Ending the Affair
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Ending the Affair
| Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:02pm |
To All of You on This Board,
Thanks for your wisdom and willingness to open up and share. I have been here over a year, posting occasionally, lurking lately, but know I will post more as I end my affair and re-commit to my marriage.
I just ended a year and a half affair with a man that I truly love (the first time I was EVER in love). I am married 16 years with 3 kids under 15 and a wonderful H who is talented and a great dad. I have been a really good wife. I never thought I would have an A (and it got sordid and messy from external pressures, not the relationship with MM). My MM (also with little kids and a home base many, many miles from me) and I try to end this all the time, but then we are both afraid of the emotional toil and grieving over the relationship, etc. I might ask for NC, we last two days and are back in touch, we took family vacations at the same time so not to miss communicating with each other too much, etc. After NC, we come back together stronger and more in love and in tune with each other than ever.
He and I loved each other more than I ever thought was humanly possible. I know it was mutual, at every level--even at the needing-to-end-it part, and that is why this is so hard. Many of you have similar stories and have said we get caught in an "addiction" or "fantasy" and I think I felt a lot of those feelings. I am, however, overcome with the knowledge that this WAS mutual and I never thought I could love the way I do. I even love other people around me in a different way and am more caring in general because of the knowledge I have of being truly loved--even if in an A.
Spouse and I were near divorce last year when the A was revealed. We decided to stay together for the kids. It has been strained, but he has been trying so hard and I want to be able to throw myself totally back into the M and respond to his hard work. But each time I do, I get afraid that it still might not work so I would lean on MM. I have spent a lot of my time thinking and grieving about what is wrong in my marriage and how lonely I was and, although H and I had regular sex, I didn't feel loved by him. I worked and worked on keeping things in order at home and with the kids so he could have his career, but we never made plans or saved money or did anything for us. He never kissed me, even when I asked, even before sex--or if so, it was short lived. We had no closeness and has a lot of trouble sharing his feelings. Well, now he wants all of this, so I decided I would try and end the A and give it my best shot. But, what if I really don't like him? What if I am doing what I have always done in this M and give spouse what he wants instead of considering myself? I know the option is I get divorced and there is more pain and distruption for me and also the tumoil for my kids, during a formative time. I am willing to try, see what happen and decide if I need to suck up and deal with my decision or get out while I am still young enough to enjoy life and find my happiness.
These are steps I know I need to go through, notwithstanding the pain over the loss of the love of my life. I hold out hope that things work out for everyone so we can move on and the pain can be behind us and we can raise healthy, happy kids with passion in their lives and that we will all feel love in the way we desire and deserve.
I look forward to your comments now and in the future.
-L
Thanks for your wisdom and willingness to open up and share. I have been here over a year, posting occasionally, lurking lately, but know I will post more as I end my affair and re-commit to my marriage.
I just ended a year and a half affair with a man that I truly love (the first time I was EVER in love). I am married 16 years with 3 kids under 15 and a wonderful H who is talented and a great dad. I have been a really good wife. I never thought I would have an A (and it got sordid and messy from external pressures, not the relationship with MM). My MM (also with little kids and a home base many, many miles from me) and I try to end this all the time, but then we are both afraid of the emotional toil and grieving over the relationship, etc. I might ask for NC, we last two days and are back in touch, we took family vacations at the same time so not to miss communicating with each other too much, etc. After NC, we come back together stronger and more in love and in tune with each other than ever.
He and I loved each other more than I ever thought was humanly possible. I know it was mutual, at every level--even at the needing-to-end-it part, and that is why this is so hard. Many of you have similar stories and have said we get caught in an "addiction" or "fantasy" and I think I felt a lot of those feelings. I am, however, overcome with the knowledge that this WAS mutual and I never thought I could love the way I do. I even love other people around me in a different way and am more caring in general because of the knowledge I have of being truly loved--even if in an A.
Spouse and I were near divorce last year when the A was revealed. We decided to stay together for the kids. It has been strained, but he has been trying so hard and I want to be able to throw myself totally back into the M and respond to his hard work. But each time I do, I get afraid that it still might not work so I would lean on MM. I have spent a lot of my time thinking and grieving about what is wrong in my marriage and how lonely I was and, although H and I had regular sex, I didn't feel loved by him. I worked and worked on keeping things in order at home and with the kids so he could have his career, but we never made plans or saved money or did anything for us. He never kissed me, even when I asked, even before sex--or if so, it was short lived. We had no closeness and has a lot of trouble sharing his feelings. Well, now he wants all of this, so I decided I would try and end the A and give it my best shot. But, what if I really don't like him? What if I am doing what I have always done in this M and give spouse what he wants instead of considering myself? I know the option is I get divorced and there is more pain and distruption for me and also the tumoil for my kids, during a formative time. I am willing to try, see what happen and decide if I need to suck up and deal with my decision or get out while I am still young enough to enjoy life and find my happiness.
These are steps I know I need to go through, notwithstanding the pain over the loss of the love of my life. I hold out hope that things work out for everyone so we can move on and the pain can be behind us and we can raise healthy, happy kids with passion in their lives and that we will all feel love in the way we desire and deserve.
I look forward to your comments now and in the future.
-L
