EndED:Not making much progress, again...
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| Mon, 11-15-2004 - 6:17am |
after having successfully shipped over my ExA's birthday (I did not send that letter) and having gotten rid of my keepsakes of him, after having cleared my house + computer, I still can't clear my mind. The stray-cat I told you about seems here to stay (which is a nice thing, we enjoy her a lot, we named her "XXL", "Fatso" for short:-)--- but so seem the memory of + the questions to my ExA... and I so desperately wish it was getting better.
OK, so the questions are not as pressing as they were. The fact that he's married now I can think about without much pain nowadays, and it helps a lot to scrap that stupid picture (which I saw for a long time) of him turning up on my doorstep one day and wanting me back -- or is this not about the DANGER of thinking about him being "all alone, boohoo, and so able to come back" but rather about the perverse COMFORT of seeing him in the situation I was used to seeing him, i.e., partnered??? Ah, here she goes, mind reeling again... forward, yes, but so excruciatingly slow.
I don't even think that I WOULD want him back - thoughts of seeing him by a stupid chance or him contacting me only draw feelings of embarrassment and real fear. I really wouldn't know what to say to him, and it's been such a long time now (1 1/2 years). On the other hand there is a great fear that we might meet (there is not much chance of that) and could mentally be as close as we were in a very short time.
So, still he lingers, even with all my knowledge and analysis - proof of this I find in the fact that I keep coming back to this board (apart from seeing if I might help somewhere) to see if there is someone else who is in my situation (and feeling terrible to see such a lot of women still in the the middle of it all...).
An aside: I feel that no one who really successfully and for all times has found real closure of an affair will feel the need/wish to come (back) to this board, even if only to help: I think those of us who really "made it" will not have any strong emotions about affairs any longer and are not interested in the subject at all any more. They will not want to invest time and thought in something they are completely done with.
But I'm still here and I feel I should not be. I should not still foster the wish that the affair should just tell me once that he profited of this thing we had (I think he did, if only in shaking him up and putting his life is order again AFTER us); that he did love me - when I KNOW (I have it in writing) that, in the end, he was only embarrassed by the whole thing, regretted it deeply and wanted nothing more than to forget it.
I shouldn't still be livid about him asserting his ever-leading role in the affair (and belittleling mine) by stating in his goodbye-letter "I (!) should never have let it come to this/never should have gone this far with you" when, for long months, he held onto me like a lifeline, for all he was worth... But I still AM so angry about that; it's the thing that hurt most of all.
And I should NOT be something like envious (can you believe this?!) at those of us who's affair won't keep NC, still contacts them, maybe wants them back, at least tells them he loved and misses them still... these thoughts are so bad for me and it pains so much that I have them.
My "braveness/strength" to keep NC was none: HE was the one who kept it. I've only recently started to feel the humiliation of writing him again and again (which I did for quite a while), whereas he was able to only answer mails of mine which were "sentiment-free", free of answer-searching, "friend"-mails, so to say. I couldn't keep up those, of course. He was so sensible in this - and I was such a yammering, reduced cry-baby. It's hard to forgive myself for this.
Can't I get closure because I want another chance (which I'd use better than the last) to show him that I have power/strength, too? To tell HIM to go away (which would have been my real-self-reaction before this guy)? I changed so much through him, for the worse, and I can't seem to get my former, stronger self back. But I don't want to prove his words right: "Oh God - I probably ruined your whole life!" He can't be THIS powerful, can he?
I wanna be free - not the freedom to say "all men who do affairs are a**holes etc. and all women are stupid if they can't see they're doing wrong after 1 second in the affair" p.p. Lingering angry thoughts (also general ones) bind you just as much as loving ones. To me it feels now like ANY thought about an ended affair is just an unacknowledged/unconscious means to not-let-go-entirely, to keep SOMEthing of it = to avoid complete closure. How to conquer this?
I'm really trying, but don't seem to be moving; it feels more like sinking again and again back to a place I have been before often and I don't want to go to any more. Something like caving in without breaking NC.
Any thoughts of you on this? I appreciate your answers,
M.

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Dear WITW:
How are you doing? In reading this message board with all the 'FRESH' pain doesn't it make you realize that you and I have actually moved somewhat forward in our healing? Our pain and sadness is not fresh anymore. In fact, I would say that I am not in actual pain any longer although the pain is just over for a few months now. It used to be if I had a couple days here and there without pain it WAS SUCH A RELIEF and I mean maybe three in two months!!! Now I don't feel the pain, just emptiness, but now I have a couple days here and there where I have some positive feelings and maybe even HOPE for my future without XMM. Don't you too? I think that is progress--slow, but sure. It has really helped me to read Pals situation because I can relive my ending last fall through her and see that I survived it.
