I can't speak as anything near an authority on this, having no experience in this area, but common sense tells me that just 'starting NC' could be cruel. Depending on the nature of your relationship (frequency and type of contact), you could be moving along with NC while your AP is just freaking out, wondering what the heck is going on. Assuming you care/d about this person, I would think he/she deserves better than that.
The only reason I see for not having a conversation is the fear that you would 'buckle' under the pressure if he/she begs you to change your mind. If that is a real fear, perhaps a letter, or even a voicemail, would be better than simply starting NC. I would think that most people, eventually, would hunt you down to find out what is going on (even just to make sure you are okay).
I would at least want an email. My OM tried the not contacting me thing but after a week i just had to see him. (this happened more than once) even though i knew we would break up i had to go. My OM never buckled under my pressure though. I can't believe i basically begged him. i seriously need some freakin' self-respect. it's pathetic. i don't know why i do that?! i'll have to work on that during this time i have to myself.
Welcome....From my own experiences at ending affairs, I suggest you call him and tell him that your life with him isn't working any longer for you, you wish him well in his future and that you will no longer accept his calls or emails and you won;t be calling or emailing him any more, either. That means No Contact both ways, please respect it, Good-bye and good luck in life.
Thanks for the responses. I have tried to do this several times, but when I write an email, he always wants to talk about it and I always feel I somehow owe it to him and of course he is always so sweet when we talk and then I just return to the same behavior. He is not giving me the things I need to be in this relationship any longer. He hasn't even called me in 3 days and he will call me next week when he wants to see me. Maybe when he calls me, I will just tell him I do not want to see him any longer. Another issue is that I will see him socially sometimes, so I do want to part on good terms. I really have no hard feelings, just do not want to do this any longer.
I may be the only one in this thread that thinks totally NC is the best way to go. If you tell him that you want it to be over thats letting the door open for him to beg you to change your mind which could make you wishy washy on your decision. After a while of nc he might get the hint that you are going in a different direction and if he does contact you then it would be easier for you to cut yourself off.
In my situation, I tried the phone call, and the email. More than once. He always found a way to guilt me into staying friends. I almost felt berated into it sometimes. As soon as I would give in and think, "Ok, maybe we can be friends", I was immediately sorry. So I started NC without a goodbye. In some ways I feel bad about it, because we do/did mean a lot to each other, but I also know, I had told him more than once that this is what I wanted and needed for myself. So I think he can figure it out.
"You really disappoint me. I am finding that I am not getting out of this relationship what I want and need and there is too much to risk. I want to end this and need you not to contact me anymore."
I knew the night his W found out that it was either over with us, or he would end up with me. I thought if we were through that he would at least contact me and tell me so. I was wrong! I waited almost a week before I finally contacted him to find out what happened. I was literally a basket case!! That kind of stress is not good for a person. And I think it's funny how I've read a couple of responses on here that think you shouldn't give him a respectful goodbye, but when I was freaking out about this happening to me, most people on here kind of cut my xMM down saying how he was a jerk and was being disrestpectful. Coming from experience, I think you OWE him closure! Whatever happens after that is his problem. I know I felt that we had been through way too much and loved eachother enough for me to at least deserve that. (We are still over, but he did apologize and explain his reasoning behind that.) Anyway, please contact him to let him know!! And after that I agree with NO CONTACT!!!! (even though I haven't sworn by it yet!!)
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Hi,
I can't speak as anything near an authority on this, having no experience in this area, but common sense tells me that just 'starting NC' could be cruel. Depending on the nature of your relationship (frequency and type of contact), you could be moving along with NC while your AP is just freaking out, wondering what the heck is going on. Assuming you care/d about this person, I would think he/she deserves better than that.
The only reason I see for not having a conversation is the fear that you would 'buckle' under the pressure if he/she begs you to change your mind. If that is a real fear, perhaps a letter, or even a voicemail, would be better than simply starting NC. I would think that most people, eventually, would hunt you down to find out what is going on (even just to make sure you are okay).
JMHO,
Good luck.
Lurking
Welcome....From my own experiences at ending affairs, I suggest you call him and tell him that your life with him isn't working any longer for you, you wish him well in his future and that you will no longer accept his calls or emails and you won;t be calling or emailing him any more, either. That means No Contact both ways, please respect it, Good-bye and good luck in life.
I may be the only one in this thread that thinks totally NC is the best way to go.
If you tell him that you want it to be over thats letting the door open for him to beg you to change your mind which could make you wishy washy on your decision. After a while of nc he might get the hint that you are going in a different direction and if he does contact you then it would be easier for you to cut yourself off.
Good luck otgc
One e-mail that is BRIEF and to the point with NO WIGGLE ROOM, make it clear that no future contact is welcome or required.
There after TOTAL NO CONTACT ENFORCED BY YOU.
Free
So I started NC without a goodbye. In some ways I feel bad about it, because we do/did mean a lot to each other, but I also know, I had told him more than once that this is what I wanted and needed for myself. So I think he can figure it out.
How does this sound?
"You really disappoint me. I am finding that I am not getting out of this relationship what I want and need and there is too much to risk. I want to end this and need you not to contact me anymore."
Is it to the point? any suggestions?
Well here's my situation.
I knew the night his W found out that it was either over with us, or he would end up with me. I thought if we were through that he would at least contact me and tell me so. I was wrong! I waited almost a week before I finally contacted him to find out what happened. I was literally a basket case!! That kind of stress is not good for a person. And I think it's funny how I've read a couple of responses on here that think you shouldn't give him a respectful goodbye, but when I was freaking out about this happening to me, most people on here kind of cut my xMM down saying how he was a jerk and was being disrestpectful. Coming from experience, I think you OWE him closure! Whatever happens after that is his problem. I know I felt that we had been through way too much and loved eachother enough for me to at least deserve that. (We are still over, but he did apologize and explain his reasoning behind that.) Anyway, please contact him to let him know!! And after that I agree with NO CONTACT!!!! (even though I haven't sworn by it yet!!)
Pal
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