ENDING an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
ENDING an affair
25
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 2:11pm
Hi guys,

Something's been irritating me about this board and I'm just wondering if any of you feel the same way.

Recently there have been some new posters here who have told their stores and have been made kind of unwelcome.

I guess this is because their Affairs have not ended completely. I'll use Lovesec as an example...

She said she was going to end her affair and so to me it would seem that this is the right board as she is...ENDING an affair. She had some pretty negative replies and has chosen to delete her post which I think is kinda wrong. It was a fun post that encouraged us to write down the negative points of our XOM. It wasn't indicating that she was not going to end her affair, nor was it encouraging anyone to resume theirs so what is the problem?

There has been a few posts like this and I think it's a shame.

These people are attempting to END their affairs and are looking for support in which to do so.

Maybe you should request that the boards name be changed to, affairs that have end-ED. Maybe then you will recieve less posts from those who are IN THE PROCESS of ending their affair.

This board is intimidating enough as it is.

JMHO

m x.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:29pm
I can only speak for myself here, cocktail. It's so, so difficult to disentangle ourselves from these affairs. We often speak of them as an addiction. They ruin marriages, wreak havoc, nothing good comes from them. There are many people on here really struggling to maintain no contact, on XMM's birthdays, when they need an escape, whatever. Their reason for struggling isn't an issue. The thing is, that when someone is on here planning their last romp in the hay before ending the A, it's just too difficult for me to be exposed to. I shore up every ounce of resolve somedays not to impulsively make that phone call to XMM that just might be the very one that ruins my marriage. I come here and expose my weaknesses so that posters like Free and True and Posie can call me on my sh*t.

We're dealing with live and death here, and if you don't believe that, read some of the recent posts from our friends whose marriages are falling apart before their eyes, who are terminating pregnancies, and who are seeking professional help for severe depression. Although levity is often a good tension breaker, nothing here is to be taken lightly.

Just for me, it's discouraging to log on here to vent because I'm struggling to maintain NC, and read a post from someone whose excited about ending the A but is still planning a final f**k. That's just totally inconsistent with the support we offer each other. A post discussing our XMM's negative traits isn't harmful, but that same poster was still in the throes of her A.

This is serious stuff. This board is my sanity when I feel it falling apart. Some days or some minutes I need someone to knock some sense into my head and deal with the reality that is my life - not the reality I created by escaping to an A.

JMHO - if there's any desire whatsoever to remain in an A, another support board might be more appropriate. Some of us are struggling here. This board isn't called "Thinking About Ending an Affair", or "Pros and Cons of Ending an Affair," either.

Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 4:46pm
Thank you.

Once people come to this board - someone has ended the A or is trying to. And for all those who have not been through the stages that I and the newbies say we are going through are lying. They have moved to different stages - and I am glad for them.

almost all posters have broken NC - isn't that what happens to most A's that are ending? the struggle to get to that point and find the strengh to do so........

I will continue to post regardless of the lack of support from some of the clickish posters.

We all made the same mistake - no one should cast stones
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 6:10pm

Ditto and well replied.....(n/t)


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 6:55pm
<<>>

WMC,

Lovesec deleted her original post because she got a guilty conscience regarding all the nasty things she had said about her soon to be XMM, (still curious to see how this plays out ;) She posted her concerns on the "Affair Support" board which I see has since been deleted by their community leader, because some of those girls were dissing members on this board.

Bottom line is that ITA with the members who are in concensus with not needing salt rubbed in old, new or seeping wounds. If you are still with your lover, then you are on the wrong board.

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 7:38pm
Mo,

Just wanted to give you a heartfelt hug for your "bare to the bone" post that echoes my sentiments to the "T" ! (((((((MO))))))

Thanks,

True

 

 

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 8:32pm
Hiya Wheres,

The whole course of my affair was on again/off again, stopping/starting, breaking up only to make up again. You could say that I was attempting to end my affair for the entire nearly 4yr period. Just my own opinion, but I don't believe it would have been appropriate for me to post here for nearly 4yrs while I rode my personal emotional rollercoaster.

I know when I stepped off that roller coaster, Wheres, because it is very much a conscious decision. That's it. No more. None. Finito. The End. In mid-January I was actively ending my affair.

I am also acutely aware of the precise moment I chose to hop right back onboard that roller coaster during my major backslide of about a week in May. It didn't just happen, I had to make a decision. I had to choose. And I know, too, the very moment when I stepped OFF that ride again also in May. At *that* point I was again ending my affair rather than actively in it.

My point here is that you KNOW when you are on or off the emotional roller coaster. It takes a conscious decision to do so. And it takes resolve, and will power, and far more courage & strength than you believe you have at the time, but you can do it if it is what you *want* to do.

Eventually, somehow you find that just by securing yourself by whatever means necessary you can just about resist the pull backwards. Sometimes it's in self-knowledge and self-awareness, and sometimes it's simply a matter of keeping your head down and forcibly working against the pull until you get to a place where the pull isn't so bad anymore. A moment's respite. A place where the pull isn't so strong that working against it no longer drains, exhausts & knocks the wind out of you. And you rest here a moment and look *back* over your shoulder at just how far you've come and you *decide* that you never ever want to be there again.

When you look *forward* again, and begin to move onwards again, it's -here- at this point where all things are possible, Wheres. It's at this oasis that your shackles finally fall off. It's here where you finally see that the excrutiating struggle to get here was worth every moment, every tear, every ounce of pain. And until you've seen that oasis for yourself with your very own eyes & felt it with your very own soul, there really are no words to describe the beauty and the freedom it truly brings.

