Ending Affair, but we both still love each other

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
Ending Affair, but we both still love each other
26
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 9:03am

I have been in an affair for going on 6 years with a wonderful woman that I love very much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
B&C

I could relate to your story almost word for word on the part of myself and the express words of my xAP. And 6-7 months ago when I chose to leave the relationship - I agreed to be friends always because in my heart I thought I loved him. I thought he loved me. At least that is what he proclaimed. Talk is cheap.

What I have come to understand over these months, was that it was not real love. While the emotions of A-love are similiar to that of real love, a real and healthy love is not hidden, deceptive, hurried, or even physical. While I have no doubt that you DO feel something that you attribute to love for her - if you have no intention of putting action where your words are - give her the gift of freedom from you. There are plenty of families who are able to raise children in two healthy homes, with real love present - so this isn't just about raising kids. And yes, I do have 3 so I do know this.

Good for her in wanting something bigger, including forever - she deserves it. What an amazing woman to realize that she is not willing to settle for just a mockery of love, to settle for less than REAL and invested LOVE.

As for your part in this... You have your M, your kids, your work - she deserves the same. She deserves to have someone who is hers. Someone that loves her enough to give ANYTHING to be with her. YOU deserve to work out whatever the problems are with YOU, and in your M since that seems like where you want to stay. There is no shame in this. If you have made this choice to stay - then stay - and truly invest in staying, give everything you have to making it work with your W - after all - when your children are grown it will be just the two of you. If despite your efforts of reinvestment it doesn't work out, then make the decisions to pass on a legacy of happienss and choice instead of sneaking and cake-eating.

While my xAP now refers to me as his mistake, I know that he was not a mistake for me. He was a wakeup call - and he made me realize that like your AP - I deserve more too. I'll never settle for less than forever again.

and neither should you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2010

In response to Lolly's post.....beautifull written!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

BC,

We try not to talk about loving our XAPs on this board as it triggers those who are freshly out of their affairs. Of course you are entitled to your feelings, but loving someone is not compromising their integrity and putting them in a very difficult situation/position at the expense of others. Affairs perpetuate lies and deceit and no matter how much you would like to call it "Love," you are doing a great injustice towards those you claim to care for.

I would like to welcome you to Endings, if and only if, you are ready to go complete NC. There can be no friendship once APs part their ways. Your XOW knows she needs to close this door but her fears of being totally alone are holding her back. If you really love her as you say you do, then you must let her go with no further contact. You are hurting her more than helping her by hanging around in the shadows, not being able to be the man she really needs. She must find her own way out of this pain, learn the lessons that need to be learned from getting involved with a MM, and grieve the loss of her M and you. I hope she seeks T to help her through this.

You, OTOH, need to bow out gracefully and tend to your own mess. Your family needs you to be present 100% and you can't be a good father/H by keeping one foot in the past. I would suggest T for you too, and possibly some MC if your W would agree to it. You were happy once and you can be that way again, but first you have to clear out all of the cobwebs of your A.

Let us know if you end your A for good, (with no more further contact), and we will gladly support you through the tough months that lay ahead. Ending an A is hard, but every person on this board has either done it or are in the process thereof.

My best to you,

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011

I know I have to go the NC route.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
B&C - I have no doubt that you are real and sincere - the fact that you are looking to go NC says a lot about you. Healing from an A isn't really about right and wrong - as much as it is a call to turn that same focus internally and figure out why you are seeking something beyond what you already have. Are you in any kind of therapy (T) or individual Counseling (IC)? I would suggest it -

All of us who choose the path of NC face tears and loneliness and so much more - self doubt, loathing, anger, grief - we go through stages back and forth as we work out what it was that made us accept the extra relationship in our lives.

Ending an A is much like a death - a putting to rest what was. Ending is not the hardest part, tho it may feel like it right now. We have several newbies on this board who are 3-4 weeks out and I hope you read the struggles they face as they have emerged out of the "A fog" that we all exist in - because remaining NC after a short time is harder than the ending. Facing yourself - is the hardest. However, there is hope on the other side of things. 7 months ago I was a basket case and it took me several times to make NC stick. I'm not completely healed, but I am a good work in progress. While this may seem like a HUGE thing right now - given some time and work - and you'll realize there are bigger things awaiting you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011

I am still very selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
I don't want to offend you but having been in an A for 18 years, I would suggest that if you truly "loved" the ow, you would have left your wife for her early on. I don't think its pretty but I believe if 2 people truly love each other and feel thatnthey should be together, they will do it early on and nothing, not kids or finances or friends, will stand in the way. People get divorced every day and deal with the fallout from it, including the effect on their kids, if it's what they really want and need to do. If you're not willing to leave your wife, you don't love the ow in a real and solid way, the kind of love you can build a foundation and a life on. She gets this, you don't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
brokenconfused - welcome!

I am a newbie myself (on week 4 of NC) so, the pain and feeling of loss is still very fresh and raw. MUCH better than Week 1, but still hurting.

I understand your pain (my xAP was single - our A lasted 8 months). At first I missed the ego strokes terribly. We work together so we found excuses every day to IM each other and run into each other. I can now finally say that i no longer miss that "drug." Withdrawl was very difficult.

I thought I loved him and we told each other so. But, as toosmart said, if I REALLY truly loved him, I would have left my H and did whatever it took to be with him. But, this is something I would NEVER EVER have done. I would never have hurt my H and children that way.

So, after the A fog lifted, I realized that I was being terribly selfish by holding on to my AP who wanted nothing more than a REAL relationship. I never thought about how he must have felt to be waiting for my text messages while I was in my REAL world.

i was SO upset when he went back to his GF shortly after we agreed to stop our A. I was DEVASTATED!! And, why was I devastated? A married woman who had an H who adores her? Because I was selfish and wanted this other man to want me and continue stroking my ego despite the fact that I could only give him scraps in return. THAT is not love.

So, because I did CARE for this man, I have reframed my thinking (mostly succeeding) and let go of the hurt feelings I had.

You and I have no right to hold our xAPs back from their true, real, unashamed happiness since we are unable to provide that for them.

And, THAT is what our xAPs deserve, just as you and I do. Thus, you and I need to let go and let them be truly loved, no matter how painful it may be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010

Dear Broken

I was involved in an E/P A for 9 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011

Day 3 of NC...

NvrsayNvr...I know you are right.

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