Ending Affair, Mailed the wife a letter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Ending Affair, Mailed the wife a letter.
32
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 7:49pm
I've been involved with a married man for two years. Last summer, he made the decision to leave her for me, but because of their finical status and new born baby, he couldn't leave just yet, but he would once he helped her move out (they were living with his parents) Recently, he told me he just couldn't leave. Because of his 'love' was with me, but his 'will' was with them (wife and baby) to do the right thing. And letting go has been hell. So today acting out of my anger and frustration, I made copies of some letters of his to me, and cards, and mailed them to their home, address to her, with her maiden name. She hasn't received them yet, but was this wrong of me? I know he may never talk to me ever again, but in the end was it worth it because now she will know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:50am


While I feel you have given some sound advice to Torn as far as her needing to look inside, get emotionally healthy, move on, etc. I agree with Shescomeundone and I do still stand by this:

>>My disagreement post was in specific reply to Redraspy's statement "And as far as all this telling her for her own good so she will know" altruism, I don't buy that and neither does anyone else if they want to be really honest." <<

As SCU pointed out, where was Torn's altruism when she was gettin it on with this woman's husband.? Can you or Torn answer THAT? AS I pointed out, she KNEW he was married and all along she wanted him to leave his wife. Torn is hurt, she STILL wants MM, and she is being vindictive - and seems to have disappeared from the discussion. No good can come from this. Who is SHE to control what W or MM do with their lives? Who is SHE to claim she wants to "save other women from getting their hearts broken"?

If a W and OW form an alliance and say they are "friends", then it's time to get some different friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:38am
I am going to stick in my unsolicited two cents here...

A few things here that everyone probably already knows, including Torn...

1. Even though most of us would make a different choice, almost all of us can understand the rage that feels like it is going to eat you up unless you do something to gain control of an out of control situation. Given that fact alone, we must be supportive of Torn. She made a mistake, now let's help her recover.

2. She forced the affair to end. It will be over, Torn. Trust us. You have most probably scortched the earth with this one. Let go of this dream. You sound young and have a lifetime ahead of you to find healthier dreams. Start today. Think about where you might have been today if you had never met your MM. What does that place look like and what exactly are you doing? Write that down on paper and look at it... that is your new dream.

3. I don't think it makes a hill of beans what Torn's motive was for sending the letters. What is done is done. In reality, there were probably several motives working here; the usual ones would be anger, guilt, fear, sadness, and denial. Torn, please forgive yourself for taking a drastic action to a drastic situation. Most drastic situations are best solved by inaction. Torn is now realizing that her drastic action wasn't the best solution. However, she is still in a drastic situation. Since everyone else has shared their advice, here's mine - do nothing. Withdraw, count your blessings and start working on the inside. The more you engage in this drastic situation, the crazier you will make yourself. There are two ways to make yourself crazy... 1) Letting crazy people drive you crazy. MM's actions are crazy and there is no logic to it. Detach, withdraw, and separate yourself from the crazy people. 2) Getting involved in other people's business will drive you crazy (i.e. MM's marriage). It will drive you insane because you are trying to control something that you have absolutely no control over. It is completely futile - like trying to stop clouds from pouring rain. Remember the saying, "mind your own business"? D@mn, that's the smartest piece of advice we were ever taught. Focus all your energy back on yourself. Stay out of someone else's pot of crap - It doesn't matter what Torn's motives were for sending the letter. Torn was meddling in someone else's business and in the end she will be the one who suffers. Please stay out, Torn, for *your* sanity - not theirs. This is a lesson that I am just now learning. I can almost 100% guarantee that your pain will be far greater if you continue to involve yourself than if you just retreat now even after this mistake.

4. Most of us have at one time considered spilling the beans. We may not have acted on it - but, we've thought about it. Yeah, Torn was duped...just like all of us here. Actually, I'm not even sure it's duped. We had a dream - just like every other person on this planet. Some of our dreams are plausible and attainable goals - and others are not. An A, in most cases, isn't one of those plausible dreams. But, who knew when we started that it would end like this? Not very many of us thought it would end this way or that an affair is a relationship surrounded by constant muck. For at least a brief time, we were going down that dark path of gross choices.

Well, that is my say in this long thread. I cannot be so harsh on Torn because I have felt her pain and desperation. I have felt her confusion. I haven't made *that* mistake but I've made so many others in my A, that I wouldn't know where to begin. My concern is that Torn take care of herself... call me callous, but at this point I wouldn't even be concerned about their marriage, his wife, their child, etc.

Torn needs to heal herself. We need to help. If *she* feels she would benefit from professional counseling, I think she should seek out that option for herself. I am not in a position to say she does or doesn't. Actually, when you think about it, it's kind of a cut when people say that. Even if a person really thinks it's true, it's still kind of a put down in U.S.A. culture at least (i.e. "You need some *serious* help 'cause you're *really* messed up").

