Ending it graciously

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2009
Ending it graciously
8
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 2:59pm

Hi all

I hope this doesn't sound stupid. I need to end my EA (long distance) and I need help doing it nicely! Now I know how silly that will sound, maybe?

I always thought it would be him who ended it, and I lived in constant daily fear of receiving "THE" email. But over the last couple of months, something in me has shifted. I'm not sure entirely what it is and I'll inspect that (if I need to) later.

But here's the thing...I don't want to suddenly out of the blue say to him, "Oh,by the way - it's over. Have a nice day." Nor do I want to wax on about how he's meant so much to me blah blah. I just want a gracious exit from a friendship that's been pretty much one way - me to him - and take my life back.

So, after 2 and a half years and thousands of emails and phone calls (even though I have met him only twice), how am I going to word this?

Part of me thinks I could take the coward's way out and just not contact him and he'd eventually "get the message". But he has done some wonderful things for me, believe it or not - his motivation and belief in me has given me the push I needed to make some big changes in my life. It's like he was the trainer wheels, but now I can ride the two-wheeler by myself, thanks very much.

Sorry for waffling on. I feel strangely at peace with my decision even though I'm sure there'll be hard times to follow. But it is important for me to write a kind letter, just as I would do to any friend. But without giving either of us a way to go back to what, in essence, was just smoke and mirrors anyway.

Thanks for letting me rant on. xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2009
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 3:15pm

Actually, have just read a few more posts below mine..."How to exit" and the best advice I have heard is to just end it and walk away without any explanation whatsoever.

Okay, so I can do that. I know it will hurt him terribly, but then he's hurt me terribly too...many times, over the last couple of years. I'm just thinking out loud here :-)

I should have run like Forrest Gump when he told me about 2 months into the relationship that he "couldn't" leave his wife and we'd only ever be friends. Yawn. Whatever. By then I was hooked with his prior promises or intimations of a life together. And so I kept on thinking if I was just Miss Nice then he'd eventually realise how fabulous I was and we'd run off into the sunset together.

Anyway, that's all by the by. I don't want to end it feeling bitter, because right now I feel strangely dispassionate and I am loving that! Far better than the ups and downs. My wisdom is telling me it's time to go. Just not entirely sure how.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 3:24pm
Ya know unichick, there are no rules in affairs.
Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2009
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 3:30pm

Ha! You got that right! No, there are no rules, apart from those that he imposed - no emails at home, only contact during the week, no texting etc...

Funny, isn't it, I remember lurking on these boards a couple of years ago and thinking "But my relationship is different. We're soulmates!" (That's what he said - I actually secretly thought that was a bit fanciful, but it gave some validation to deceiving my H).

So, stop all contact right now, you reckon? Consider it done! And any time I feel like breaking my own contract, I'll post on here instead. I can't block him from my email address although I guess I could change my whole address and just delete my existing account? But I can block him from my work address.

Thank you...it means a lot that complete strangers would take the time to care :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 4:16pm

Hi, unichick! Welcome to EAS. I agree with energy - there are no rules in affairs, and no special etiquette for ending. If your relationship was something that you considered one-way from you to him, the easiest way to do it is to just stop communicating. You seem in a good place now, hang in there. Some days will be tougher as you move through NC and that's what we're here for - to support you :) big hugs and best wishes

xoxo

trixie



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 9:10pm
You sound good and strong with your choice Uni......well done.
Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 2:44pm

you are ready to end. you see the smoke and mirrors for what it is.


and, so, my advice is to leave it at that.

CL-Lovely Starr

"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 8:01pm

Good for you.

 

              &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2008
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 8:23pm
I also just wanted to chime in that NC is not just about not contacting that person but not waiting for