Ending Affair, Mailed the wife a letter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Ending Affair, Mailed the wife a letter.
32
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 7:49pm
I've been involved with a married man for two years. Last summer, he made the decision to leave her for me, but because of their finical status and new born baby, he couldn't leave just yet, but he would once he helped her move out (they were living with his parents) Recently, he told me he just couldn't leave. Because of his 'love' was with me, but his 'will' was with them (wife and baby) to do the right thing. And letting go has been hell. So today acting out of my anger and frustration, I made copies of some letters of his to me, and cards, and mailed them to their home, address to her, with her maiden name. She hasn't received them yet, but was this wrong of me? I know he may never talk to me ever again, but in the end was it worth it because now she will know?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 8:13pm
I Torn

His wife has a right to know what sort of a lowlife she is married to, but your motivations in sending the letter were not I suspect to help this woman but more for revenge, so your motives were less then steller.

This MM sounds very much like most of them that like to keep stringing the OW along but will never commit to them so your much better off with out that loser, I know your in pain and you will be for some time to come but if you hang tough you will come out of this stronger and wiser then you entered it.

GOOD LUCK

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 11:45pm
OUCH!! I know how anger and frustration feels, alot of times this is when I say things that I don't mean, but regardless of whether or not he knows that, just hearing it causes him to take a few steps back, which hurts our relationship. Sounds like you really got pissed. Hate to say this but I don't think you'll be seeing much of him anymore, which doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. You say that you've been involved with him for two yrs, and he has a new baby with her????? What's up with that situation? It's now time for you to move forward, it make take some time as I can relate when all of your dreams are ripped out from underneath you, but be strong and before you know it you'll be happy again with someone who deserves your love.

Debbie

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 12:38am
Yes, I believe it was wrong of you. What was the purpose of doing something like that? What did it prove? Does it make you feel good to hurt this woman? Your emotions are controlling your common sense. Walk away with some dignity and respect this man's decision to be with his family. Him not leaving is a chance you took when you got involved with a married man. I know that you are hurting, but hurting someone else is not going to free you from pain.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 7:06am
Torn one~

Joining the others, here. Were you wrong? ABSOLUTELY! and let me add a "shame on you!". Where on earth did you think you would get with hurting his wife like that? Did you honestly think that would make him see just how much he loved you and send you running into your arms? Here's a wake up call....most likely, he'll never despise you more then when he realizes you sent his wife the letter.

You'll have to excuse my harshness...and if you've ever read any of my posts, you'll know I'm not cruel or intentionally trying to be mean....its just that I never see a reason, EVER, to lash out at someone, ESP someone you supposedly love, when you are in pain to hurt them. What I see is a very selfish and conditional love that you have for exMM that only has to do with YOU and how YOU feel. Real love is unconditional and incorporates letting go...and sometimes that means letting them go out of our lives.

I don't know if you have any children...but I suspect you may not...because if you did, you would understand the conflict any person has between choosing between a lover and child--its a difficult conflict and most people will choose their children, despite the other unhappiness.

And bear in mind, although you two might have had some chemistry and a LOT in common, if you two were "meant to be" you both would've met each other at different times in your life when you were available to each other.

I don't mean to be so harsh, I know how difficult it all is....but sometimes we need wake up calls to see how things are and not what we perceive them to be. Hurting others is never good. The only thing you can do now is let it go...LET IT ALL GO....you cannot undue what has been done, but do not add anymore to this situation.

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 7:20am
thank you all for your comments, really. because over the past two years i've had no one to talk about this with. Ok..now back to whats going on.

When he told me he would be leaving her with me, he told me the whole marriage was forced, (parents, church) and he really felt pressed to be with her and having their baby was 'the biggest mistake of his life' cause now he was really stuck. (She was a month pregnant when me and him got together) And recently, when he broke this news to me about staying with them, his reasoning wasn't so much out of love for the family, but for the fact he didn't want to look like a bad person. In his words, he said he isn't staying because he loves her or the baby boy, but because he doesn't want to disappoint the others around him (Parents are big in the local a scene. With fueled my rage. Why be stuck where you have been so unhappy since you said I DO? I'm not saying this makes any excuses for what I did. But he said he no intentions of EVER telling her.

