goes to bed most nights (never getting up) between 5:30 and 7 p.m. They have little interaction anymore at home, but for fighting. He describes himself as sad and lonely. But one day he will tell me how awful things are--and then a few days later, that his W is "suddenly doing better." I told him i was not going to allow my future to be dependent on his wife's moods. I really don't ask anymore, all of it hurts.
While i think he wants to leave her, I feel he is in the process of evaluating me to see if things would work out between us if he does. None of that feels good either. He worries about how he will be seen professionally if he does leave her. He's made a number of personal and professional missteps in his life--and he thinks those in his world will think he's just messed up his life again if he divorces.
There really is no logical conclusion to this post. Except, being in an A--and being constantly in a state of evaluating whether or not you should stay--is a most exhausting thing.
Clarice

clarice,
do u like fava beans , looks like your MM is a fence sitter, u said it yourself that he is evaluating u, if he wants to be with u, then he should have made a decision a long time ago
my 2 cents, i hope u are doing something to keep u busy, im now the pain is real
max
Clarice, tell MM to call you when he's single.
And stop calling him.
You DESERVE full attention. That's what you already told MM. And he already knows what he needs to do to be with you.
End of conversations unless he's single.
Or you just keep up abusing yourself, whining about what "he's" not doing.
It's not about him or his choice.
It about YOUR choice and YOUR life. A WHOLE life out in the open or a lying sneak......
What's your choice?