ENDING an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
ENDING an affair
25
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 2:11pm
Hi guys,

Something's been irritating me about this board and I'm just wondering if any of you feel the same way.

Recently there have been some new posters here who have told their stores and have been made kind of unwelcome.

I guess this is because their Affairs have not ended completely. I'll use Lovesec as an example...

She said she was going to end her affair and so to me it would seem that this is the right board as she is...ENDING an affair. She had some pretty negative replies and has chosen to delete her post which I think is kinda wrong. It was a fun post that encouraged us to write down the negative points of our XOM. It wasn't indicating that she was not going to end her affair, nor was it encouraging anyone to resume theirs so what is the problem?

There has been a few posts like this and I think it's a shame.

These people are attempting to END their affairs and are looking for support in which to do so.

Maybe you should request that the boards name be changed to, affairs that have end-ED. Maybe then you will recieve less posts from those who are IN THE PROCESS of ending their affair.

This board is intimidating enough as it is.

JMHO

m x.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 2:41am
Hi all,

having read through this thread, there's 1 more thing I wanted to mention. It says in the preamble to this board "those who have made a concious decision to end..."

This leaves out those who have not made this conscious decision, but who's affairs "have been ended", either by the affair walking out/moving away (as it was in my case) etc., or by anything else that did not lay in their power, but was enforced on them. All those "left ones" can only learn how to get to grips with the given facts, without any means to influence them.

So, this factually IS an ended affair, but those in just this situation face more helplessness, and often more unanswered questions, as well as an even greater loss of self-confidence and strength than those who were able to consciously decide.

I found myself very welcome on this board with my story, and I was supported and helped - my point is: Aren't we (those whose affairs have left them) a bit like the yet undecided who come here to MAKE the decision?

I do agree it's very hard to read some posts of those who are still in the throes - but where should they go? There is no board here for those right-in-the-middle(muddle)-of-do-or-die, there is no "Do-I-stay-in-this-AFFAIR-or-not"-board.

And even though it IS very hard for those of us who are struggling to maintain NC/keep those thoughts about the affair in check etc. p.p., I don't think we should send the undecided back to the My-affair-board, where no decisions are made...

I do think that the undecided ones, once they have been here a while and have read many posts (i.e., see the serious pain and hurt of most of us), soon do stop the kind of speech they came here with first and become more conscious of what and how they write. I feel we should give them a chance to get out of the mess - this here board being one of the few places where we can feel free to talk (although you sometimes earn a deserved rap-over-the-head ;-).

Just my 2Cents. What do you think?

M.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 8:24am
I agree... these women came here for support - dont send them to another board. They are at that point in the A that they know it is hopeless... or at least it was for me. They found this board because they were hurting and needed to talk and get advice. I too got blasted when I told my story and was thinking of ending the A and he would not let go. I was so down and my feelings were on edge...so yeah I got my feelings hurt. But you know what...everytime I would think about making C with him... I think about that post that blasted me about being strong. It has only been 5 days and he called yesterday morning and yes I answered... he wanted to know what he had done wrong to deserve this... I told him he had done nothing and I was not mad at him that I could not handle things the way they were and I had accepted the fact that I could not change him, and it was time to give up. He kept on and on... I finally said I do not want any contact with you anymore, I will write it all in a letter and mail it to you. He said ok and then I said goodbye. After that phone call... I felt so powerful! I am in control...FINALLY! The countless times... I have tried to end it and it only lasted a day. He knows I mean it this time, he even asked what has gotten into you. I think alot of it was I needed a kick in the butt...(which I got on this board) to realize that I dont need him to make me happy. Now, I have to work on the letter... I know this isnt exactly NC but I have had my closure with this A. I hope this letter will be his closure. I know you are all saying... stop contact. But I know he will not leave me alone until he gets closure. It feels fo good to be free of his control. My self respect is back! Yes I know I am gonna have down time again... but I know I have this board to turn to...

I know this post contradicts itself, but I did want to express that sometimes toughlove is the only way to get thru to people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 9:58am
Every one of us has a slightly different story. Each of our affairs has ended (or is about to end) in a slightly different way. We are each at a different stage in our recovery or in our approach to our "hoped for" recovery. All should be welcome. Yes, it's hard to hear about others who are struggling with certain aspects of their emotional rollercoasters, but we need to be here for them despite that.

These are not easy relationships to dismantle, and we are here for you if you are ready to begin that process.

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 4:39pm
WOW! I'm gone for a few days and I walk in to a huge controversy, which I am sorry to say I had perpetuated by my post. I do appreciate where's point of view and I actually do agree with her. If there are some who have not yet ended the A and are currently TRYING to do so, they should NOT be sent away. This is the place they NEED to be.

Please allow me to explain what drove me to send a strong post to LOVESEC. Everything she says tells me that this is just all fun and games to her, from what I hear she is also posting on MAS board looking for support for the little weekend escapade she has been planning. Anyway.....reading about how sad she was about her decision to end the A, all along planning a romantic weekend away with him just sent me over the edge. I honestly felt like she was making a mockery of those of us who are using every ounce of strength we can muster to keep NC. It seems she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I also know that she is treading in dangerous waters. She has no idea how much more she is going to hurt, always having the memories of that "one last weekend" with him. I guess it was a "tough love" thing on my part. One more thing I must admit to, since my A has ended I have gone through the hurt, the denial and when I responded to LOVES posts, I was in the throws of the ANGER stage and I was pretty much being a bitch all away around. While I still maintain my stand on this issue, I humbly apologies to anyone who was discouraged or hurt by my post, that is the last thing I want to do.

So, in the future I will think twice before posting something that my be viewed as harsh and disheartening. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, sometimes getting someone else's opinion can be enlightening and enriching and I thank God that we are in a place where we have the freedom of speech. Let's all value that freedom and not abuse it.

Hey, the good news is....now that I'm on the back end of the anger stage, the acceptance is next...right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 8:22pm
As someone who has been discouraged to post here (not by your post per se) but just from others, I appreciate the words of welcome. I have been back and forth about ending my A but will not post again for advice until I do truly end it.

I want to say is I have gotten to know Lovesec quite well. She would never make a mockery out of anyone or anything. She is a very feeling and caring person and is not trying to have her cake and eat it too. She is is very broken up by having to end her A and truly seeks advice when asking for it.

Again, thank you to all those who do welcome those who are "trying" to end their A's or have been the recipient of being "broken up" with. It means a lot.

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