Ever angry with yourself?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Ever angry with yourself?
5
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 1:09pm


I am new to the board; however, I have been following it to gain suuport, words of wisdoms, etc..

I got involved with a married man (I am married as well) back around August 2003; the seven months we have known each other, we have gotten physical twice. In all, we were more emotionally attached. Into the five months of our EMA, I felt as though the other man was playing mind games with me, not being straightforward with me when I consistently advocated for it.

Long story short: when we first met, the man continuously pursued me via phone calls,

e-mails, was always available at the drop of the hat. Literally, I could call his cell phone and he would always pick up (98% of the time). Impressive, huh? Though I was skeptical, I began to trust him within the two months of our "friendship." Then he began the lines of "I am his soul mate" "he has never met anyone like me" "I am perfect" - he clobbered me with these lines and like a colossal fool, I ate/loved 'em all. At the time, my husband and I were having problems (have no children), discussed separation/divorce, sleeping in separate rooms. Clearly, the OM came at the right time/moment, needed to hear the BS to uplift my fledging spirit and mitigate the loneliness I felt (living in a new city, family/friends left behind, in a demanding graduate program). The OM was my new best friend, always available to me. I grew to depend on it.

Reality is we were/are both married; the friendship was "hidden." I was feeling funny about the whole situation (for obvious reasons); even though my marriage was a WARZONE, I was feeling guilty all the time, could not handle showing disrespect toward my husband and the OM's wife. I consistently relayed this to the OM to only have him poo poo it, almost making it easier for me to justify the relationship (perfectly convenient, huh?). I attempted to break it off several times (after we got physical once), guilt was killing me but torn because I knew I was falling for the OM. I was "glue-trapped," wondering how the heck I got there in the first place. Once I was on the phone with him...he hung up on me because his wife walked in. Like a MORON, I took it because I loved him (at least I thought). The beginning of poor treatment, lowered my standards.

Flashforward: into the fifth month of our relationship, he was growing increasingly less available. Excuses: got caught up at work, sister needs help with the move, clients on top of him, grandparents needed to be driven to airport, yada, yada. Cell phone calls (100%) were sliding into his voice mail whereas previously, he was picking up his calls majority of the time. Sporadic e-mails (excuses: did not get "that" one, did not have access to e-mail, server's down, etc..) whereas during the wooing stage, EVERY e-mails were responded to. The massive personality shift occurred after I attempted to break up with him several times, refused to meet with him (explaining why we got physical twice)...

I confronted him to only have him convince me that everything's the same as always, that he loved me, respected our friendship, more BS lines designed to "keep me around." I requested the truth, would have had absolutely no problem letting him go, etc.. In all, MIXED MESSAGES (still received the "loving" e-mails and daily phone calls during the time he knew I had my courses) were making it much harder for me to break up entirely (and sticking with it)...could NEVER break up cleanly, always loose ends hanging, more question marks...then I would run back, thinking I was "wrong" for breaking up, after all, he could be the one and only love of my life...?? Always making excuses for him, myself.

Finally, one day (into the seventh month) he pushed me too far (his lies were becoming more SEE-THROUGH). Decided to escort him out of my life PERMANENTLY...I was screwing up everything around me, self-esteem taking a beating. First thing I did was change my cell phone...second, blocked all his e-mails...I ruthlessly "disappeared" on him...Damnit, why didn't I think of that before? Worked BEAUTIFULLY!!

By "buffering" myself, I was able to jump back and see things for what they were; all FAKE, LIES, SELF-ESTEEM KILLER. After couple of months I realize the OM is pure A--HOLE, manipulative, spineless, selfish, "always someone else'e fault" he would remark, his

long-running somber tune ...began to feel for his wife (he was always bad-mouthing her, which raised the red flag in my head...). Four months into the NC I grew to despise him and MYSELF (more so). How could I have been such a dumbass?

One day, four months into the NC, I decided to contact him via e-mail (don't know why... nostalgia? to get answers?)...should have seen how fast he responded. I phoned his cellular (same day)...he instaneously picked up (he recognized my home number reserved as fax...yes, when he tried reaching me, he got that fax tone). We had our brief conversation (1 hour- considered short by our standards)...he was going on about how hard he tried to find me, missed me, etc..again all BS. By that time, I was immune to his sweet-talks, was immensely cold. He kept asking if I would call him the next day, had so much MORE to tell me; I said maybe (he no longer had my number, etc..); I blew him off. Treated him the same way how he treated me into the fifth month of our relationship: shabbily.

