ended in person

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
ended in person
7
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:52am
I am not sure where to begin. I just got back and I have been up for 24 hours. I flew down this morning and he met me at the airport. We spent 3 hours together at a park just talking.

I had at first wanted to let him know how much he had hurt me, and let him see all my pain. I also wanted to be able to get more of an explanation and closure and be able to move on.

Yet the more I thought about it- the more I realized I did not want him to remember me as whining and thinking- gosh I am glad that is over...so I took the high road. I said I am glad that you met me today and that we can have some closure. We talked alot about his XW and how much she had hurt him. I tried in my own way to let him know that I understood where he was coming.

I tried to explain where I thought I was right now and that I respected his decision and it was a thin line for me to be able to tell him what I was feeling and yet not make him defensive. He felt as though it would just not work for a variety of reasons...none of which he could really elaborate on when I tried to ask. It is so strnage. I asked again about another woman and said I thought maybe there was someone else that you met and wanted to date and have sex with...he wouldn't budge. He said he will have a hard time figuring out who wants him for him vs who wants a doctor. He would have to think long and hard about things.

He said many nice things and said he was sorry that he hurt me again and that our second time around meant so much to him -- He said all that he said and did he meant. It is hard for me to sort out what is true and what isn't. So much had been said over the years...He said he did not believe each of us had just one soul mate...and that there was someone out there for me just like there was someone out there ofr him. There were so many things said and left unsaid but it is my choice to leave them unsaid.

We laughed about alot of things and the talk came easily -- as it always has. There was really no awkwardness...He looked great-- which I told him did not help. He had lost weight from his D and was lifting weights with his son and some of his son's friends 4 x a week...it was really hard to see him.

As I left the car I just said goodbye and did not look back. So yes I did tell him that I needed to be able to forgive him - I just can't go on being mad-- I needed to do that for me...and he understood.

I have some stuff that I need to send at some point, but I can't do it just yet. That will have to wait.

Thanks for being there-tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: tb1004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 6:05am
"Hugs"...I've been following your posts you should be proud of yourself, facing and forgiving someone who's hurt you is the hardest thing to do and you were very brave to meet him face to face. I'm not there yet, too much anger too much hurt, but you give me inspiration.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: tb1004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 7:22am
Lady you showed a lot of CLASS and courage, well done

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
In reply to: tb1004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:05am
Well done. You should be proud. You are clearly a woman in much pain. However, you have much dignity. From what I have read...he lost a real prize. Now comes the hard part...stay busy busy and maintain NC. Good luck to you...you will prevail.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: tb1004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 10:35am
Good for you!! Things are still going to be hard as you work on healing from the hurt, BUT -- you can feel really good about yourself and the way you handled everything, because it sounds like you handled it with dignity and class. The poor guy should be kicking himself for letting you go. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
In reply to: tb1004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 9:11pm
Thanks so much for all the support. I don't feel very good about me right now- but I know this is definitely a much better way to have ended things. I am not sure I feel any better or know anything more than I did 24 hours ago-- except he looks great. I did not need to know that. He had lots of people telling him how wonderful he looks and what a jerk his wife was. He is now a eligible D doctor that looks great and he has lots of friends fixing him up I am sure. He is romantic and funny and smart and athletic.

I now think- be careful what you wish for-- I wanted him to be D...only I wanted it after me or after I had figured things out. It all just happened too quickly and I did not handle it well at all. The whole idea of wanting him to wait for 5 years for me was a bit ludicrous...but when he agreed it was just so nice.

It is only a day and I miss him so much. I know it will get easier, but I miss the friendship. Now I know I need to keep busy-- but it is sometimes hard-- I am a doctor too and sometimes hearing people complain just makes me want to cry...it is hard to be empathetic when you are hurting so much inside.

So how do you hold everything inside? How do you get by when you don't have a soul you can tell?