When I wish someone "strength & peace" it's not a casual thing. It's not something I read somewhere and thought sounded nice so I'd sign off with it. It's because it is my hope that that recipient will dig down deep enough to find his or her very own oasis where all that strength & peace lays. I can't show it to you, I can't lead you there, I can't even give you a map to find it because my oasis will be in a very different place to yours or anyone elses'. And I wouldn't dare cheat anyone of their very own expedition in finding it for themselves.

The travellers on this torturous road have my utmost respect and admiration as well as every smidgeon of my support in whatever manner I can give it to them. My thoughts are that these weary, footsore travellers deserve someplace they can come without being subjected to others' rollercoaster rides. Somewhere they may begin to look forward rather than back and share their stories of their travels with others on the same road. To discuss the rock they didn't see which they nearly twisted an ankle upon, to discuss the rock they DID see and carefully avoided so that they could continue onwards.

The ones who are simply taking in the sights or even just checking out the street signs whilst still on their roller coaster, well, I guess they should continue to enjoy the ride until they're ready to hop off and join us.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:26pm
"if you are still with your lover, you are on the wrong board"

well for me, I might never had ended my A if I wasn't welcome on this board while I was still with my MM. I read & posted here for months before I finally ended my A. This board helped me find my way to end my A. I started reading & posting here in 11/02 and ended my A in April 03.

I thank god and everyone on here for offering me support, ideas and hope while I found my way to freedom.

now at the same time, I wasn't posting rationalizations about the good things about having an A but I did post arguments against NC -- though, when I ended my A the final time in 4/03, I went full on NC and it worked.

anyway, just wanted to let posters know that even if you're still in the A, I think you should be welcome here. You can't go to an AA meeting when you're drinking, but you can come back when you've sobered up after a slip.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:34pm
hi there everyone--

Interesting thread. I agree that with the fact that once people come to this board they have ended the A or are trying to end it. And, yes, all of us are at different stages of recovery from our As. As has been discussed here, people move through the stages at different speeds. We all try to maintain NC, and, yes, many of us end up breaking the NC at one time or another, and feel badly that we have to start over. At those times we post here and get support. That's what we are all here for.

I come to this board with an open mind and to offer (hopefully!) sensible advice--even when I think soemone is thinking like a crazy person :-) We draw our strength from offering advice to others, and by reading what others are going through and learning from their mistakes and their insights.

I remember when I first starting reading posts here--it was such an eye-opener! I lurked for a long time before I had any idea how I was going to dismantle my A. I was still in my A full blast when I stumbled across this board, and it was all of you who have been posting here who helped me gain (1) the knowledge of the true nature of an A relationship and (2) the strength I needed to call it quits for all the right reasons.

When you say there is lack of support from some writers (many of whom have been here a long time and have worked very hard to end their As), I think you have to remember that they have heard it all before; they may seem to have lack of patience, but sometimes their tougher insights are just what we need to get us off our duffs to make a change, either in behavior or attitude. So cut them a bit of a break.

But let's give the new people a break too. I haven't been here very long, and I still feel at risk soometimes--this is a long recovery process and I am still taking baby steps. There are probably quite a few "lurkers" who visit this board who are where I was when I first visited--they know they need to end their As, but don't yet know how. We "regular" posters all know how dumb it is to have "that one last romp," or to make that one more contact when we are really missing our AP, or all those other stupid things we write about here -- we have heard so many stories and we have talked some of them to death. The people who have just started to end their As need our support too. They don't belong on the other board if they are trying to end it--if they change their minds and go back to the A, then they can get booted back to the other board. But when they get brave enough to post, sure I will give them a hard time about the stupid things they still are doing, but I will give them the same advice I would to anyone else who has expressed interest in ending things. It hasn't been so long for me that I have forgotten how hard it is just to get to the point where you say "This is enough. It ends here." Then the rest of the journey begins for them, and we can be there to help them.

All the best to each of you, no matter where you are in your journey. I hope this helps :-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:41pm
Oh Please, not the "stones" again...............
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 12:41am
I couldn't agree with you more, Cocktail - where is our compassion? There are many stories here. Some of us want the final conversation, the closure. Some of us might want to justify a final fling. Some contemplate revenge. Some backslide. Some don't know if they're ready for NC. There's been anger, despair, humor, bitterness, guilt, self-loathing, and lots of painful self-revelation to total strangers here, all in an effort to find our way. Often this board is the only place we can open up. We need a safe place to share our stories and feelings, no matter how unpleasant they are, without being judged harshly. We all struggle with NC. For many, it's two steps forward, one step back, sometimes way too many steps backward. We are all at different points on this journey.

I can understand that reading some posts might bring up very painful issues for some readers, or that they may disagree with how someone else is going about ending - or making the decision to end - an affair. I can also understand that for some of us, reading the final fling story is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. If it's that distressing to you, then SKIP THOSE POSTS, or read them, grit your teeth, and MOVE ON. But please, PLEASE don't discourage someone who came here for help, even if you disagree with their viewpoint.

BTW, I have not read any of the posts in question. I just read this thread after spending the day thinking about how compassion is apparently on its way out in our sad, beautiful nation today. I've received so much wisdom and compassion from this board in the past, I would hate see it denied to someone else in need.

OK, off the soapbox. Wishing you all the peace I have found with your help.

*mtnsweetheart*

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