ending it, need advice urgently!!!
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| Mon, 10-04-2004 - 1:47pm |
I've been having an A for four months now and have been posting on the Affair support board. I've been thinking alot about my situation over the past week and have decided I'm going to end it...tomorrow!
Which brings me here to you guys.
To cut a very long story short, I'm married and my OM is single. We have been friends for 6 years. He's my best friends ex-boyfriend and is also on good terms with my H.
I've had a great time while this has lasted. I've used this A like a security blanket, something to comfort me when things aint so great at home. The problem is things are now getting better at home and the guilt is setting in thick and fast.
My husband and I have been talking about our relationship for the first time in months and he has told me that he really wants to make this work. Deep down I know I do too.
His actions have shown me that he really is trying and it makes me want to try too. I know that we will not be able to work things out until I end it with the OM. (H does not know about A and I have no plans to tell him).
my conclusion is that I'm ready to stop. I just dont know how.
OM called today and we've arranged to meet tomorrow. I have no idea what I'm going to say to him. I'm really fond of him and would hate to see him get hurt.
Most of all I want to remain friends if it is at all possible.
What do I do?
What do I say?
I'm really nervous about this and could do with some advice and support. Please help!!
I just want to do the right thing.
thanks
m x
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Congratulations on your decision...I know it's hard to end something so comforting and exciting. But you are doing the right thing!!! It's great that you and your husband are really trying to work things out. Deciding is the first step, but it is going to be a lot of work ending your affair and refocusing your energy into your marriage. We usually get into these things when there is something missing inside us and we use the affair to fill that void. It is definately an addiction, too! Do you know yet what you were missing? What was going on in your marriage that led you to make the choices you made? For me, it was attention and excitement. I love H very much- always have. But it was a rough time for me personally and for our marriage, and xOM made me feel sexy, desired, and ALIVE! He was a great distraction, but the complications and pain were not worth it. You need to address what you saw in OM that you were missing. Then you need to work on FILLING THAT VOID YOURSELF! You also need to see this as an addiction and realize that you will have withdrawal for a while, and not to give up. Read the board A LOT! That has saved my sanity a million times. You'll realize that you aren't alone and that we are all going through the same emotions, even though the situations vary.
The staying friends part is tough. I don't want to be a hypocrite here...I work with xOM and have to be cordial and professional. Our last big talk he promised me that we were friends first, the benefits were just extra and we'd be friends no matter what. Well, I am not holding my breath. If he was really my friend he probably wouldn't have pursued me to begin with since I am married. I've made my decision to end things and I will stick to that. I'm through having long talks with him about it. There really isn't anything else to say. But I will be friendly when I see him. THAT SAID, the consensus here is that being just friends doesn't work. I say if you don't have to see him professionally, you really should have no contact. You're marriage needs all of that energy, and it isn't fair for you to have a friend your husband can't know about. Your husband is much more important. If I didn't have to see xOM again, I wouldn't.
Hang in there! We're here for you! Keep us posted!
Lily
The best thing to do is just be honest tell him how u feel. I will tell u if u r determined to end this A there is no such thing as friendship afterwards. I have been there done that with OM and it has never worked. You have to stick to NO CONTACT. Keeping him in your life is just a disaster waiting to happen all over again.
Good Luck......
Lady Bug
Good luck!
silly
your situation IS hard, because the OM belongs to your family's circle of friends... my affair was different, so I fear I can't help you much on this aspect. Just wanted to say that (in agreement with the other writers here) I don't believe friendship is possible with an OM.
There might be a slim chance for a kind friendship though, if there is mutual and absolutely honest agreement for the ending of the affair, if the physical component has for both stopped to be attractive (or has sizzled out) and if there is still enough kindness in both of you towards the other.
Even given all the above, I imagine one very difficult part would be not to let anything slip unconciously while in the whole circle of friends. Relaxed atmosphere, your guard down (because it's all over) etc., and then you suddenly say to your former OM: "Remember that nice afternoon when we..." Traps and bombshells enough around to get caught/explode... You'd both always have to be on your guard all the time.
And, if you marriage maybe develops some more problems, you might be very tempted to re-kindle the affair, because it "helped" (it didn't really, did it?) you once and you are still friends...
You're still fond of him, don't want to hurt him, and we all know how these affairs with friends can come about... but consider for a second: You were looking for help, because you had trouble in your marriage, he was/is single: Even if you think it was mutual attraction - HE was the one who butted in, and if he had been a real and true friend, he should have helped you with your problems, not added one more. You drew comfort, but what was his reason? He has other friends in your circle and he should also have been aware of the difficulties that lay in store when the whole thing ended.
I think you should put some time and some distance between you and the OM, just tell him the truth that you love your husband, want to keep him and have enough on your mind/agenda trying to make your marriage work. Try to stay strong and give over clear messges. At last now you'll find out if he might become a true friend of yours from his reaction.
Wishing you all the best for your decision and your marriage,
M.
getting rid of this burden!
Lilyann77- you asked what was missing in my M that caused this A. Well, my husband has recently become my employer aswell as my partner in life.
We love the fact that we get to spend more time together and we work well as part of a team. It's just that seeing him around other people (colleagues and customers) gave me a bit of a shock.
I know that part of his job is to be friendly to the customers (he owns a restaurant)and maybe even flirt a little but it does make me a little insecure. Also the fact that most of his staff are young blondes that adore him doesn't help!
So I guess whats missing is the security I felt a couple of years ago, in knowing that he would never leave me for anyone else.
Most people on this board seem to agree that the best way to end a EMA is NC.
I can understand the logic behind this and I do agree it would be easier and so I think that it would be best in my situation.
Yes we are part of the same circle of friends so we are inevitably going to be in the same place at some point. I think I can handle that. I know that I will not meet up just him and me anymore and I think that will help alot.
I know alot of you here think it's impossible to remain friends. This make me sad as we were really good friends before the EMA. Only time will tell I guess!
womaninthewoods- you've made me think of things That I had't even considered. Maybe he did have another agenda (other than friendship) all along. If he was truly a friend he wouldn't have wanted to add to my problems. I guess I've been romanticising it a little!
For a time I was thinking that maybe I did fall for the wrong person all those years ago and that OM was really the one for me!
I hope that he continued with this A Because he genuinley did care, and that it was not just to take advantage of me in my time of need.
Thanks for everything, you really have helped. I'll let you know what happens when I get home tonight.
Wish me luck!
m x
Good luck with your decision, know that you are making the right choices for you and your H. My H found out about my A but decided to stay and we are starting to work on our M and rebuild what we once had. As hard as it is NC is the only way because you don't have that opportunity to turn to OM if you are feeling down and needy, part of the original reasons you turned to OM in the first place, right. The remaining friends part I haven't figured out yet but OM and I were friends for almost 20 years and now after the A I don't think I could be near him and not feel anything so I don't think it will work. This A almost cost me my H and M (which can hopefully be rebuilt) but it also cost me a longtime friend.
Come here often for support and keep us posted.
DAF