Ending Affair, but we both still love each other

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
Ending Affair, but we both still love each other
26
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 9:03am

I have been in an affair for going on 6 years with a wonderful woman that I love very much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
I am happy to read in your last post that you are up to taking personal responsibility for your affair.

I would absolutely suggest you re-read the messages on this board. Affair bashing would be the interpretation of anyone still in the fog. When still in the fog, NO ONE is willing to hear that THEIR ex-AP was using them for ego-strokes. "OH, NOT MINE - MINE IS DIFFERENT". I would challenge you to find one post that isn't seeping with either personal accountability, or if it is missing, responses from other posters encouraging just that. THIS BOARD thrives because of it's focus on: NC, blocking & walking, introspection, personal responsibility & accountability through actions.

Affair bashing isn't the MO here ... we were ALL someone's affair partner at one time or another.

That brings me to another case in point - that's why we ALWAYS SAY - IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Because ALL that matters is our own thoughts/feelings & actions.

See? See what you were missing when fully in the fog and feeling all defensive.

Please continue to post, and we will continue to offer our support to you,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tu, I wonder if BC is referring to the litany of offences post which was recently bumped up? I have to admit that some if those posts made me uncomfortable too. Kat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010

Hi BC I have to admit that I couldn't read thru this whole thread of posts without getting a headache because you are still fuzzy (in what we call the 'fog')

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010

Kat you may be right.

B&C if you have read the Litany of Offences- then yes- you may have thought that was an exAP bashing forum. It isnt. Its a single thread where all of us can say anything that makes it clear that our exAP were simply people. In an A we are denied the reality of seeing our exAP as 'real' people. The nature of an A makes us see them (and they see us) at our best. In romantic settings, stolen happy moments, declarations of passion and praise. What we dont see is that person at their worst- when they are tired, snapping, stressed, lazy. vomiting. arguing, puffy eyed, farting,..... you get the picture.

I agree with TU. This is NOT an exAP bashing site. Maybe we have one thread for a comical look at how we overlooked imperfection to keep the A perfect- but 99% of this site is about US.

Why did we embark in an A, when the best thing is to say 'H/W I dont want to be M anymore, goodbye'

Why did we continue in the A when it was hurting us so much, and hurting our most loved

Why did it hurt so much to walk away, when it was clear that there was never ay option.

Stay on the path that focuses on you B&C. We will help. But there is much work for you to do.....

Iggy xxx

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Men have not cornered the market on needing physical intimacy. Read some of the stories on MAS and on this forum. Many of us are lacking that connection which gave us the fuel to engage in unethical relationships with other people.

Let her go, if you value her as a person at all, leave her alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
ah, maybe Kat!

However, it really is the only thread that I can think of where outright bashing (in humor) is tolerated/encouraged/supported. And even then, I see most of the points as reflective of people's experiences once the affair fog clears, rather than bashing. It is always amazing for me to re-read threads and (re)experience them all over again at different points in the healing process. It is like re-reading a favorite book and finding parts that you never fully appreciated before.

The LoO thread has been a thread where a lot of people have shared their feelings about it ... from discomfort, to absolute joy.

I think there are some great threads that help newer posters put that thread into context. It truly is one of those threads, that if you "get it" - you'll find the humor in it, and see it was a strategy to normalize (and therefore break the romantic BS bubble) the behaviors of ALL affair partners. I think it also allows us to see what we often don't wanna see - the HUMAN-ESS of the xAP, and NOT the Prince(ess) that we constructed them to be. They are indeed, just another human being with flaws, warts & all.

I don't think I ever participated in actually writing in it ... but did it ever help me in those early days of NC to laugh and nod my head with the familiarity of so many of the other posters' experiences/observations.

Much love Kat,

TU.

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