ENDING an affair
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| Wed, 11-03-2004 - 2:11pm |
Something's been irritating me about this board and I'm just wondering if any of you feel the same way.
Recently there have been some new posters here who have told their stores and have been made kind of unwelcome.
I guess this is because their Affairs have not ended completely. I'll use Lovesec as an example...
She said she was going to end her affair and so to me it would seem that this is the right board as she is...ENDING an affair. She had some pretty negative replies and has chosen to delete her post which I think is kinda wrong. It was a fun post that encouraged us to write down the negative points of our XOM. It wasn't indicating that she was not going to end her affair, nor was it encouraging anyone to resume theirs so what is the problem?
There has been a few posts like this and I think it's a shame.
These people are attempting to END their affairs and are looking for support in which to do so.
Maybe you should request that the boards name be changed to, affairs that have end-ED. Maybe then you will recieve less posts from those who are IN THE PROCESS of ending their affair.
This board is intimidating enough as it is.
JMHO
m x.

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When I first posted on this board. I was still in my A. I came here for advice on how to end it, which is what I (thankfully) recieved. This is what I presumed this place was for.
It just seems like there has been posts in which people are in the same position as I was who have not been offered the same advice. If on that first post, I had been told that I should go back to the MAS board until I had ended it 'properly' I would have been really dis-heartened and maybe not have ended my A as soon as I had.
How can someone who has requested help to end their A be told to go back to a board which supports A's? How can they end it whilst surrounded by posts which say it's ok to have an A?
Surely you can see my point on this?
Surely it is not up to us to decide when we think someone (we don't even know) is ready to end their affair and recieve support from us?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting at the more strong minded posters among as, posie, free and true included. Their advice has helped me immensely along my way and their strong opinions are not the problem here. It's just that the 'go back to MAS comments' I find unhelpful.
Many times I have found myself at the MAS board. Lurking just to see how everyone is doing. I've even posted a few times (which I know some of you have too)and I have never been told on that board that I shouldn't be there because I'm not in an EMA any longer.
I just dont understand why we have these invisible such as;
* you will be given support when WE decide that you are ready to end your A.
* you will end your A our way.
* you will be asked to leave if we do not believe you are ready to end your A.
JMHO (again)
m x.
"Where's our compassion?" you ask. I can only ever speak for myself but within the context of this particular board, my compassion lies firmly with those who have made a conscious decision to end their EMA.
We *are* all at various stages of ending. There *are* certainly many stories here. Some have made their conscious decision to end their affair while others have simply yet to make that conscious decision for themselves.
It's entirely likely I am simply slow on the uptake, however, it took me nearly 4yrs of see-sawing to come to a point where I made my conscious decision to end it. Yes, I backslid once for approximately one week in May. And, yes I made *another* very conscious decision to end my affair. So far, with the benefit of both IC & MC, so good.
Life is good, Mtn. It's rewarding & fulfilling. I've been given the tools to fill my very own void, and I am fundamentally content for the first time in my life. As someone else mentioned, I'm not so far removed from my affair that I don't remember exactly what I went through to reach this place of contentment. Lest anyone leap to a wrong conclusion, I am not of the belief that my affair did any of this for me - I do believe my seeking IC for my core issues is what has led to a fulfilling life ;)
Whatever the reason, whether it is a matter of "enough is enough & I can't stands no more" or "we can't be together so we need to end this for the sake of others" or even "I love him/her enough to set him/her free," all these reasons require that a *conscious decision* be made to end it. Regardless of rationale, reason(s) or justification, you are in no doubt when you have reached the end of your affair, when you truly *want* it to really end. When you do, you make the decision and you end it.
It really is that simple - the only complications that arise are purely ones we throw into the equation. What happens after that conscious decision is made gets more than a little sticky, but to my mind this is why the board exists. That is the reason I come at any rate, to offer support as best I can to those who have made that conscious decision and are struggling on their own roads towards recovery & healing.
And until someone has actually made that conscious decision, there's really very little anyone can offer in terms of real support except, "Yeah, affairs really do suck, don't they?" I may set up a macro for that phrase lol.
You mention skipping posts. The only problem with this is in that you actually have to read them before knowing you should have skipped that one. It's very much a case of "take what you need and leave the rest." I think the same could be applied for giving that support, too, really. Give what you can, wherever you can, whenever you can and trust that others will cover what you are unable to cover and find ways of connecting with and supporting those who struggle with their decision. Differing methods of support is another discussion altogether and I don't propose to enter into it here.
