Ever felt need to tell XAP's spouse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2009
Ever felt need to tell XAP's spouse?
11
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 10:35am

My A was with a man who said he was divorced, what he didn't tell me was it wasn't final.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 10:58am

Tough love alert -

In no way should you enter her life and tell her. If xAP did not tell her, it's not your job to tell her. You need to let them work out their marital issues together and not meddle. The same goes for your H, he has NO business with these people.

Telling the betrayed spouse is very dangerous, it WILL backfire on you and can quickly spiral completely out of control. Ask the ones around here who have had to call the cops, and who still have to deal with it months after the fact.

Don't do it. You're spending too much energy focusing on them when you should be focusing on you and rebuilding your marriage. Same goes for your husband.

hugs,

trixie xo



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2008
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 3:13pm


I never have felt the need to tell my xAP's spouse. My reasoning is it's not going to change what happened no matter what.

Another thing is, most affairs come out at some point, some sooner than later. She'll find out in due time.

~iwannabgood

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2009
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 4:55am
All your xAP's going to do is throw you under the bus. Make you look like you're crazy or a stalker. Make you look like the bad guy who is just tryin to cause problems. It won't resolve anything or make you feel better. Your xAP will find a way to make his SO believe what he says and they will... because that's what they WANT to believe. So don't do it. You have someone to focus on and that's you and your marriage. Be glad you have that.
“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 8:55am
Doubt,
When I got caught, my H wanted to call his W and I told him why hurt another person? It would only hurt his wife and children and he agreed although he wanted to kill him. He cheated again and got caught. Do not bother. Nothing good could come from this. It is true, it always comes out. Move on and take care of yourself. This will only continue contact and who knows what he will say to her ab out you. Leave it be. They always dig their own hole on their own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2009
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 4:21pm

Thank you for your responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Mon, 09-28-2009 - 6:07pm
You cannot worry about what your H will do about x-ap. You have enough to deal with. They pretty much want revenge and want to act on it.
Take care and I hope things work out for you. it is a terrible road to have to go down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 09-29-2009 - 1:37pm

Hi doubting,


Sorry it took me a while to respond to your post. I've had some busy days and haven't been on as much but I read your post last week and it was on my mind this morning.


How are you doing this week?


I agree that you cannot control what your husband does but I'd like to give you some food for thought.


When you talk to your H, you might mention that you are concerned that your xAP knows where you live because he was your delivery person. You never know how someone is going to react to you meddling in their relationship. If xAP is very, very upset...he could retaliate.


Here is what I told my H when he found out about my affair. I hope sharing this with you will give you some perspective.


My H wanted to call my xAP and confront him over the phone man to man. I told my H he had to do what he felt was necessary to heal but I believed enough pain had been caused at that point. I knew that my H's feelings were raw and although he is very level headed and not a violent person, I still understood that things could easily spin out of control.


I also reminded him that if he was doing it to hurt someone because he had been hurt then he was only trying to cause pain and pain just begets pain. In the end, nothing good comes from such motivations.


Even though you are

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2009
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 11:06pm

Thanks Empowerment for your concern and kind words.


My xAP is actually my Schwan's guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 4:42pm

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through such terrible times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 7:53pm

DM,


The advice you've gotten here is solid.

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