During the four months of NC, I learned (via phone conversation) while he was in the process of obtaining a divorce, his wife was diagnosed with cancer (going through aggressive chemo-she is in her early 30's), best friend/working colleague transferred to a new city...clearly he was in need of my friendship, could hear it in his voice. I could/would have granted it to him if he treated me with more respect months ago. I was too cold to even feel for him, let him ROT ALONE, find another dumbass, whatever...But I did feel for the wife, god...how could I have been so stupid?

When I think about him...I find myself growing pissed, so fooled. Why did I get involved with him in the first place? Just imagine...if I had not enforced NC (in a cruel way) probably would have still been under his influence, giving/feeling no regards for his sick wife (due to selfishness)- how low could I have sunk? Presently, I think of that OM as toxic germ spit, want absolutely nothing to do with him whether he is available or not.

Just wondering...does the anger subside? Is it part of the mourning process? Am I closer to that feeling of "he no longer exists" mentality, permanently blotted from my radar screen? Just perplexed. Has anyone ever felt this way...to fully realize that perhaps, you are closer to that end of tunnel, can see the light? Can finally shout that "wahoo!!"?

In all, thank you for allowing me to vent...kept my feelings repressed for so long, felt so ashamed, embarassed, STUPID...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:58pm
I know exactly how you feel. Your relationship sounded like mine but you wised up when you felt he was not as persistent and chasing you as before. At least you can walk away with that and I think it is okay to feel angry bc I think that can make you get over him faster. I hope one day soon I can get to the anger stage. I still feel rejected by him bc he didn't want to talk to me last time I called him after we broke up. I am mad at myself for letting the A go on as long as it did when he was clearly not as into it as before I tried to break it off with him. I know if I called my XMM he would be a jerk again so I will not contact him ever. I think its fine to feel that way and use that anger to move forward and look back on it as a huge mistake and something from the past. I would rather feel angry anyday than to feel like a fool when you tried to call them and they don't want to talk to you and just three days before they were telling you they were thinking about you. That feels like rejection- not good. Everyone handles things in different ways. Hang it there - you seem to be on the road to recovery
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 3:21pm
Been there in some sense. I just ended it by stopped calling, dropped out of site, blocked my instant messenger, I didn't change my cell phone, but she never called me on it to begin with so I wasn't worried that she would start. She did manage to get through the NC last month with a "question" but I kept it professional and wished her well. I didn't drop any clues that I wanted to resume our tryst.

I'm angry at myself for letting myself get sucked into this A. There are momentarly times I want to get that booty call, but I find myself here before I make that call. In a way, I get support and I am reminded that the OW is human and even though she knowenly went in with the knowledge I had no intention of leaving my W or putting our A first, that I used her as much as she used me.

I don't like the way I left, but the alternative would be to try to talk myself out of the A and I knew I would lose, so call me chickens**T but it was the right decision in my heart.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 6:06pm


Merehud:

I can assure you I felt like a fool countless times...enough to force myself to

BOOT!@!!#@! him out of my life. There was that time I sent him (3) e-mails detailing my frustration- what did he do? Nothing, made me feel like a wad of chewed gum on sidewalk. He controlled me through the silent treatment- as long as I did not "rock" the applecart, the communication would have continued, peachy keen. I ended up apologizing to him few times to re-establish contact when I knew he was in the wrong. Finally (so you are aware...a cumulative events were adding up that led me to get "rid" of the toxic) after not responding to my e-mails (just a week before, he was professing love to me) I called him a few times...he did not pick up and I practically begged him (on voice-mail) to call me. He called me back within few hours...we spoke, left it on a good note...according to him, he thought all was good. That episode itself- I "reduced" myself to begging THAT man to call me...something within my head "clicked." Immediately changed the cell number, blocked e-mails...