As for compassion being on its way out in your "sad, beautiful nation," I can't possibly comment since I've not lived in North America for over 20yrs now. I could tell you how the USA is perceived outside the USA, but we'd best take that up over on an appropriate debate board ;)
I can only really add this which was cut'n'pasted from the main page:-
"Producer's Note: This board is a support community for members who have made a conscious decision to end their extramarital affair. If you are not among them, and disagree with the language or content of this message board, please visit the Debate board."
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
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I tend to think in terms of regardless of what was or wasn't said to you (general) at any stage of your affair, you and only you can ultimately make that conscious decision to end it. Any decision not to end it is a decision to continue it. Or at best, to fence-sit. One also starts realising there is a substantial difference between choosing to end one's affair -and- choosing to end the affair in hopes of forcing an action or a reaction from one's affair partner.
Until that decision is made to end it, what more can really be offered in terms of support apart from "I've been there," or "Yeah, affairs really do suck, don't they?" When you (general) are ready, you make the conscious decision and until then you simply carry on/mark time/wait it out or even seek to renegotiate the terms of your affair.
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Pure speculation here, but perhaps seeing the heartache, the usual to/fro games and general loves me/loves me not enables one to begin to see the bigger picture of EMA's as opposed to just the buzz/high of the emotional roller coaster. Such a view might just begin to strengthen one's resolve towards making that crucial conscious decision. Perhaps they might receive support that they need/want to hear until such time as they *are* ready to make that conscious decision?
<<>>
Some of us (me) have been pointed in the direction of the Betrayed Spouses boards by posters on MAS since they've mistaken me for one! Hehe. Obviously there is some natural spill-over. Despite very kind support from a cl on MAS recently, I re-read the MAS main page yesterday which states something to the effect the board offers support to those who ARE in an EMA. Well, it's no news that I'm no longer *in* an EMA. I've therefore made a conscious decision to cease posting there. Anyone who actually wants my input is always free to email me through my profile or find me here or on All Sides amongst other boards.
For a time (even after ending my affair) I genuinely needed to see the bigger picture of the effects of EMA's. Someone once compared it to much the same way I'd imagine an AA member would be able to see the effects of drinking in actively drinking AA members, or members who've had a slip. I've tended not to post there much these days, I certainly find I am lurking far less. I guess this is in part due to my ability to see fairly clearly the effects of my own affair and I need little to no reinforcement to comfortably maintain my current exOW status. Essentially, my input is of very limited benefit to anyone there and I do not wish to cause pain with my usual frank exchanges.
It's a positive step forward to genuinely understand that the only train wreck I can hope to prevent is one where I'm actually driving the train myself.
I don't see the "invisible " you mention; I certainly don't abide by them. I'll address each in turn so you understand at least my own take on them.
<<<* you will be given support when WE decide that you are ready to end your A. >>>
Well, no one else can end your (general) affair for you. Until you (general) make a conscious decision to end it for whatever reasons work for you (general), there's not much in the way of support that can really be given apart from the already mentioned "Yeah I've been there's/here's what mine did" or "Yeah, affairs really do suck, don't they?/Here's how bad they suck" or perhaps a slightly more helpful "So what do you actually want to do about it?" I favour asking questions myself.
<<<* you will end your A our way.>>>
I'd love to see examples of this because I'm not aware of any apart from the NC thing the closest thing to foolproof if it's actually utilised. Sometimes it's not possible to maintain NC for work reasons or neighbour reasons or friend of spouse reasons. Sometimes people need to find out for themselves whether they can remain friends. And sometimes people just do not want to actually let go.
I don't much care *how* people end it, by what methods or for what reasons. My own path is seldom the path chosen by many others and I'll certainly tell you how I did it (it's all over the boards anyway lol), but I don't believe or expect anyone else will be able to find their own oasis by taking whatever circuitous route I took. We all have voids to learn how to fill, but our voids will differ and the keys to those voids will be very different, too.
Essentially, if you want to end it, ya will and if ya don't well ya won't. Wouldn't anything in between those two poles count as fence-sitting? Conscious decision is required any way you cut the proverbial cake. When you want to end it, you will, and not a moment before.
<<<* you will be asked to leave if we do not believe you are ready to end your A.>>>
Some who are hurt by what posters bemoaning their situation in a very much ongoing affair on an endings board might well feel justified in asking that or request those posters to please consider what they are posting with regard to how it might affect other boardies.
If memory serves, I think I've personally linked the MAS board once to a recent poster (one whom I've personally encountered in other guises with other stories on other boards ). I believe I may have mentioned to one poster that her posts might be painful to those struggling with NC. I may have suggested to one or two that heading over to the MAS board might be worthwhile. I do not, however, believe I've ever asked anyone to leave the board. It simply isn't my place to do so.
