Ending Affair, Mailed the wife a letter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Ending Affair, Mailed the wife a letter.
32
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 7:49pm
I've been involved with a married man for two years. Last summer, he made the decision to leave her for me, but because of their finical status and new born baby, he couldn't leave just yet, but he would once he helped her move out (they were living with his parents) Recently, he told me he just couldn't leave. Because of his 'love' was with me, but his 'will' was with them (wife and baby) to do the right thing. And letting go has been hell. So today acting out of my anger and frustration, I made copies of some letters of his to me, and cards, and mailed them to their home, address to her, with her maiden name. She hasn't received them yet, but was this wrong of me? I know he may never talk to me ever again, but in the end was it worth it because now she will know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 5:17pm
Im just a little confused...and I'm not trying to play poor pitiful me game. I mean, would have it been better if the W never knew her husband was sleeping with someone for two years behind her back, plotted leaving her and so much more I wont bother to go into. If he did it this time, and is still unhappy in his marriage, I am sure he will do it again if given the opprotunity. I didn't do this to ruin their marriage. And if that was ever my intentions, it couldnt do anymore than what he has already done to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 6:12pm
Lots of inconsistencies and contradictions.

You said you sent the letter "so his wife will know", like you're her buddy now and want to tell her all this for her own good.

Then you say here she "knows". But you want to tell her so she will know.

Then you refer to "another person" who sent an anonymous letter.

Negative attention is better than no attention. People like this tell themselves at least there is hope because they are still "in" the other person's life, if even in a negative way.

So you're ending an affair (or he is) but you're keeping track of the number of times you talk to him on the phone.

*shaking head*

Look at yourself and what you have become.

Well, maybe if he does agree to "come and be YOURS" - which for some strange reason is what you OBVIOUSLY want - then when he cheats on YOU the OW (or some other "anonymous person"....wink wink....) will send YOU a letter.

(btw he is very much in control of HIS life. He is exactly where he WANTS to be.) You need to stop th drama, stop reading/copying/mailing letters. get some counseling and try to build and control your own life.






Edited 3/15/2004 12:53 am ET ET by redraspy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 6:20pm


You're hardly going to ruin any marriage. Oh, he'll have to sleep on the couch for awhile, but they will remain together. And you said she knows anyway. So, if nothing else he will soon realize your true "character". Like I said, he is exactly where he WANTS to be, and I have the feeling your phone chats will cease...real soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 8:10pm

Hon, whether someone else told her before anonymously or you did with these letters, it wasn't up to you. Let him ruin his own marriage. She may know; she may not.


Just keep your .02 to yourself. Forget the little phone chats here and there. Make your life without him (and her). I did it after close to 13 years of an on-again/off-again affair with my exboss and my husband's ex-business partner. I never told his wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 9:02pm
I think you are looking forward to the fallout from when the bomb hits. I get the impression that it will give you pleasure.

Pray that this never happens to you. Pray that you are never on the receiving end reading mail such as this with your baby in your arms.

The only good thing that I can see coming out of you sending those letters is that the affair is over.

I really feel for his wife.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 10:30pm
In your earlier post, you didn't mention there being a previous anonymous person whom already tried to bring your A into the open. That situation should have been your first clue that he's not going anywhere but home to his wife. Your letter (if his W does receive it) will only be confirmation and more proof.

We never know what drives a betrayed wife to stay. But in your situation, now knowing more of the details, I'm wondering what has driven YOU to stay in the A??? Seems to me that you have had solid proof that his wife will not kick him to the curb...which means that no matter what you do or how much evidence you or anyone else gives her...she won't end their marriage.

With this information, my situation was very different, never the less your MM will be extremely angry with you because he will put the dates together and realize that you're continuing to *pretend* to be his good friend and confidant while information that will stab him in the back is sitting in his mail carrier's bag!

Torn, in light of your further explanations, I would seriously consider letting MM know exactly what you've done and why you did it. At the same time, I would strongly encourage you to tell him it's over and you never want to hear from him again! Period! He can take the day off work and intercept the letter or he can choose for his W to receive it.