This man was also the first and only person I've ever been sexual with. So this healing process I think may be ever ten times more diffcult. Have any more tips?

Lost Completly,

TornOne50

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 7:34am
Honey, you got duped by the oldest lie in the books. If he was truly THAT unhappy he would leave. If he can't leave...what does that REALLY say about him? Would you really want a man who cannot take control of his life? Can you imagine spending your life with someone that allows others to push him around and dictate how he should live his life?

Reframe this situation and you may see things very differently.

And yes, our "firsts" are always more difficult to forget....I still remember mine, but MAN, am I glad he's GONE!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 8:42am
I understand what drove you to take this drastic step b/c BTDT! Did you do it anonymously or will his W know who you are? I only ask b/c there is a difference between the MM knowing it's you and his W having all the information about you...not a good place to be.

Everything I have read about A's tells me the W usually knows or suspects...in my case, she didn't have a clue. At the same time, as is common in MOST marriages, when an A comes to light....the W forgives....they work on the marriage and eventually, it becomes stronger and healthier.

Since I've walked in your shoes, I can't beat you up for what others here will tell you was causing deliberate pain to another person - WIFE!

My advice to you is to start preparing yourself for the fallout and anger from MM...if he's even the type of person to confront you. Keep in mind that 99% of us in A's or former A's would rather run away from our problems than face them head on!

My other advice is that you start dealing with the hurt, anger and frustration that led you to tell his wife and what drove you to get involved in the affair in the first place. Most importantly, start working on yourself...stop needing needy men...let go of the anger, the hurt, MM and his life!

Good Luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 3:10pm


>>but was this wrong of me? I know he may never talk to me ever again, but in the end was it worth it because now she will know?<<

I'm not sure what kind of answer you're looking for. Of course it was wrong and you know it. So now you want us to think you have a conscience and you did this for any other reason that SPITE and REVENGE? Do you want to hear "Awwww, sweetie, life is so unjust." ??!!

And as far as all this "telling her for her own good so she will know" altruism, I don't buy that and neither does anyone else if they want to be really honest.

Maybe she has known for a long time and either doesn't care or knows that the bottom line is SHE is the wife. He is exactly where he WANTS to be.

(No, I'm not a betrayed spouse - always a favorite accusation when someone posts something that the OW doesn't want to hear.)

So how is mailing copies improving YOUR life? Doesn't sound to me like you're on top of the world. And why keep the originals - so you can read them over and over and maybe make more copies? You remind me of someone who posted a while back about making printouts of IM online chats and sending them to MM's son. Not exactly a class act.

You're right - he is thru with you. You need to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 4:41pm
Throught the whole relationship, the wife has had many signs. She's walked in on him while he was talking to me on the phone on the phone, smelled 'prefume' on him, she has received letters from an 'annoymus' friend of hers saying she saw him with me many times, and his three hour 'tanning and slurpee' runs on weeknights. I don't know what else could make her realize what's going on behind her back. I wrote the letter annoymus, and blocked my name out of the letters, but, She knows who I am, and so did the person who wrote her the annoymus letter a while ago. I know their whole family, as well as hers.

I talked to him last night, and two times today, and I havn't got the nerve to tell him what I did. Should I tell him before she recieves it? He hasn't got a way to stop her from receiving it since he works while the mail would be delivered. Or should I just let it go without warning him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 5:02pm

You're hellbent on ruining his marriage yet you're still talking to him? I don't get that. But, then, I don't have to. You do.


Sure, tell him what you did. 'Fess up to your actions and accept reponsibility for them. Be brave in your ruination of his life. Maybe you realize after the fact that you shouldn't have done it. So tell him that, too. Might not make any difference but what's done is done; no going back now.


Whatever you do, realize that your affair is over and let both of you get on with your lives.


~Chris~

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