I turned the tables on him, though not intentionally. Finally when we did communicate four months later, even though I was cordial and cold, I believe if you shed me to my naked core, still have feelings for him. I spoke to him combine total once, e-mailed three times back and forth (after 4 months of NC)...in all, I was cruel to him- I simply did not have a choice. He made me promise to call him if not the next day, definitely within next several days (his birthday was coming up). I did SQUAT- blew off his birthday, did not bother asking how he was coping with personal problems (wife's illness). No way am I going to be suctioned back into a relationship with him...goddamnit, I made a complete fool of myself by "begging" him to call me back. Worked too hard to toss him out of the "exit" door. Yes, I care for him but dislike, distrust, lack of respect for him are the overwhelming feelings...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:25pm
Hi Beenthere,

I am there at that point myself, feeling very angry and disgusted with XMM and with myself just as much. Ended my A Aug. 3rd of this year after lasting for three years.

I feel very sad as well because XMM and I have known one another for over 15 years and experienced lots of life's problems and good times together. He was very manipulating and controling with our friendship and our A. and I finally had enough of it and got my priorities in order and I feel great about that part.

I have tried to analysis the anger and disgust with myself. I know many very justifiable reasons I am angry with XMM, but it's myself I have to forgive and the way I look at it is that I made a huge mistake falling for XMM's BS for so long, but I have learned from that mistake. I can look back and see warning signs that I was not wise enough to pay attention to when it all first began. I thought we were just close friends and I shared my marital problems and discontent with him and he used that to encourage the A. I take responsibility for my actions, but I swear that I will never let that happen again. It was a miserable three years of guilt and lies and the few good times we had we not worth it.

Anyway, to address your question, yes, I think the anger is part of the healing process in getting over an A. but we have to just learn from the mistake and know that we will handle our lives better in the future. Don't beat ourselves up too badly. Remember, we did finally have the strenth to stop it and that is something to be very proud of.

Good luck to you.

IP
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:05am
Beenthere,

Boy, oh boy can I relate to your post. You're telling my story as well. Not exactly the same, but darn near. Yes, I do feel angry at myself much of the time. And, yes, I feel angry with him much of the time. Although my MM was not quite as manipulative, whatever, he was still treating me much the same. When I started to really have some personal problems, and my M started falling apart, he started becoming less and less available to me. And when we did talk or see one another, he started bringing up sex more and more. Like that's all he wanted, whereas before, we talked about everything under the sun. It was a much more substantial relationship. I started to feel very cheap and horrible about him and myself. His life hadn't changed at all, but now he was always "busy".

I haven't talked to him in over a month, nor do I plan to. Though I never actually told him this, for me, it's over. Completely. He's called my cell once during this time, but I neither answered nor called him back. I used to care for him a great deal, and now I completely could care less. He made it obvious to me that, in the end, he has absolutely no concern for me. He knows that my life is in a complete shambles, and he's made no serious attempt to see how I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, I really DON'T want to talk to him. But, still, it would have been somewhat comforting to know that he at least cared how I was.

I'm angry with myself that I ever allowed this sort of immoral, irresponsible, self-destructive, selfish behavior to go on in my life. I love my H very dearly, and we were having tremendous problems. I was vulnerable and got sucked into this thing, all choices I made, albeit bad ones. Now my H and I are separated. We're talking about working things out, but who knows if we will be able to. Because on top of all the other problems, now we have a tremendous betrayal on my part (although he, too, has cheated in our relationship) to contend with. And for what? An ego boost? Some titillating sexual activity? Yes, my life is in shambles, and my MM? Nothing's changed. He's still going about his life as if nothing happened. He hasn't suffered any consequences. I protected him from my H, and he hasn't bothered to even see how I am doing, considering all that has happened in the last two months. Yes...I'm angry. But the good thing is that I can hold my head high and know that I am no longer a part of such behavior. I can know that I will NEVER do something like this again, because it sure as hell ain't worth it.

For everyone on this board that still wonders if they should continue with Mr. Wonderful....know this....I don't care who it is, who he is, what your relationship is, whatever. NO affair is good. NO relationship between two people who are lying and cheating and deceiving others is good. NONE. You may think it is now. You may think you've found your "soulmate", but I assure, it is nothing more than an illusion. And it will come crashing down around your head eventually. Hell, maybe he'll even leave the W for you, but even if he does, I guarantee that it still won't work out between the two of you. How can you ever truly trust someone who you know will cheat and lie, as he did with you or you with him? If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you, and that goes both ways. The best thing all of us can do is live our lives with honesty and integrity. In the end, that's really all that counts.

Silly