Ending affair tomorrow. Sad & confused.

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Registered: 03-30-2003
Ending affair tomorrow. Sad & confused.
4
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 10:32am
First of all, don't like this new format. But if you check "Outline View" in left corner you can see who's responding without having to click each one to see.

Anyway, will be needing support in ending what we both know and feel is wrong. Sad thing is we're best friends that got carried away and feelings started developing. Both of us are married. How do we (or do we) go back to being friends? Or has this EMA ruined our friendship (which we never intended to happen). Can former FWBs become FWOBs again and remain genuine friends? If so, how? We love eachother as friends, and maybe a tad more. That's the hard part. Neither of us want to give that up, but we don't want the benefits part anymore. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone and he says no over and over again. But I feel that I need to. I told him I feel like I'm addicted to the way he makes me feel. As with all addictions, what gets you over the hump of withdrawal pains?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 10:50am
First, welcome...

I'm no expert, but you are asking the right questions and you might not like my answers... What you're about to do will be very hard. Ending an affair is truly like breaking an addiction - which you already, I think, realize. And as with all addictions, if you keep taking "just a sip" or "just one hit", it doesn't let you really be free of the addiction... So - the best and "easiest" (not that any of this is easy) way - total NC. No talking, emailing, calling, seeing each other... that is truly the way to really end it.

But... not always possible, is it?

You asked if you ruined the friendship, or if it's possible to stay friends now... I'd have to say that MAYBE some day in the far future you might be able to be friends again. But for now... many (most?) of us have tried the "just friends" route - and it just doesn't work. It's painful - like constantly pulling off a fresh scab before it has healed... And it blurs those boundaries and keeps you wanting more of him... I truly do speak from experience on this one - it's amost impossible to stay friends immediately after a breakup.

I'm interested to see what others will post too...

GOOD LUCK to you, no matter what... and keep coming here...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:22am
Thank you and I guess I know that's the only way to go. The only problem is we do have buisness dealings that we'll have to communicate about. It's not ended 'officially' so should I call him and say let's end this or should we meet and do it. We don't get mushy when we're around each other but I can see where my heart would be breaking as I'm talking very matter of factly and putting up this logical business way of doing things. 99 percent of this EMA is via phone. Lately we only see eachother about once or twice a month and then it's only for a lunch hour. Or, I could just make myself scarce and "busy" and return his calls later (like the next day). As I said, we're more friends than anything and I honestly think (hope) we can go back to being friends but not right now. Like you said, it would definitely blur my vision, my heart, my soul, and I'd be back to square one. My business has suffered as a result of all this and I need to regroup and refocus and start making some money without the distraction of MM. If I could just think logically (numerically) it seems to put my emotional side of my brain at ease. Since you've been there is there a quick fix like one would get when addicted to drugs? If so, what is it and how does it work? Sorry for the rambling but I get confused every time I think of him. He has an emotional side that I've never seen in a man that blends so well with my emotional side. That will be the hard part, dealing with the emotional void.

Any help is appreciated. Thanks. You're wonderful!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 12:44pm
I'll try to help, but honestly I'm hoping that some others jump in here too!!

As for ending it - I think you need to tell him. Not just stop returning calls and think he'll understand - if he was ending it, wouldn't you want to be sure?? If you think there is any chance that telling him in person makes you likely to weaken, then I think the phone or even handing him a letter with your thoughts clearly laid out might be good... I ended mine in person, and it was so hard - he (XMM) tried to get me to reconsider, he got quite physical with me (lots of hugging and touching and kissing) as I cried and tried to tell him that I couldn't be with him anymore... and I wish I had done it in some way where he couldn't have laid hands on me because it tore me up to still have him touching me in any way...

As for the logical versus emotional parts of the brain... If I could get my head and my heart to match, I would not be in pain... I would have never entered the EMA in the first place if I could do that! I suspect that is true of most of us - we KNOW what we should and shouldn't do... it's the part where we actually listen to our heads instead of our hearts that is the problem...

And finally - quick fix??? The BEST way to do this, again, is NC. I don't have NC either - I see XMM almost every day... and it kills me every time. Drags out my recovery and my pain, but at this time I don't choose to do the extreme things required to get him completely out of my life and have total NC. There is no quick fix - you'll have good days where you feel strong and think only of fond memories, or find that you have NOT thought of him much if at all. And then you'll have awful days where you cry and miss him so much it's like a physical ache... But eventually, hopefully, the good days start to outnumber the bad... It's been 3 1/2 months since I told my XMM it was over for good (well, I told him that 2 other times and relapsed within a week). It still hurts. I think of him too much. I have days where it hits me out of the blue like a tidal wave and I fear I'll drown... but I'm starting to heal... and now I don't cry every single day, and I can find times where I realize I haven't thought of him for a while... but there is no quick fix.

Keep coming here too - it helps... Hugs - you ARE doing the right thing in ending it. But don't think that it won't hurt... but you are strong enough to get through this.

Glinda

Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 9:29pm
The only way to end things is with no contact. Obviously, with your business situation this will not be totally possible. So I suggest you concentrate more on those numbers as opposed to your emotional side.

As far as going back to friends... perhaps *eventually* down the road it may be possible but not until months go by. I say this because I've done it and the afterwards friendship was much harder. The other thing you need to realize is that regardless of how hard both of you try, your friendship will never again be the way it was before the affair. These types of relationships just don't work like that.

As to telling him it's over...because you once were good friends and because you do have business situations to consider... I would definitely tell him. If doing this in person will make you an emotional basket case, then do it on the phone. You will need to be specific as to what your business dealings will be and how you both will handle them.

Good luck to you and since I've not seen your name on the board... welcome!

Sherry