To be honest, if I don't want to read someone's posts whether on this board or any other, I make full use of the "ignore posts" feature. I'm sure I've probably headed many a poster's Ignore List and that is most certainly their right. It's actually a pretty handy lil ole feature and one I'm grateful exists!
Interesting topic and just my own cheap & cheerful £.02p worth.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I was one of the unfortunate ones to hear that my posts may be hurtful to some and that I was still 'in' my A. In all fairness, my xOM ended the A - I didn't. Though many times during the A, I told him we should end it, we never went through with it (well, once, but that only lasted about 5 hours). I honestly don't know how long I would have continued it beyond the 4 months it went on. I never expected to fall in love with someone else after I got married - I got caught up in the emotions and the way my xOM made me feel so 'alive'.
Yes, I knew it was wrong, and now that I am 'out' of it, I know him ending it was the best thing to do. HOWEVER, because I had not been the one to make that final decision, I have had my share of set backs. I wasn't ready to end things, but they ended none the less. Now, not only am I trying to pick myself up after the end of the A, I am trying to figure out why and how I let myself get there. Not to mention dealing with the feelings I still have for xOM and reviving the feelings I still have for my H. On top of all this, I have to deal with xOM suddenly wanting me to be his 2am bed buddy.
Many posts I have read recently deal with much harder things than this in the midst of ending the A - Divorce, abortion, miscarriage, etc.
My point is - my A IS over. xOM and I do not have a 'relationship' anymore. My A may have been different then someone elses, the way it ended maybe different, and how I feel about it may be different, but I still need emotional support and encouragement that I am now in a better place for being out of the A, and that is where I need to stay. I know only I can make that decision, but reading posts here and getting that support from others who have been there and don't want to see anyone else fall back in is invaluable.
Diva
I am totally with you. I sometimes lurk here and this caught my attention. I am a poster at the MAS and make efforts to supply fresh stock for you guys :-) I have stopped replying to Loves at MAS since she doesn't like what I say but I believe at the stage where she is, she belongs at both boards. At MAS: because she is in an affair and seeking support (not necessarily for the affair but support) and here: because she has made a conscious decision to end it but keeps to-ing and fro-ing. I think she has undergone a big change in the sense that has started seeing positive attributes of her H and no longer seeing her MM in the perfect light she was. In fact, some people at MAS don't like her because you know H have to be dark evil creatures and she is no longer thinking that way. I think posters here should tend to end this tug rather than harassing her and telling her to go away which will just increase her decision making time. I have noticed here that she was not the only one to be in limbo, there are others who still break NC and are still welcome here. I understand the feeling of her posts stirring up old emotions but then again you don't have to go read such people's posts. Just ignore them and let the ones who are past the stage where they may lose their resolve to respond.
PG
When someone wants us, most know where to find us.
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No one can make that conscious decision to end her or anyone elses' affair for them. People will end their affairs when they are damn good and ready and not an instant before. They may falter once they've done so, and here we are ready to offer support.
<<< I have noticed here that she was not the only one to be in limbo, there are others who still break NC and are still welcome here.>>>
Again, there's that vital step of having made the conscious decision to end one's affair. No one can do this for someone else and there's a pretty steep learning curve.
I do hear what you're saying PG, I just think people will find this board as they need us.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
It's likes following the foot steps and helping one another at the end of the peer to get through the ocean waves, of one very stormy day, as we sail smoothly to another place of peace, where our real love ones awaits us. I think this great board, on both subjects.
If you want my advice>>> let's just all get along without all the debates on the perfect board, we all going through the same situation, an affair! ...Period..... Anyone agress with me?
Where here to express our hurt, since there no one out there to trust. Let us be the arms that hold us, not the enemies on what decussion beneifts us the most. I really think it's silly. But, i come to those to let them know, im not here to argue, i'm here to have friends who can help *me. Please be one? Thanks, and I hope everything goes well with you and I keep you all in my prayers.. Take care! :o)
Edited 11/5/2004 9:02 am ET ET by shiningstarxsx
Not much to add, just that I can see the point of view of those of you who think it is discouraging to have people who have not fully ended their affair post on this board, however I do think that newcomers here should be able to say that they are ending their affair, and given the benefit of the doubt.
Also starxsx put it very plainly by stating that this is indeed an ENDING an affair board not an ENDED an affair board and thats pretty much what I wanted to point out in this thread!
m x.
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