enders vs. endees?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
enders vs. endees?
16
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 2:58pm

So I'm trying to work through something - and I'm curious with how both sides of the coin feel.....


As an ender (it was me who cut things off) - I hit a point where my day to day life became more of a burden and unhappy event with him than it brought joy, or laughter or love - I had a lot of the enoughs that I read down in the healing library - especially a few that struck chords with me like enough of carrying my phone to the bathroom and to bed so I didn't miss ONE text or call - I'm almost 40 for crying out loud...anyway - I wonder if for those who are endees, and who didn't have the choice - but are dealing felt the enoughs too?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 7:24pm

Willow


Your ending was worse than mine, if I remember rightly and mine was terrible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 9:08pm
How long has it been? I sure hope it gets better. I had the worst night last night that I have had since it happened. I think the first few weeks were not as bad as the last month has been because maybe I had hope that I would hear something and I was also kind of in shock. I guess now I am coming to terms with the fact that is really,truly over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 10:49pm

It has been 20 weeks and I absolutely know how you are feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 6:47pm

You described what I am going through perfectly. You do know exactly how I feel. It has been 10 weeks since he has contacted me in anyway. So I am right behind you. He really fooled me, I really expected I would hear from him. I really thought along with my friend (who has know since the beginning and who read a lot of my texts from him when we were still in the A) that even if I decided to end things, he would not accept it being over. He really was the needy one in the relationship. I think that makes it even harder to understand.

I don't remember if I posted this quote I read but it has been true for me. "Cruel words can hurt you but silence breaks your heart."

Thanks so much for your encouragement. It helps to know you have had the same feelings and are now getting better. It gives me hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 8:08pm

Exi-

See - you put my thoughts into your words so much better than I was able. I was struggling with what it must feel like to be on the other side of the coin - trying to relate to whatever xAP was feeling and reality of my life at the time. I was trying to understand why someone would hang on to something that was so clearly uncomfortable and strugglesome when the answer seems easy in some ways to just cut losses and move on.

"to the last day he was hell bent on the fact that cutting contact completely with somebody "who shared what we shared" is downright cold, and has more to do with my issues and my inability to handle things than anything else."

Oh Exi - this is exactly what happened with me - it was MY overreaction, MY issue, MY problems - but at the end of the day all I could do was shake my head and say - but what were we sharing? Lie after lie after lie that was taking us nowhere and wasn't even bringing us happiness and fog anymore?

Thank you all for your insight - it has helped me to relate to my feelings and allowed me to see why he reacted in the ways he did.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 10:30pm

lolly,

your welcome, and THANK YOU for this post. it really helped me also. i often feel like a bad guy on this board amongst a lot of endees whose AP's dumped them and abandoned them. when i read posts about how AP's expected their partners to be around sometimes and disappear when they weren't needed, or how much they expected their AP to play 2nd fiddle, or how they never intended to leaeve their spouses, i think "holy $hit, thats me. i used and abused my AP. i have no right to feel any pain". but all i wanted to do at the end of my A was beg my AP to understand. to understand that i did care about him, but i simply couldn't keep up the charade. the fog was starting to lift and the fact that the whole thing was a lie was coming in to focus.

my AP was on the verge of divorce and his whole life crumbled because of the A. i avoided a full on d-day, cut off the A, and am focusing on starting anew. i know AP resents me for what he considers to be "escaping unscathed". i know i'm not unscathed. i feel like a part of my soul has ripped, and that i'm now less of a person, that i'll never be a good person again. that i've incurred oceans of bad karma. that i've become something i dont recognize. no, i haven't lost my H. but i've lost myself, and that is a million times worse.

lolly, what you and I did, was take decisive action instead of staying in circular negotiations. our xAPs were desperate to hang on, but not because things were wonderful and fantastic, but because they were so scared of what would happen to them if they let go. i've read some posts on here that say that NC is the biggest gift you can give you AP. i dont think i'll be getting a thank you card any time. my AP may never understand why i need to close that chapter of my life. he will probably always feel like i used him and discarded him when it was no longer convenient for me. and you know what? that's a valid perspective. what i feel is that i was in a horrible place in my life when the A began, but slowly i realized that the A was only making things worse. i feel SO different now...i haven't seen him in over a month, and have been LC since then, meaning a stray text or email. i know, unacceptable, but for me, its a big step and i'm continuing to work on maintaining full NC.

so thank you lolly for giving me a forum to talk about my ender experience. its nice to know that others have shared similar experiences!

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