Ending it after 9 months
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| Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:49am |
The hardest thing I am grappling with is my sudden feelings of guilt for being the one to make the decision to end it, especially now as he's got all these life changes going on (and he had to give away his dog b/c the new baby is coming in a month). I am still in love with him and he's in love w/ me but we decided it was getting too emotional and out of control and I wanted more (obviously), and even though I was satisfied w/ being platonic friends, he made it hard for me (lingering feelings & sexual tension).
So I am feeling guilty b/c I sincerely love and care about him (he's the breadwinner and Mr. Mom - she doesn't do the laundry or grocery shopping) and his health adn happiness. But on the other hand I feel stupid for feeling guilty.
Am I the only one who thinks just b/c MM is dishonest and deceiving to his W, that he is honest and sincere w/ me? I believe what he tells me, b/c he always tells me that he can trust me b/c I'm not judgmental, and I've become his confidante and he loves me, etc. But he "knows he needs to rebuild his M for the sake his kids." I get so fed up w/ that statement, I've heard it a thousand times and it's such a generic/overused statement.... I mean, I think I'm too caught up in my feelings for him to see clearly? He just seems so sincerely unhappy and tells me that it's good for everyone, especially me. He even gave me $1000 cash to go to Vegas, as a "gift, not a pay-off." He told me I need to go out and enjoy being a 23 year old b/c he is too far along in life...
I think he honestly loves me and cares about me, and I miss him terribly and want the friendship thing to work out. I want him as my friend, I will eventually get over him, right? I want to try to talk him into trying the friendship thing again....

I do genuinely believe that he was a different person with me than he was with STBXW. I know I was a different person with him than I've ever been with anyone else. JMHO. Love, Maureen
Sometimes I feel like I would wait forever for him, but thats a pipedream and an idiotic unhealthy thought. I do have low self esteem. I am a very decent looking girl, I am bright and funny (if I must say so myself ;-) but low self confidence is still there.
Aside from the being in love with MM and feeling for his situation and that I am at fault for causing even more unhappiness for him, I still want to be his friend. We were trying, but we just ended the A on Feb 7, and then the friendship on Tuesday. I just can't imagine my life without him, even though its only been 9 months. I am ready to let him go from the A and I am ready to find someone to fulfill MY needs, but he is truly a significant friend. I don't know how to do this.
Sweetheart, you are 23. I am 40 - so, I'm going to give you some 'old lady' advice. Take your $1000 and run. You are too young to do this to yourself. Actually, I am to old to do this to myself :) None of us should put ourselves through this kind of nightmare. I was in an affair for almost 5 years. I have heard every stupid excuse possible...I have heard how much he loved me. Do I believe any of it? Yes and no. I do believe these MM love us - but, in a very twisted and unhealthy way. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much I love my MM, he isn't really the type of man that I would want to have a long term relationship with. They are too weak.
As for feeling sorry for him, it will do no good. You can't change his 'horrible' situation. He's the one that's stuck - not you. And, if they are really stuck in a bad marriage, they will get out on their own. It is possible to get out, no matter how stuck a person is. I know because I was in a bad marriage and ended it. It was a ten year marriage with a kid and a bunch of guilt-ridden circumstances. Bottom line... I was strong enough to end it. My MM was not. Your's probably isn't either.
Are there exceptions to the rule? Sure there are. But, chances are, you aren't going to be one of them. You are too young to blow your life on some guy like this. And, it's only been 9 months - don't let it be 5 years.
Are they lying to us? They seem soooooo truthful. I think they are truthful to a point. Think about it; everyone lies at some point in time to save their butt and get what they want. Some just do it better than others. The point isn't whether they are truthful or not. Even if they are being truthful, they are screwing around with other people's lives for their personal gain. They are avoiding painful situations and making someone else pay the very high price. Think about it that way, it doesn't even matter anymore what their intentions were. You are in a no win situation. We all were. It just took me forever to see it.
I'm not even telling you this because I'm just a bitter old woman. I'm telling you this because I have lived and learned. An affair is a constant Pandora's box - you never know what's going to come out - but, you can bet it's going to be unexpected and really ugly.
I also don't think your MM is the type of guy you would be ultimately happy with. There's being stuck in a bad marriage and not knowing how to handle it. And then, there's going and getting your wife pregnant while you are having an affair and saying how miserable you are. In my book, no excuse in the world can smooth that one over... he's either naive, stupid, lying, manipulative or really screwed up and lost. You are in love with this guy now. But, if a friend of yours told you she had this friend she wanted you to meet and then described him to you like that (just how you described him) - would you think he was that great of a catch? I know, we all make mistakes. It's just that some are a little more unforgiveable than others. He is telling you one thing and living his life another way. At best, this is a very confused individual.
I know this whole thing is so painful for you. There have been times when I just wanted to die inside. But, I'm still living and so are you. We have choices in our lives. We have no say in how MM handle their lives. I do have a right and choice to not let someone else's crappy behavior ruin my life. I have learned over the last five very hard years that love has absolutely nothing to do with it. Sanity has everything to do with it. You will not stay sane as long as you are with someone that is doing insane things. I wish you the best in life - I wish you sanity. We cannot enjoy the love if we are not at peace too. Love is to be enjoyed. It isn't supposed to hurt so bad *all or most of* the time. The amount of your torment isn't an indicator of the amount of love you guys feel for each other. It's not about love. If you think that way, you will end up stuck and tortured for years. I love my MM - but, I love myself more. And, I love the feeling of sanity and peace. It is where I want to live. Wanting to live a sane life has nothing to do with how much you love someone and whether or not they love you. If another person cannot get their life together, your's will never be together either if you continue to be influenced by their behavior.
My advice is to just detach yourself from the situation. You can love someone and still be detached. Detachment for me was long and painful. For some, NC is the way to go. I just outgrew my MM and grew to love myself and my peace and quiet more. My MM no longer fazes me anymore. Whatever way you find works for you (and it may be painful trial and error), the bottom line is to just detach yourself from the emotional turmoil of the situation. At least, entertain the idea - even if you can't keep it up for a prolonged period of time right now. You will find your sanity and peace start to come back little by little. Once it does, you will want that more and more. You will also realize that you aren't going to die without this man.
I hope I have not been too forward, and in turn, offended you. I absolutely do know how painful an affair is. I know the whole ugly range of emotions, excuses, and what-if's. I'm throwing you big hugs and hope that you find your way back to sanity very quickly.
Bird