Ending after 4 years seems impossible

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Ending after 4 years seems impossible
13
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 11:14pm

I have been having an affair for 4 years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 7:29am

Mom,


Only have a minute to respond but wanted to welcome you to EAS. Sounds like you have taken the right steps by eliminting FB and MS accounts and blocking him. NC is the overwhelming method of choice in getting past the A and healing from it. Other wise women will be here shortly to comment further. I just wanted to give you a hug and let you know that you have friends here whom you can confide in and trust. You will need that for this journey. ((hug))


~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 8:35am

mws,
welcome to ending. this is not a place any of us sought to be, but we are here just the same. i don't have much time to write, as i am on my way to work, but i wanted to acknowledge you and welcome you here. my advice to you would be to read, read, READ and read here some more. go to the Healing Library section and read.
mws, we ALL thought our affairs were "special". we ALL thought we were "soulmates". we ALL thought that in some way we were all the things the spouse was not. you know what you find out when you come here and read? details aside, ALL affairs are the same. we weren't as special as we thought, we used one another to get our needs met in a way that is soul-crushing and dignity-robbing. in the end, we all got what you are being handed right now: second best and he chooses his wife and family over you.
we all know the devastating pain, withdrawal and isolation of ending. i'm sorry you are hurting so much. there have been many women before you and there are many women to follow who have been through this and have not only survived, but have triumphed. welcome.

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 9:27am

Welcome to endings, MWS. I know you'd rather not have to be on a board that signifies the end of a relationship, but truthfully, it was a secretly hidden one that usually never stands the test of time. Most come to an end, and many are abrupt. At least you had the chance to say goodbye but let's be honest here, you must have known it would end sooner or later. Affairs have an expiration date stamped on them, and yours has turned sour on several occasions

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 10:27am

Hi Mom-


Welcome to EAS. You have come to the right place.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:18pm

I think if you re-phrase your thought processed to say that she fought for her M which was already hers to begin with and you allowed yourself to be a third wheel in their M it will help you to get over the fact that someone won something that was already theirs in the beginning. They made a vow to each other and they are now trying to honor that vow and stay together. You chose to enter this secret relationship and now you are sour because you can't have another woman's H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:29pm

Momwhosings,


First, I just want to reach out and give you a hug. I know this is hard, and I know you are in pain. Please don't let all the tough love you've been given scare you away. Stay here and post- it will be an outlet for you and it will help you gain insight about yourself and your situation that you can't get by yourself.


The ladies here have given you some great advice. Right now I can tell that you are in the A fog, and you are not seeing clearly what you are doing and what your situation is doing to you. You are caught up in an addiction, and that is all you can think of right now.


So he has decided to work on his marriage (again). I say this with love- please please please stay out of his marriage now. He has made his choice, and you OWE it to him and to his wife to stay out of it. Let him figure out what he wants. If he decides he wants to stay in the marriage, you must leave him alone.


This man never made you first in his life, and he won't as long as he stays married. Please know that you are worth so much more than that. You are worth being someone's first priority. I am sending you loads of strength as you go through this.


Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 1:00pm

Momwhosings,


I read your post late last night. I waited to respond to you because I think I can be harsh and ineffective, despite being right on. So I waited. I did not want to scare you off. So I waited.


But the ladies of this amazing board have told you like it is. Paticularly MeandmyBoys, she is right on. Sorry if her words crush you. But you need to hear it and listen, we call that tough love around here.


Iddy, also told you some things I hope you listen to. Your post is all too familiar around here. It's just hard for you to take because you are losing your soulmate. The man you gave EVERYTHING up for, and what did he do for you? He went to her.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 4:33pm

The only way you're going to get past this is to look at it all with open, honest eyes. His wife didn't "win". It wasn't a contest. Well, maybe it was to you in a way, but the odds were stacked against you ever "winning" it. She is his wife and the mother of his children. Therefore, there will always be a relationship there that you do not have with him. You were vying for the attention of someone who is not free to be giving it to you. Sad to say, most affairs end up the way yours is....the man choosing to stay in the marriage and closing the door on you. It's just the way it plays out most of the time. For the better? Only time will tell. Maybe you WERE perfect for each other, who knows. But I will say there's a reason why he married who he did. Maybe that's the type of woman he really wants as a wife, you know? Maybe he would have NEVER married you had he been free to do so. You were exciting and fun as an affair partner, but not as a wife. I don't know. Just guessing here, and believe me, it's not beyond the realm of possibilities. Men can be like that. You know, looking at women as the "marrying kind".

When my affair ended 5 years ago, I couldn't believe he was staying with her, either. I mean, she was/is a horrible wife to him. Cheated on him with multiple people, didn't take care of their home or their children, treated him like dirt beneath her feet much of the time. I was insulted that he chose that over me, to be honest. And that was probably a big part of why I felt so hurt. As time went on and the fog lifted, I was able to see how incredibly unhealthy the whole thing was, and when I look back on it now, wow, I can't believe I EVER was involved in such a relationship. I had known people that had been involved in affairs, and I swore I would NEVER do such a thing. It was so against everything I believed in. I understand completely why it happened. I just can't believe I did it, and for 2 1/2 years!

I still know my ex-AP and his wife and do see them socially on occasion. My situation was a little different than most in that not only did she know about me, but actually encouraged our relationship. She does not have a problem with me, and I don't have one with her either other than the fact that she is just not a good mother. As for their marriage, I really don't care one way or the other. I used to feel sorry for him. I don't anymore in any way. She has been involved with several people since then, and I do not believe this behavior will ever change. He stays. So whereas I used to view him as a victim, now I see him as a volunteer. And I know that I was the real winner here. I learned a valuable lesson through it all. You will too, if you let yourself. Affairs are dead-end streets fraught with pain. Even if it works out and you end up with the person, you still have to live with the knowledge that you started out as an affair.

Today, I am free. Today, I can feel good about myself. Today, I don't have all the stress and uncertainty and everything else that goes with affairs. You will too. If you let yourself. It will get better, one day at a time. Hang in there, stick to the truth and don't let yourself drift into fantasy-land and making the affair out to be more than what it really, truly was. This, too, shall pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 3:46pm

First of all, THANK YOU ladies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 5:38pm

Hi, Mom:


We are in this together because I just ended a 6 yr A a couple of days ago.

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