Ending Affair, but we both still love each other

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
Ending Affair, but we both still love each other
26
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 9:03am

I have been in an affair for going on 6 years with a wonderful woman that I love very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010

DEAR BC,

IT doesn't matter.

I really want you to hear me say this - IT DOESN'T MATTER.

It doesn't matter if you do, or do not really love one another, whether you planned to leave or not, whether you want to be some hero from a fake fantasy or not, whether or not you're hurt, she hurts, you feel lonely scared and unsure that you can live without her. NONE of THAT matters. WHAT WILL MATTER IS THE AWFULNESS of a dday which will make this pain look like a Sunday stroll in the park.

What matters is the reality of the situation.

YOU are MARRIED and NOT LEAVING.

SHE is SINGLE and WANTS to move ON.


There are the facts. SO please stop tormenting yourself with the imaginings that things are going to be different, that someone something is going to magically happen and things will come out in your favor to be together.

Once you SURRENDER yourself over to the knowledge that you NEVER will be together and that the "relationship" was nothing more than escapism and self-indulgent non-sense, the fog will start to clear and you will gain perspective on your situation. YOUR affair is no different at its foundation, than any of ours. We all lied and cheated to get away with robbing our families of the person that they loved. We stole from our children invaluable time to give to some other person who was colluding with us to do this to our families.

I am sorry that you are hurting - ending an affair and stepping out into the harsh light of truth is terrifying. BUT it is much less scary than the black hole that an affair sucks you into. In that place NO ONE'S needs are ever met - not yours, your xAPs and certainly not our families who we professed to care so much about.

And please show dignity for your xAP. I became separated with small children early into my affair ... and you know what? I STILL had the courage to end this affair and go NC. LIFE was considerably more difficult for me, and yet he still wanted more and more - like a crow picking at a dead animal at the side of the road. Leave before your xAP thinks of YOU as the crow.

And please know, that each word is shared from a place of standing in the pain that you are in now.

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010

B&C
I thought a lot about your comment last night regarding not being able to go to therapy - Here's the thing - Lots of people go to therapy without spousal knowledge - and some use the excuse that they are struggling with some personal things but aren't ready to talk them through just yet

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011

Thank You TC... and i will repeat first... IT DOESNT MATTER.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011

Lolly,

Thank you especially to you for taking the time to try to talk the only man on this site through the stupidest thing I have ever done.

I do have a friend I talk to... I call it

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
LOL B&C - you aren't the only man on here!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011

Well I look forward to hearing from Foggy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
B&C
I have read this thread with interest. Sadly I don't have time to respond how I would like. You may want to not generalize too much. As you found out there are a few men on the board and what you said about women not liking 'groping' wasn't quite right for me and many others. I love sex. I'm very open about it- my husband doesn't like it ad much and is emotionally distant. These were triggers in my A. I say triggers carefully- these issues and my desperation for attention DID NOT CAUSE my A. I did!! The whole 'wanting to be there for the kids' is not totally what holds us back from leaving. There are too many stars about kids happily growing up in divorce situations- not all of course- but it can be done! As Dr Phil says- kids would rather be froman unhappy home than in one'
My point is that we use our rotten marriages or our need to be present parents as reasons to block the fact that we have to choose for ourselves!!!!!
Make your choice mate. Your exAP has made hers.

As TU said. It doesn't matter what was, only what will be. And she is not in your future.
Iggy
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010

Hello,

You are confused - still in the fog. You even contradict your own post when you identify that once your wife actually gave you the intimacy you were seeking, you continued with the affair. See, making the choice to have an affair isn't so simple - and has nothing to do with needs being unmet within the marriage. Because, in healthy relationships, with healthy people, we actually find a way to make the relationship work without taking such cowardly actions. We would have had the conversation that you mentioned in your post - the one that would have named your unhappiness, and would have ended you in marriage counseling Did you get counseling after the Dday - my guess is you did not. Either individually nor together.

You were hurt, so rather than take the decent route to address it head on, you chose the selfish and weaker route and engaged in an affair.

AND So did I, and so did every single poster on this board. Male or female alike am not preaching ... I am sharing my experience from being in a place of totally destroying a loving, happy family. Not perfect, but workable. FULL of promise. I CHOSE to be weak.

I failed to recognize (or rather REFUSED to recognize) that when I chose to have an affair, I was also making the choice for two whole families. I MADE THE choice that many other people would just have to learn to cope with the disappearing partners & parents act ...

We were the ones engaging in the affair, and it was just BONUS that each and every person connected to us would have to suffer the consequences of this. See, people can say that they will end their affair when they are ready, but no one cares to check in with their loved ones and ask them if they are ready for their whole lives to be set ablaze. NO ONE else gets to have a say ... they just get to be bystanders of a situation in which they are denied knowledge of.

And yes, when females on this board break NC, darn right we call it fishing: fishing for validating, ego stroking and a mis-directed sense of closure. Read enough of the older posts and you'll see that reality checks are not gender specific - you'll get it swiftly, and without apology when you start transferring the responsibility for your affair onto anyone other than the person that stares back at you in the mirror.

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011

To Iggy & TU:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Hi BC, sorry I'm a little late in welcoming you to EAS. I know that what you're going through right now hurts like hell, but for what its worth I truly believe that it is possible to heal your M and to find happiness after an A.

My H is a wonderful man, but after our children were born I lost ALL interest in sex. I would have gratefully signed a contract of abstinence for the rest of my life if someone had offered it to me. I'm sure you can imagine how hard that was for my H. And then imagine how much harder it was for him to discover some seven years later that I was still capable of feeling passion and excitement ... for another M. Believe me, the pain of ending is nothing compared with the pain of a BS (or the pain of an OW kept endlessly hanging for crumbs of your time).

I came up with a thousand ways to rationalise the A affair, but in reality it was a cancer that was eating away at my M and my soul. There was no hope of healing my M until I made the decision to cut the A out completely and for the rest of my life I will have to protect myself against its return. I hope that you will have the courage to do the same - for yourself, your W, your xAP, and especially your children.

I have had to ask myself many hard questions about what I am teaching my children about love and relationships through my own actions, and I know that I would never wish the deceipt and indignity and hypocrisy of an A on any of them. I highly recommend John Gottman's book "Seven principles for making marriage work" if you haven't read it already.

I wish you all the very best on this journey and will be here if you ever need a helping hand.

Sunshine and smiles

Kat