Ending Affair - Heart Broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Ending Affair - Heart Broken
22
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 3:45pm
I was separated from my husband for

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 4:44pm

Hi Lun


Someone who loved you would not be threatening you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 4:58pm
go to your pastor, or the pastor of the nearest church, or call a crisis line for immediate advice. the problem is he should respect your family and your two young children and if he cannot accept that u do not want to hurt those precious babies than he is not the one for you. breaking up hurts no matter how old we are, married or single, old or young -- it ALWAYS HURTS. but he should not be pressuring you to do something u r not ready to do, or willing to do. he is not the one for
when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 5:06pm
What kind of person can make that threat? Be with me because im too weak to be alone? What can he offer you other than his selfish neediness. Admittedly im in a grumpy mood so i apologize. But thats not a very attractive threat. Aside from positioning you and the wife he doesn't want to be with as interchangable companions.
You want it to be this way, but it's that way.
"You Cant Lose What You Never Had" ---

Muddy Waters
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 5:36pm

This sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. He's playing by his own game book, whereby he calls all the shots. Just because he's not officially divorced doesn't mean a thing in his book, but by golly he wants you to divorce, for what?, to prove you love him? Then what happens?

I'd run as fast as I could from this guy. Like the other poster said, this reeks of selfishness. He should respect you and your decisions. And if he truly cared for you, he would want you to be happy. And if being happy and doing the best thing for YOU is staying in your marriage and keeping your family intact, then this guy should understand and leave you alone.

Sometimes the red flags are really in our faces and this is one of those flags I hope you see.

This reminds me of my xAP to an extent. I refused to meet him for lunch once because I was struggling with the affair. I knew it had to end and was sick and tired of the lies. When I told xAP I wasn't coming and why I wasn't, he got mad and said if I really loved him, I should have proved it to him by lying to my husband and the friends that were expecting me that day. I knew I made the right decision when he said that. Who says prove it, except some junior high kid!! That said a whole lot about what kind of person he was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 5:57pm

I can sense from your post that things are very tense for you right now so I would advise you to not make any decisions on anything until your head clears a bit. It has only been a week of NC, you are still in the A-fog.


I have to agree with the others on this one, this guy is being incredibly selfish. He won't leave his wife until you get a divorce - gimme a break! Sounds like his priority is him and not wanting to be alone. If he truly loved you he would let you do what is right for you. He's trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants to satisfy his needs. What about your needs and your kids' needs? If you screw up with your kids, you don't get a second chance. Is that something you're willing to live with? Besides, how can you even contemplate giving your M a chance to succeed while immersed in an A.


Please, don't do anything until your head clears a bit, even if it takes months to see things clearly. This is an incredibly emotional time for you right now, don't let your decisions be ruled by them.


All the best,


MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 9:46am
Thank you all who took the time to reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 11:57am

lun7,

I'm sorry you are having a hard day. I'm sure your mind and heart are racing against each other, it's a struggle we all know. I hope you stay here on EAS, read, read, read. This journey is not easy, but with knowledge comes understanding, after that, healing and acceptance. Stay strong for you. hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 12:27pm
Run from this guy like your hair is on fire. No person who loves you make you alter your entire life to proove that you love them. He's blowing smoke. It's very selfish behavior. Believe me I know because I was the queen of selfishness at one time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 4:20pm

Still no contact and I'm hanging in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 5:15pm

Lun - Welcome to EAS :)

We say something around here, and that's to think of NC as a gift, not a punishment. I know you are hurting, but this guy sounds like a tool. Trust your instincts to run for your life. As he puts it, he "wasted" 6 years with you while flip flopping with his W. Previously he had sex with another woman he wouldn't "bring home to mom" for 8 years. Is this really a man you want to waste any more of YOUR precious time on this planet with?

<<>>>

This should tell you something. I can relate - my A last 7.5 years and XAP still scares the crap out of me in many ways. He also wanted a "sure thing" before he would leave his W. Funny thing was, he never had the courage to leave his W to begin with.

Hang in there, continue NC, read and post - it WILL get better.

Bodhi

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