Ended A, told my H, his W knows, too
Find a Conversation
Ended A, told my H, his W knows, too
| Wed, 02-24-2010 - 4:18pm |
I've known AP for 16 years. I had a very short lived A with him. A few encounters. Recently his W told me that my AP has been talking bad about me for the last 8 months. He says I come on to him, make him uncomfortable, put him in "weird" situations, and I want him. Well, this is the furthest from the truth. He pursued me, and I eventually gave in. I am not a victim in this. But I eventually broke down and told his W everything when we talked. She had already thrown him out for other reasons,

Hello-
I am so sorry you are experiencing pain and dealing with some fear. My H reacted the same way after our first D Day (yes, I say first because I didn't learn my lesson after the first D Day and kept the A going- stupid stupid stupid). Anyway, I was so afraid that my H was going to hurt xAP. I urged him not to and he eventually calmed down. I am sure your H will too. Give him some time to get over the shock. Whatever you do, don't defend your xAP- this will only infuriate him. He already feels betrayed, Don't make it worse. I promise it will get better. You are in the crossfire right now. Hang in there and stick around here for support.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I am so sorry for you. D-Day is horrific, I know because I had one. Even though I was S at the time XMM W made me feel like the garbage I was acting like
I'm really sorry that you're in turmoil. You've done some really brave things today like confessing to your husband and now I suppose you're going to have to be even braver and accept how he deals with it. It sounds like he is angry but there is a glimmer there that he loves you in that he wants to "kick his face in" and wants to keep you around.
Affairs don't help anyone and the fallout is pretty ugly.
NC since 2/4/2010
Iwork ~
Welcome to endings and I am sorry it's under such painful conditions. You did the right thing by coming clean with your H before he heard it from someone else. Of course he is furious, hurt, and feels betrayed but he will calm down some, at least in the 2-3 weeks that AP is out of town.
I can't imagine AP saying all those nasty things about you unless his W already confronted him, and this was his way of covering his behind. She may have said she filed for D, but you can't believe everything you hear. Your best move right now would be to block your AP and his wife from being able to reach you. By doing this, you are sending the message that you are finished with this 3 ring circus.
Now is the time to do everything you can to appease your hurting H. I would suggest you read our Healing Library and start learning how to deal with the ending of this A. You have to accept that it is now over and NOT feel sorry for the AP. He's a big boy who got himself into this mess, and he can figure out a way to get out. Do not take this further underground by keeping in contact with him because this will only add fuel to the fire.
Please keep reading here and let us know how things are going.
((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
I totally agree with you. I guess that came off wrong. I just meant that it wasn't the way he made it sound the last several months. He had been telling EVERYONE, including his W, that I was the one who always hit on him and I was the one who made him uncomfortable, etc. It was humiliating. I was just as much a part which is why I said, I'm no victim. I am 100% responsible for my actions. I just hate that this guy makes it sound like he was a victim and he had no part in anything that happened. But as for me, I am responsible for myself. I did let it go WAY too far. I allowed everything that happened to happen. He didn't rape me or anything - I knew what was going on and I let it happen, again and again.
Thanks to everyone for the advice and comments. It is comforting that most people on here are understanding and know what each other is going through.
I can't really avoid x-AP's W. We work in the same building. I do know that she filed for divorce. She showed me the paperwork - it's been filed and ready to serve as soon as he's back in town. And not only that, she told me some other stuff he's done, while she was