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to: tb1004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 11:20am
<<<<< I don't feel very good about me right now- but I know this is definitely a much better way to have ended things.>>>>>

Dear tb1004,

I am relatively new here and don't know your story, but I had to tell you that your post saddened me and now I have a lump in my throat. Goodbyes are so painful, yet at the same time, so necessary. You may not feel so wonderful about it now (too soon), but you have given yourself a great gift; You've planted the seeds that will help you to heal. My philosophy is "One day at a time." Whenever you drift back into a moment of "yesterday", counteract that thought with something positive like, "I'm a smart lady" or "I'm a great person." These affirmations eventually will have you believing them. Trust me, it works, and one day (it will come)you will surprise yourself by actually feeling good. I just eneded a 4-year affair, (let it die it's own natural death), by refusing to feed the memories as I actually began work on myself at the same time. Out of the blue, the heaviness in my heart is gone, and I am back on track to liking myself again.

Hang in there and be strong....for yourself.

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
In reply to: tb1004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 3:40pm
Thanks so much. I can't really explain what happened but when I saw him - it was my best friend standing there. I just could not let go of that thought. I knew he never meant to hurt me. For whatever reason he felt like it would no longer work and in a sense it is better to know that now than later.

In my mind who I was over the past few months was a different person. I posted on the other board that he was willing to wait 5 years for me and most thought that was crazy and unfair to all involved. As I thought about it I realized that was true...I tried to get to the same place as he was as quickly as possible. I did not realize what was happening to me. I became moody and manipulative and not fun. As I sank deeper into the sinkhole I would check in to make sure we were OK and he would always say yes. I was clearly depressed and was trying to sort things out in my mind alone.

He said he got to the point where he was trying to convince himself that things were still OK...but they weren't. I can't change what had happened and how I acted; but he needed to move on for himself so he could be happy. He truly believes that we could not be happy together and there is nothing that I can do 1000 miles away to convince him otherwise. I know that. If I was near we could have the distance and maybe things would work out...but that can't happen.

He is still hurting so much over D and I could see that pain in his eyes. She left him after 19 years of M...that is only a few months ago. At one point - he asked me if he was ever abusive to me...I was so shocked. He said W tells everyone that he yells at her and was emotionally abusive. His side is she would say things in a very calm voice that just would be like sticking a knife in his heart and turning it. He would react and sometimes raise his voice and then she would again blame him. He is still reeling from it. I have know him for 20+ years and he has never done anything like that. He rarely ever raised his voice to me--- and believe me sometimes I tried to get him mad at me ...years ago.

So now as I think about things I know that I was just pushing my M to end so I could be there with him and it was driving a wedge between us. I was being miserable to everyone and that is not me. I tend ot be a very positive person and always see the good in others. I love outdoorsy things and love being in great shape. Over the past few months I have done nothing for me except make my life and the life of my H and now xDM(divorced man??) miserable. Memorial Day weekend when I decided it was basically over with H and I just was so hyper I could not get xDM on the phone - I felt that pang of panic and it was so unhealthy. Now I realize that what he saw was his W who D him calls 4-5 times a day and he had to put up with that and now me- I was calling and asking him to help make me happy as I was sinking deeper in this sinkhole...I was thinking I would be out soon and back to normal...but I did not know what it was doing to him.

We spent alot of time talking about his xW and what she had done. At one point he said- I should not tell you this but...and described the mental agony that was amazingly cruel that she would put him through...she very rarely had sex with him and let's just say she appeased herself without him. He hurt so much. It was awful.

He is finally at a place where he is happy and feels as though he knows what he wants and what will make him happy in a relationship. It breaks my heart that I have lost him as my mate-- but even more than that I do not know how to go on without his friendship. The sex for me was always a minor part. Seeing him again made me realize that if we ended now I would probably lose his friendship and that was devastating to me. No one knows me like he does...that is why I have to believe that for whatever reason he feels it won't work-- that has to be true. He knows me too well. I have to trust that he knows what he is doing. God it is so hard.