Anyway, I can't believe you are German because your English is so perfect. I think you should be a writer, I think you have a gift.
I think time heals all wounds (no matter how you spend the time--even despite yourself)
Survive
That was a really powerful post and it moved me. I know how you feel when you say that NC was put upon you, you had no choice because he wanted the NC and implemented it. There was a time when XOM implemented the NC with me and I wanted that text, that email...that call...ANYTHING to prove to me that he was in agony as much as I were. All the time I was in NC and trying to be brave..putting on a brave front in front of others I was wishing that he'd break it. That HE would be the one to try and break it. So I could get my dignity back...just a little bit of my dignity.
I'm not sure what it is about these relationships that make it so hard for us to move on. Maybe we dont' want to give up on the dream that we had. Dreams that the A would somehow evolve into a "real" relationship after the practicalities of leaving spouses was over and done with. I just think it is so sad.
There are those that have moved on successfully that come back here and post. It is nice to see, but when you are in the throes of the pain it is hard to imagine ever being that strong...ever getting past it to the point where you are glad it is over and have a new love in your life, etc.
I will never have an A again. NOTHING was worth this kind of pain. I am glad that it ended with XOM still loving me and wanting me in his life somehow, and not with us fighting or hating eachother. Still, I have that anger that you mention...and it has the capacity to make me physically ill as I am now from it.
Maybe you feel that you aren't making progress but you are. It is just a relapse of sorts. Some kind of trigger brings back emotions that feel so raw. I think for me this is just some kind of karmic punishment and a cross that I have to bear for the rest of my life.....I am not going to ever be completely "over" my A and this relationship that was truly the love of my life. I am not going to deny that anymore or apologize for it. This is it...I am not making progress either and the time heals all wounds thing doesn't apply to me. I can' only hope that I can go on and live the rest of my life with some sort of peace and dignity.
Jazzdiva
Survive,
You really are inspirational and you have opened my eyes with some of the things that you said.
You say that you think of your AP all day every day. Wow! I was ashamed to admit that, but I feel like that is something I'll be doing for the rest of my days. Carrying it around with you and just making peace with the fact that you will do that is freeing ina sense. It is okay to harbor these feelings and to know it is just something that you have to live with....like cancer.
Please keep posting. I need to hear from people like you that have made peace with the fact that this pain is real and not going to dissolve one day.
Jazzdiva
Jazzdiva
Thanks for asking - at the moment I'm doing great! I've just come back from a week in London, I stayed with my (now)oldest friend (30 years now...) Liz, who so enjoyed having me there. My H was with me for 3 days and I stayed on a bit (I lived in London fronm 1979-81). I had the most wonderful time. We talked a lot (relationships, affairs, life in general and how getting older feels), I saw and did a lot, got new viewpoints and X-mas presents. I just CAN'T tell you what that visit did for me concerning my mental health, enjoyment of life and ALL that...
So that's where my English comes from ;-)(plus university). Thank you SO much for your praise - I could use some of that...xx. Lots of my friends have asked me why I don't write a book... SIGH. I've read enough to know I'm most likely not good enough - but then Liz now has given me a book about developing my creative side ;-)) we'll see how that helps.
Going away on my own also was a very good idea: My dear H (we missed each other lots) has gone crazy with X-mas lights here and I came home to a right blaze!! He cleaned the house, bought oranges and a gigantic X-mas-star-plant (don't know how you call that in English), kept me informed via SMS exactly how the cat was doing and that the devil slept in the sitting room... (he's too afraid to pick him up to put him outside :-))... I'm not used to him being THIS attentive! I love it. He just let me kbnow he missed me and cares about our relationship. Now: What more can you ask pre-X-mas? Maybe a really kitschy, silly fish with a huge glittry-lipticked mouth that has pots + pans on his head and says "Domestic Goddess"?? Well, I got that in London....
I'm probably not very coherent here, sorry 'bout this, but I could just sing + dance - if my feet weren't in such a sad state... and time spent this way DOES heal, I've seen it.
Maybe next time more about the ended A --- and then, maybe not. Right now, I wish everyonoe could share my joy, and just snap out of longing, grieving etc., just for a minute.
Holding this to my heart and moving forward,
M.
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