Ok, maybe you guys are going to think that I'm watering everything down and sugar-coating my words to Torn. You would be right. The girl is hurting and she's going to be in for more whopping pain when that letter arrives - especially if she continues to engage in the drama. I don't think that 'tough love' is always the best approach here. Life and the playout of the situation will teach her the lesson here. JMHO.

Peace to you, Torn

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:18pm
Thank you Silent! Very well said...and Torn, please let us know how you're holding up today?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:24pm
OK Redraspy...let's agree to disagree on our personal points of view. However, please do keep in mind that this IS the Ending an affair SUPPORT board not where was/is our conscious board.

IMO, tough love works best when we're allowed to swallow it with some sensitive love and compassion.

PEACE!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:24pm
caring, i totally agree with you...we should be supportive of Torn. This is a support group and we are all here to help eachother or receive help. Torn has asked us what we think of her actions, and unfortunately that includes maybe hearing things that are painful or that she does not want to hear. It does not mean that we are chastising her, alteast I know that was not my intention.



Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 8:59pm
I thank you all for your comments, even the harsh, I accepted them. So now a week later almost, I'll let you know what has went on. Sunday night I called Him and told him what I had done. At first, he didn't even care she would find out. He was more concerned with the fact that I would do that to him. He cried, I cried. He didn't stay home Monday, which suprised me. But Tuesday, he was sent home from work, which happens quiet often during this season in his field. When the mail came, it wasn't the letter, but a recipt from the post office asking for the W to come to post office because a letter was recieved but all postage wasn't paid for ? Somehow I didn't put enough stamps...anyways ugh so he goes and gets the letter, and brings it to my house. and we had a very, very long talk. We spoke of everything and we were crying and poured our hearts out about everything that has went on. and then he said it was up to me if he would give her the letter to her. I told him not to. So we came to some agreements.

1. No more letters

2. No matter what, always have contact...as friends.

Now this one I have a problem with...is it possible? I mean we were friends for so long before this happened...after an affair does it work? Eventually he wants to be able to just see each other one a month for dinner or something. I myself do (think it will work, no doubt the hardest thing), but you ladies seem to have more experince you know..so help me out with this one.

I know this will be a long, emotionally draining experince..me and him letting go of each other. I can see what's its doing to him and me already...but in the end..is a long letting go process worse? I mean is there a better way to do this? I am frightened by no contact, because, he's my best friend and has been for so long. I'm dependant of him, I need him in my life even if its just being the friend he was before. Is this realistic? Will letting go slowly create more frustration and anger...?

anything will help,

torn

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:36pm
ah...we are back to the popular question..can u be just friends? I think it is possible but very rare ...it would mean that you would have to detach yourself emotionally to a certain degree. Also, it still means lying to the wife because i'm sure she wouldn't want the two of you meeting for a drink or for dinner. Even if you aren't having sex, he is still lying and there is some connection there. Just my opinion.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 11:03pm
Torn, I do agree with the post from SHE..... RE-building your relationship back to friendship will not be an easy road for YOU! Even though your MM was emotional (the tears help) the bottom line is that it will be a walk in the park for him.....because HE will always have the best of both worlds (1) a wife to go home to and (2) a g/f to confide to that HE already knows will be his support system.

The questions you need to ask yourself are...........

Is he worth it?

Will your heartache be worth it? Until you convince your heart and allow your brain to accept that him and wife are ONE, your heart will break a little each and every second!

Will the disappointments (which will become larger and more frequent) be worth your time, effort and love?

These are questions that only you can answer.....The fact that you're single and unlike me, are not in a miserable marriage, I wonder why you would not choose to put this man out of your life completely and give yourself the opportunity to start a new relationship with a single man that could and would be there for you 24/7.

At this juncture, at the very least, I would suggest you tell him that you need some alone time and you'll get in touch with him afterwards.....and, if that time is 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years......it will be OK because you'll have come to terms with what is and is not and never will be.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:49am
I can understand that emotion you felt to make you send those items. What was your motive?..to let her know about the affair so maybe they would break up/put their marriage on the rocks, or was it to get back at him out of anger? Were you hoping she would leave him once she found out about you and he would then come to you? I confess to doing something similar, left her a message regarding him still seeing another woman just for sex, but only because I was angry and felt he didn't need to be with anyone nice who really cared for him..he deserved to be left out in the cold and think about how he was destroying our lives. I didn't want him to myself, I felt he may do the same to me in the end. Hurts I know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:33am
In addition to my previous note, I did not need to tell his woman anything, if it was needed somehow she would find out about him lying to both of us about another lover. My stepping in made me only look bad in his and her eyes. He would not look at me in greater respect, but less. The baby situation..that would be a signal to leave him and move on, give yourself some peace of mind. I will now go back and read the other comments. This is a good place to read for support/comments.