As for you... cry, scream or punch a wall and start working on YOU and only YOU! It's time to put this chapter behind you and let MM live WHATEVER life he wants. The longer you keep your HAND in his life... the more pain you will continue to endure! Trust me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 10:56pm
Sorry redraspy but with respect, I disagree with your statement "And as far as all this "telling her for her own good so she will know" altruism, I don't buy that and neither does anyone else if they want to be really honest."

Prior to busting my MM to his W, I did an unbelievable amount of soul searching and my motives were more then REALLY honest. There was no altruism in my belief that what I was doing and did do was for MM's wife's best interest because I knew MM well enough to know that his wife was the ONLY one that could stop him from his life of affairs (I was #3 and without going into a long explanation also #4) in what at the time was a 14 year marriage!

Sure, it caused them both a lot of pain but to this day, 4 years later...MM still thanks me for what I did (yes, we're still friends) because it made BOTH of them not only address but DEAL head on with the problems in their marriage. As his friend, I have to be happy for them...as his "former" mistress, at times, I have a hard time with the realization that "I" allowed myself to be used but life is about learning from our mistakes and I've learned a lot!

Sometimes, there are advantages to the OW telling the wife...though definitely NOT to the OW's advantage.

PEACE! And please try to understand tornone50's feelings with a little more compassion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 11:43pm


>>As for you... cry, scream or punch a wall and start working on YOU and only YOU! It's time to put this chapter behind you and let MM live WHATEVER life he wants. The longer you keep your HAND in his life... the more pain you will continue to endure! Trust me!<<

I think THAT part is EXCELLENT:


But, even if MM is able to intercept the letter, I think that at some point Torn will send another copy. I don't think she will be satisfied until W sees what she wants her to see - even though it's pointless. I also think Torn is hoping (consciously or unconsciously) that W will kick him out and he will come running to her. Not gonna happen. (And I find it strange that she knows so many details about a note that some anonymous person sent.)

Torn is not some innocent victim. She knew he was married.




Edited 3/15/2004 1:02 am ET ET by redraspy

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 6:50am
Well now I have to respectfully disagree with you Caring...Torn's actions are not being done out of doing her XMM or the W a favor. She is angry and feels invalidated, and this is her way of getting some kind of control in the situation. If the wife already KNOWS (he left her already for Pete's sake) then why let her know AGAIN?

In your situation ratting out on the married man turned out to be a blessing, but I doubt Torn's XMM is going to feel blessed and neither is his wife. She lost the battle, this man is not going to leave his wife and there is no sense in getting involved in what he tells his wife and when. She wasn't in a hurry to tell his wife when she was getting a little somethin somethin, now was she? Where was her compassion for the wife then.

I have been on the other side of betrayal and let me tell you , it sucks. It hurt more then anything I have ever experienced in my life...so I guess I can have compassion for the OW and for the Wife....

I am not criticizing Torn as a person, I just feel she is emotionally out of control and is not thinking clearly. We have all been there, atleast I have. She hasn't done any good by mailing this letter and there isn't anything she can do about it now.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:52am
SHE, I have always had the utmost respect (and agreement) with your posts on this board and again, due to Torn's additional disclosure to us of her situation (W's previous & anonymous notifier) I do agree with you that Torn's motives were driven by her hopes of ultimate revenge and hopes of winning the grand prize (MM)!

My disagreement post was in specific reply to Redraspy's statement "And as far as all this telling her for her own good so she will know" altruism, I don't buy that and neither does anyone else if they want to be really honest."

Because even though all of our A relationships have many similarities, all relationships and people are different and as my situation proved, disclosing the A *can* have positive outcomes.

IMO, Torn needs us (this board) to be supportive in encouraging ways of getting past her actions, accepting the fact that not only has she lost the battle but she has lost the war! We need to show her how to let go of MM (and his life) and how to rebuild her life in an effort to make better future choices.... instead, what Torn seems to be getting are brow beatings about the many different ways she has hurt the W and that she's actually looking forward to the fallout after the W reads her letter!

PLEASE ladies, I'm certain all of us can understand WHY Torn did what she did and since this is an ENDING an affair board....how about telling her something other then "she needs professional help".