Ever feel glad to feel guilty ?
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Ever feel glad to feel guilty ?
| Sat, 01-22-2005 - 11:02pm |
It's been about a month now since the woman I became involved with at work and I have cooled it physically. It was her idea and I guess I had no choice but to go along with her. My wife has been off anti-depressants since July when she learned she was pregnant.In sickness and in health has gone out the window I guess. She has been irritable, short tempered, overtired and generally as miserable as anyone I have ever known. It made the affair so easy and such a great bit of fun and excitement in a life that had become a drudgery of trying to run the house, get the kids off to school,hide the bills we couldn't pay to keep her from flippping out, walking in at 5:30 one week 3 days in a row to find her in tears on the couch in pajamas. I felt like I deserved this affair and she should be glad I was even still here with her. This afternoon I stumbled on a little boot one from a pair she bought our youngest son who's 4 when they went out shopping friday to try and cheer up a little. The boot had a sappy little frog on the side of it but it struck me that it was kind of silly and innocent and I remembered how happy he'd been when I came home that day to show off his boots and how happy she'd been that it made him happy. Since September I've been chasing this woman and I havn't felt the tiniest scrap of guilt. Today I caught it in the face, my sad pregnant wife and my poor little guy who spends the day with her and whom she counts on to keep her going and halfway sane. It is clear to me I have a lot to do to try to help him and our other kids and help her too no matter how miserable and unhappy she is. She became vulnerable and loveable again in the simple act of my tripping over a boot she bought. I had to go into the bathroom and cry for what seemed like an hour. It feels good to care again and to understand that I'm staying, that I'm going to be here and I better get my head cleared out fast. I love her and I am grateful she didn't discover this affair. I'm not sure of much except that this is where I belong and I'm very lucky in many different ways. Has guilt ever felt so good ?

Hiya Gnatty,
When the fog lifts like that, it's almost indescribable though you've done a beautiful job of it.
When you are able to begin looking at where and whom you've been rather than looking at something (anything) except directly the less than flattering reflection in the mirror, it's a moment of real growth. And it's not for nothing people talk about such things as "growing pains."
Much more will slowly become apparent to you. Nothing quite as dramatic as the one big moment when that last layer of the bubble sloughs away, but there is clarity & self-awareness there if you can find the courage to look for it. The search itself brings strength & peace, Gnatty.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Gnatty-
I think we all feel guilty during the A. I did...and didn't know it. Now that I am reflecting, I always drank before or during the times I was with him except the lunch hour meetings. That was my way of clouding my judgement and rationalizing why it was OK for me to sleep with another woman's husband.
I'm glad you had that moment. I wish I would have had it during the A, and I could have ended it earlier. I wish you all the best. I have fought depression all my life and know personally how miserable I felt and could make others who love me feel as well.
Just some info for you-
There are anti-depressants your wife can take during pregnancy that are safe. I was on Zoloft (if I remember correctly) when pregnant with DD. Maybe that is an option for her.
SS